MARY 
GOES  FIRST 

Henry  Arthur  Jones 

L_ - — 


UNIVERSITY  OF  CALIFORNIA 
AT   LOS  ANGELES 


MARY  GOES  FIRST 


VOLUME  V 

The  Drama  League  Series  of  Plays 


MARY  GOES  FIRST 

A  Comedy  in  Three  Acts  and 
an  Epilogue 

BY 

HENRY  ARTHUR  JONES 


Thus  it  appears  that  the  Honours  and  Dignities 
adjudged  by  the  State,  serve  often  but  to  varnish  the 
Stratagems  and  Pretences  whereby  they  have  been 
obtained;  and  the  Claim  to  Precedency  is  shewn 
to  be  the  Claim  of  those  who  have  no  other  Claim 
to  our  Admiration  and  Esteem. — Fettleworth's 
Credentials  of  Merit  (1764),  Chapter  on  Titles. 


WITH  AN  INTRODUCTION  BY 

CLAYTON  HAMILTON 


GARDEN  CITY  NEW  YORK 

DOUBLEDAY,  PAGE  &  COMPANY 
1914 


■ 


■ 


Copyright,  1913,  by 
Henry   A.   Jones 

Copyright,  19U,  by 

DOUBLEDAY    PAGE  &  COMPANY 


In  its  present  form  this  play  is  dedicated  to  the  reading 
public  only,  and  no  performances  of  it  may  be  given. 
Any  piracy  or  infringement  will  be  prosecuted  in  accord- 
ance  with  the  penalties  provided  by  the  United  States 
Statutes: — 

Sec.  1966. —  Any  person  publicly  performing  or  representing 
any  dramatic  or  musical  composition,  for  which  copyright  has 
been  obtained,  without  the  consent  of  the  proprietor  of  the  said 
dramatic  or  musical  composition,  or  his  heirs  <>r  assigns,  shall 
bo  liable  for  damages  therefor,  such  damages  in  all  cases  to  he 
assessed  at  such  sum.  not  less  than  one  hundred  dollars  for  the 
first  and  fifty  dollars  for  every  subsequent  performance,  as  to 
the  Court  shall  appear  to  be  just.  If  the  unlawful  performance 
and  representation  be  wilful  and  for  profit,  such  person  or  per- 
sons shall  be  guilty  of  a  misdemeanor,  and  upon  conviction  be 
imprisoned  for  a  period  not  exceeding  one  year.  —  U.  S.  Revised 
Statutes,  Title  60,  Chap.  i. 


1    * 


DEDICATION 
TO   MISS  MARIE  TEMPEST 


* 


..      Dear  Marie  Tempest: 

An  author  who  has  spent  many  months  in  the 
perplexing  business  of  constructing  and  writing  a 
>  play  naturally  grows  tired  of  it  as  soon  as,  or  even 
before,  it  is  produced.  It  is  a  tribute  to  your  delight- 
v  ful  performance  of  Mary  Whichello  that,  though  I 
find  a  decreasing  interest  in  watching  the  play,  I 
find  an  increasing  pleasure  in  watching  your  per- 
formance. 

In  every  play  it  matters  little  what  the  author 

has  conceived  and  written,  if  it  is  not  vitalized  by 

the  actor.     It  is  only  that  part  of  a  play,  or  that  part 

*     of  a  character,  which  is  thus  vitalized  by  the  acting 

—  it  is  only  this  which  counts  with  an  audience. 

How  wonderfully  you  have  vitalized  every  mo- 
ment of  Mary  Whichello !  How  right  is  every  accent, 
how  clearly  cut  every  gesture,  how  significant  every 
movement,  every  glance,  every  look !     What  a  happy 

[v]  ' 


DEDICATION 


vivacity  of  mischief,  what  a  fascinating,  busy  energy 
there  is  about  it  all,  like  that  of  some  pretty  butter- 
fly suddenly  become  industrious! 

You  seem  to  have  a  perpetual  enjoyment  in  your 
art.  It  isn't  work;  it  is  just  a  pleasurable  activity, 
which  infects  all  who  watch  it.  In  these  days  of 
long  runs,  how  often  does  one  notice  a  decline  of  the 
actor's  interest  in  his  work  after  the  first  few  weeks 
of  a  successful  play.  The  general  performance  is 
apt  to  grow  stale  and  perfunctory.  If  it  is  a  comedy, 
it  is  forced  into  a  noisy  farce;  if  it  is  a  serious  drama, 
it  loses  its  freshness  and  sincerity  of  feeling.  But  an 
impersonation  of  yours  continuously  retains  its  first 
bright,  eager  impulse;  it  remains  spontaneous  to  the 
end,  and  kindles  a  responsive  sympathy  of  laughter 
and  emotion  as  surely  on  the  last  night  as  on  the 

first. 

Gratefully  and  admiringly  yours, 


'WL&f 


[vi] 


INTRODUCTION 

Mary  Goes  First  is  an  example  of  a  type  of  drama 
which  has  not  as  yet,  to  any  great  extent,  been  cul- 
tivated in  America;  for  this  type  —  which  is  com- 
monly called  High  Comedy  —  requires  for  its  inspi- 
ration a  social  tradition  that  has  been  handed  down 
for  centuries.  It  has  frequently  been  said  that  it 
takes  three  generations  to  make  a  gentleman;  but 
it  takes  more  than  three  to  develop  a  Comedy  of 
Manners.  Manners  do  not  become  a  theme  for 
satire  until  they  have  been  crystallized  into  a  code; 
and,  to  laugh  politely,  a  playwright  must  have  an 
aristocracy  to  laugh  at.  The  spirit  of  our  people  is 
inexorably  opposed  to  the  very  idea  of  an  aristocracy 
of  birth:  we  cannot  have  an  aristocracy  of  wealth, 
since  the  phrase  itself  presents  an  irresoluble  con- 
tradiction in  terms;  and  we  have  hardly  yet  had 
time  to  develop  an  aristocracy  of  culture.  To  all 
intents  and  purposes,  the  United  States  is  still  a 
country  without  an  upper  class;  and  the  chaos  of 
our  social  system  precludes  the  possibility  of  social 

[  vii  1 


INTRODUCTION 


satire  in  our  native  drama.  As  Mr.  Walter  Prichard 
Eaton  has  pithily  remarked,  most  of  our  American 
comedies  must  be  classed  as  Comedies  of  Bad  Man- 
ners. We  laugh  uproariously  at  impoliteness  on  our 
stage,  because  we  have  not  yet  learned  to  laugh 
delicately  at  politeness.  We  are  amused  at  the 
eccentricities  of  bad  behavior,  because  we  have  not 
yet  learned  to  be  amused  at  the  eccentricities  of  good 
behavior. 

High  Comedy  is  the  last  of  all  dramatic  types  to 
be  established  in  the  art  of  any  nation;  and  until  we 
have  had  time  to  develop  a  native  Comedy  of  Man- 
ners, we  must  content  ourselves  with  an  appreciation 
of  the  social  satires  of  our  somewhat  elder  cousins 
overseas.  In  this  particular  domain  of  art,  America 
is  still  a  province  of  Great  Britain. 

Among  contemporary  British  dramatists,  no  other 
has  been  so  signally  successful  in  the  handling  of 
High  Comedy  as  Mr.  Henry  Arthur  Jones.  In  a 
notable  series  of  comedies  —  among  which  may  be 
mentioned  The  Liars,  The  Case  of  Rebellious  Susan, 
The  Manoeuvres  of  Jane,  Whitewashing  Julia,  Joseph 
Entangled,  and  Dolly  Reforming  Herself  —  he  has 
satirized  the  foibles  of  the  British  aristocracy.  Most 
of  these  pieces  were  originally  presented  at  the  Cri- 

[  viii  ] 


INTRODUCTION 


terion  Theatre,  in  London,  which  is  perhaps  the  most 
aristocratic  playhouse  in  the  English-speaking  world; 
and  the  author  enjoyed  the  initial  advantage  of  set- 
ting up  a  mirror  before  the  very  people  who  ap- 
plauded his  compositions  from  the  stalls. 

In  selecting  the  characters  for  Mary  Goes  First, 
the  author  has  descended  a  rung  or  two  on  the  ladder 
of  social  precedence.  Instead  of  exhibiting  aristo- 
crats, he  has  chosen  to  present  people  who  are  merely 
ambitious  of  aristocracy;  and  he  makes  fun  of  their 
innate  inability  to  conform  with  the  code  of  conduct 
which  is  an  obligation  of  that  nobility  to  which  they 
ineffectually  aspire.  These  people  —  to  define  them 
with  a  word  that  was  lifted  into  literature  by  the  late 
Clyde  Fitch  —  are  social  "climbers";  and  they  arc 
funny  mainly  because  they  fail  to  understand  the 
principle  that  noblesse  oblige. 

Though  we  have  no  knighthoods  and  no  baronet- 
cies in  America,  and  though  we  seldom  trouble  our 
minds  about  the  order  of  a  procession  to  the  dinner- 
table,  this  struggle  for  social  and  political  precedency 
in  a  small  industrial  city  suggests  many  recognizable 
counterparts  in  our  own  habitual  experience;  and 
Mr.  Jones's  satire  is,  in  this  case,  nearly  as  applicable 
to  life  in  the  United  States  as  it  is  to  life  in  England. 

[ix] 


INTRODUCTION 


From  the  artistic  standpoint,  Mary  Goes  First 
must  be  regarded  as  a  very  notable  achievement. 
In  High  Comedy,  it  is  desirable  that  the  incidents 
should  seem  to  issue  inevitably  from  the  characters; 
and  this  piece  is  almost  utterly  a  comedy  of  character 
rather  than  a  comedy  of  incident.  All  who  are  famil- 
iar with  the  serious  dramas  of  Mr.  Jones  must  agree 
that  one  of  his  greatest  gifts  for  the  theatre  is  the 
faculty  for  story-telling;  yet,  in  this  comedy,  he  has 
managed  artfully  to  make  his  effect  with  scarcely  any 
story.  The  piece  narrates  a  single  incident  —  which, 
in  itself,  is  trivial  —  and  exhibits  the  subsequent 
effect  of  this  single  incident  on  the  characters  of  all 
the  people  to  whom  it  seems  momentous.  The  plot 
of  the  play  is  purely  psychological ;  and  the  action  is 
developed  not  so  much  upon  the  stage  as  within  the 
minds  of  the  comically  unimportant  people  who  re- 
gard their  destinies  as  hanging  upon  minor  matters 
which  the  audience  perceives  to  be  absurd. 

Attention  should  be  directed  to  the  technical 
dexterity  which  is  displayed  in  the  staging  of  this 
comedy.  The  entire  piece  is  set  forth  in  a  single  room 
—  a  room,  moreover,  which  has  only  one  door  that  is 
available  for  entrances  and  exits.  To  be  sure,  an 
adjoining  room  is  partially  displayed  behind  an  open- 

[x] 


INTRODUCTION 


ing  that  is  hung  with  curtains,  and  this  secondary 
room  is  employed  as  a  means  for  the  temporary  with- 
drawal of  certain  characters  from  participation  in  the 
dialogue;  but  there  is  only  one  door  through  which 
the  story  —  so  to  speak  —  is  afforded  communication 
with  the  outside  world.  This  constricted  stage-set 
was,  of  course,  suggested  to  the  author  by  the  exi- 
gencies of  his  final  curtain-fall.  To  accentuate  the 
effect  of  what  may  be  called  —  in  the  slang  of  the 
theatre  —  the  "biggest  laugh"  of  the  comedy,  it 
was  necessary  that  there  should  be  only  one  available 
exit  from  the  scene;  but  so  naturally  has  Mr.  Jones 
arranged  the  entrances  and  exits  of  his  characters 
that  the  hasty  reader  might  not  even  notice  that 
a  scarcely  precedented  technical  difficulty  had,  in 
this  case,  been  accepted  and  surmounted. 

No  less  admirable,  in  illustration  of  sheer  crafts- 
manship, is  what  may  be  called  the  "time-scheme" 
of  this  play.  Consider,  for  example,  the  novel  ad- 
vantage which  the  author  has  derived,  in  the  middle 
of  his  first  act,  from  the  device,  now  generally  ac- 
cepted in  the  theatre,  of  lowering  the  curtain  for  a  few 
seconds  to  indicate  a  lapse  of  time.  By  applying  this 
device  to  indicate  the  passing  of  the  dinner-hour, 
Mr.  Jones  has  managed  deftly  to  separate  his  women 

[xi] 


INTRODUCTION 


from  his  men,  so  that  the  altercation  between  Mary 
and  Lady  Bodsworth  may  take  place  in  a  purely 
feminine  environment,  before  the  men  return  from 
tal>le.  Consider  also  the  cleverness  of  inventing  a 
dressmaking  establishment  to  account  for  the  nec- 
es  ary  minutes  spent  off-stage  by  Mary  in  Act  II, 
and  the  skill  with  which  Mr.  Jones  has  brought  the 
club,  the  railway-station,  and  many  other  off-stage 
localities,  as  clearly  into  the  total  map  of  his  narra- 
tive as  the  single  room  which  we  actually  see. 

Since  this  is  a  comedy  of  character,  and  since 
there  is  very  little  physical  action  to  illustrate  the 
contrasted  personalities,  the  burden  of  the  comedy 
must  be  borne  almost  entirely  by  the  dialogue.  This 
dialogue  is  written  with  a  literary  mastery  that  can 
be  appreciated  only  by  those  who  are  familiar  with 
the  requirements  of  the  stage.  Prof.  Brander 
Matthews  has  distinguished  three  types  of  witticism 
in  the  drama,  —  the  wit  of  words,  the  wit  of  situation, 
and  the  wit  of  character.  Of  these  three  types,  the 
crudest  and  most  easy  is  the  first,  and  the  most  dif- 
ficult and  most  artistic  is  the  last.  A  verbal  witticism 
is  quotable  apart  from  its  context,  and  is  therefore  not 
inherent  in  the  situation  or  the  character;  but  the 
funniest  lines  in  comedy  are  never  quotable,  because 

[  xu  ] 


INTRODUCTION 


their  humor  is  dependent  on  the  fact  that  they  are 
said  in  a  certain  situation  or  by  a  certain  person. 
In  the  entire  dialogue  of  Mary  Goes  First  there  is 
scarcely  a  line  that  could  be  quoted  as  funny  in  itself, 
because  of  its  formula  of  words;  and  yet  the  dialogue 
as  a  whole  is  unfalteringly  funny,  because  of  the 
people  who  speak  the  lines,  and  the  situations  which 
inspire  them.  The  word  "  improper"  is  by  no  means 
funny  in  itself;  and  yet  whenever,  in  the  later  acts  of 
this  comedy,  it  trembles  on  the  lips  of  the  heroine, 
we  laugh  heartily  at  the  reminiscence  of  a  phrase  in 
which  the  word  was  first  singled  out  to  our  attention. 
The  final  touch  of  art  that  must  be  noted  in  this 
comedy  is  its  apparent  simplicity  and  naturalness. 
As  Mr.  Max  Beerbohm  has  remarked,  in  apprecia- 
tion of  the  craftsmanship  of  Mr.  Henry  Arthur  Jones, 
"We  are  not  made  conscious  of  it  while  the  play  is 
in  progress.  From  the  very  outset  we  are  aware 
merely  of  certain  ladies  and  gentlemen  behaving 
with  apparent  freedom  and  naturalness.  It  is  only 
when  the  play  is  over  that  we  notice  the  art  of  it." 

Clayton  Hamilton. 


[  xiii  ] 


The  following  is  the  east  of  the  comedy  as  it  ivas  first  per- 
formed at  the  Playhouse,  London,  under  the  management 
of  Miss  Marie  Tempest. 

Tonight,  Thursday,  September  18th,  1913,  at  7.30,  and 
every  following  Evening  at  8.30 

Miss  MARIE  TEMPEST  will  present,  for  the  First  Tim.-,  a 
.WW  and  Original  Comedy,  called 

MARY  GOES  FIRST 

By  HENRY  ARTHUR  JONES 

Thus  it  appears  that    the  Honours  and  Dignities  ad- 
judged   by    the   Stale   serve    often    but   to    vanish    the 

Stratagems  and  Pretences  whereby  they  have  been 
obtained;  and  the  claim  to  Precedency  is  shewn  to  be 

the  claim  of  those  who  have  no  other  claim  to  our 
Admiration  and  Esteem. —  I'Y.tti.i: worth's  Credentials 
of  Merit  (17G4),  Chapter  on  Titles. 

Sir  Thomas  Bodsworth   .  Mb.  Kenyon  Musgrave 

Richard  Whichello   .      .  Mr.  Charles  V.  France 

Felix  Galimn  .     .  Mr.  W.  Graham  Browne 

Mr.  Tadman     ....  Mr.  George  Shelton 

Dr.  Chesher    ....  Mr.  Herbert  Ross 
Harvey  Betts  (one  of  the 

Junior  Liberal  Whips)  Mr.  Richard  Lluellyn 


Pollard 
Darin 

Lady  Bodsworth 
Ella  Southwood 
Mrs.  Tadman    . 


.     Mr.  John  Alexander 
.     Mr.  Horton  Cooper 
.     Miss  Hamley  Clifford 

Miss  Margaret  Bruhling 
.     Miss  Claire  Pau.vcefort 
and 
Mary  (Mrs.)  Whichello      Miss  Marie  Tempest 


The  Play  produced  by  Mr.  W.  Graham  Browne 

[xiv] 


MARY  GOES  FIRST 

an  i 


PERSONS  REPRESENTED 

Sir  Thomas  Bodsworth,  knight.    » 

Richard  Whichello. 

Felix  Galpin. 

Mr.  Tadmax, 

Dr.  Chesher. 

Harvey  Betts,  one  of  the  Junior  Liberal  Whips. 

Pollard. 

Dakin. 

Lady  Bodsworth. 
Mary  Whichello. 
Ella  Southwood. 
Mrs.  Tadman. 

The  scene  is  laid  throughout  in  Felix  Galpin's  house,  at  Saint 
John's  Hill,  the  "residential"  suburb  of  the  manufacturing  town 
of  Warkinstall. 


ACT   I 

Scene:  Drawing-room  at  Felix  Galpin's,  on  an 
evening  in  early  January.  At  the  back,  left,  is  a 
uncle  opening,  hung  with  curtains,  which  are  open 
and  give  a  view  of  a  further  room.  In  the  right 
corner  at  hack  is  a  door.  On  the  right  side  in  the 
centre  is  a  large  fireplace.  On  the  left  side  down  stage 
is  a  bow  window.  The  rooms  are  brightly  and  com- 
fortably  furnished  in  a  modern  style.  There  is  an 
absence  of  fern  inine  kn  ick-kn  acks.  Noth  ing  indicates 
very  good  or  very  bad  taste  in  the  occupier.  Every- 
thing is  ordinary  and  unobtrusive;  the  furniture 
is  such  as  would  be  carelessly  chosen  by  a  young 
professional  man  from  the  best  shop  in  a  large 
provincial  town.  A  card-table  open,  with  packs 
of  cards  and  bridge  markers,  is  at  the  back.  A 
bright  fire  is  burning  and  the  room  is  well 
lighted  and  looks  cheerful.  A  few  flowers  on 
the  shelf,  and  a  large,  handsome  bouquet  on  a  table, 
left. 

33] 


MARY  GOES  FIRST 


Discover:  Dakin  the  butler.  Enter  Dr.  Chesher,  a 
Harley  Street  physician,  about  sixty,  in  evening 
dress. 

Chesher.  Mr.  Galpin  back  from  the  office 
yet? 

Dakin.  Yes,  sir.  He  arrived  just  after  you  had 
gone  up  to  dress.     Here  he  is,  sir.         , 

Enter  Felix  Galpin,  a  good-looking  young  lawyer, 
rather  over  thirty;  smart,  amiable,  good-tempered;  a 
very  engaging  personality.  He  is  in  evening  dress, 
with  a  very  rare  orchid  in  his  buttonhole. 

Felix  [Advancing  cordially  to  Chesher,  shaking 
hands].     Ah,  my  dear  Uncle!     How  are  you? 

Chesher.     Excellent! 

Felix  [To  Dakin].  Dakin,  get  on  to  the  cham- 
pagne with  the  fish.     Keep  the  glasses  filled. 

Dakin.     Yes,  sir.  [Going. 

Felix.  And  Dakin,  when  you  announce  Sir 
Thomas  and  Lady  Bodsworth,  throw  it  up  a  bit  — 
[illustrating]  —  "Sir  Thomas  and  Lady  Bodsworth." 
Like  that! 

Dakin.     Yes,  sir.  [Exit. 

Felix.  He  only  got  his  knighthood  last  week, 
and  she  was   a  grocer's  daughter;  so   they'll    like 

[4] 


MARY  GOES  FIRST 


to  hear  their  title  rolled  out.  Well,  my  dear 
Uncle,  it's  awfully  good  of  you  to  run  down  to  this 
hole 

Chesher.     How  are  things  looking? 

Felix.  Thundering  bad.  The  Warkinstall  peo- 
ple are  too  busy  to  go  to  law.  They  spend  all  their 
time  making  portmanteaus  and  harness  instead  of 
going  to  law  and  doing  me  a  good  turn.  I've  only 
had  one  job  for  a  fortnight. 

Chesher.  But  the  practice  was  a  good  one  when 
you  bought  it. 

Felix.  It  had  gone  down.  And  when  my  pred- 
ecessor died,  old  Tadman  nipped  in  and  collared 
the  best  part  of  it. 

Chesher  [Looking  round].  But  you've  taken  this 
big  house  in  the  best  suburb  —  and  you're  giving  din- 
ner parties 

Felix.  All  the  best  people,  such  as  they  are,  live 
in  St.  John's  Hill.  So  I  took  this  house,  dine  them, 
go  to  church  regularly,  fuss  up  all  the  old  dowagers, 
play  cricket  and  lawn  tennis  with  the  young  people, 
subscribe  to  all  their  confounded  charities,  just  to 
get  in  with  them  all. 

Chesher.  In  order  to  arrive,  you  show  every- 
body that  you  have  arrived. 

[5] 


MARY  GOES  FIRST 


Felix.  That's  it.  But  if  I  don't  arrive  very  soon 
I  shall  have  to  change  my  point  of  view,  chuck  the 
Tories  and  Church  people,  and  go  in  a  mucker  for 
dissent  and  radicalism. 

Chesher.     Will  that  be  necessary? 

Felix.  It's  absolutely  necessary  that  I  shouldn't 
starve.  My  income  last  year  was  eighty-six  pounds. 
I've  got  seven  pounds  in  the  bank,  and  I  haven't 
paid  for  to-night's  dinner  party.  Isn't  it  about  time 
I  changed  my  political  principles? 

Chesher.  It  is  better  to  change  one's  political 
principles  than  to  starve. 

Felix.  Oh,  if  it  conies  to  principles,  my  princi- 
ples are  thoroughly  Tory  —  so  far  as  they  go.  Es- 
pecially as  in  Warkinstall  all  the  nicest  people  are 
Tories. 

Chesher.  The  present  member  is  a  Tory,  isn't 
he? 

Felix.  Elkington?  Yes,  Elkington  is  a  strong 
Tory. 

Chesher.  The  object  of  going  into  politics  being 
to  get  something  out  of  it,  the  question  for  a  sensible 
man  is  which  party  he  can  get  most  out  of. 

Felix.     Just  so.     And  I  should  have  turned  over 

to  the  Radicals  before  this  only 

[6] 


MARY  GOES  FIRST 


Chesher.     Only? 

Felix.  I've  lately  got  very  friendly  with  the 
Whichellos. 

Chesher.     The  Whichellos? 

Felix.  They're  quite  the  best  people  in  Warkin- 
stall,  rather  a  different  cut  from  the  rest.  He's  a 
big  manufacturer  here,  and  a  very  decent  fellow. 
Mrs.  Whichello  is  the  leader  of  Warkinstall  society 
—  if  you  can  call  it  Society.  She  bosses  everything 
in  Warkinstall  —  or  she  has  bossed  everything  up  to 
now.  But  now  old  Bodsworth  has  got  this  title  — 
he's  another  big  manufacturer  and  the  Mayor  of 
Warkinstall  -  -  he  has  just  built  a  barn  of  a  sana- 
torium, and  got  this  knighthood  for  it 

Chesher.  Oh,  yes.  I  saw  his  name  in  the  New 
Year's  honors  last  week  —  very  low  down. 

Felix.  Well,  low  down  or  not,  he  has  got  his 
knighthood.  And  jolly  hard  he  and  Lady  Bods- 
worth have  worked  to  get  it  —  out  of  a  Liberal  Gov- 
ernment. I  don't  think  the  Whichellos  will  quite 
like  it,  Mrs.  Whichello  especially.  She's  a  delightful 
little  woman,  but  she  does  like  to  play  first  fiddle. 
Oh,  doesn't  she?  And  now  I  expect  Lady  Bodsworth 
will  want  to  have  a  look-in. 

Chesher.     They're  coming  to-night? 

[7] 


MARY  GOES  FIRST 


Felix.  Yes,  the  Whiehellos,  the  Bodsworths,  the 
Tadmans,  and  —  Miss  Southwood. 

Chesher.     Miss  Southwood? 

Felix.  Mrs.  Whichello's  sister  —  such  a  charm- 
ing girl  —  in  fact,  well  —  I'm  engaged  to  her. 

Chesher.     On  eighty-six  pounds  a  year? 

Felix.  Ella  has  a  little  money  of  her  own.  We 
aren't  formally  engaged,  except  between  our  two 
selves.  But  Mrs.  Whichello  is  on  our  side,  and  I 
don't  think  Whichello  will  stand  out.  Ella  is  only 
nineteen,  and  Whichello  is  her  guardian.  That's 
the  reason  I  haven't  gone  over  to  the  Radicals. 

Chesher.     Why? 

Felix.  Whichello  is  a  Tory,  and  very  strong  on 
Tariff  Reform,  so  I've  got  to  keep  in  with  him.  And 
I  thought  if  only  I  can  manage  to  hang  on  for  a  year 
or  two  with  the  Tories  and  Church  people  —  Tad- 
man's  getting  old  and  groggy  —  he  may  pop  off 
some  day 

Chesher.  What  is  the  amount  of  Miss  South- 
wrood's  fortune? 

Felix.  Five  or  six  hundred  a  year.  But  I  don't 
want  to  sponge  on  her.  And  if  you'd  stand  by  me 
for  a  bit  —  you've  been  such  a  good  friend  —  I  don't 

like  to  ask  you,  but 

[8] 


MARY  GOES  FIRST 


Chesher.  All  right,  my  dear  boy,  I'll  see  what  I 
can  do. 

Felix.  Thanks.  It's  awfully  good  of  you.  And 
now  you're  down  here,  you  might  give  me  a  lift  with 
the  Bodsworths. 

Chesher.     How? 

Felix.  Bodsworth's  sanatorium  is  going  to  pot. 
They've  killed  a  patient  with  radium.  He  was  a 
favorite  curate 

Chesher.  Seems  a  drastic  measure  to  take  — 
even  with  a  curate. 

Felix.  Then  Bodsworth  is  very  keen  on  hot 
water.  And  he's  having  ructions  with  the  doctors 
about  the  treatment.  Then  just  as  he  gets  his 
knighthood,  there's  a  blazing  scandal  about  a  young 
house  surgeon  and  one  of  the  nurses  —  I've  asked 
him  to  show  you  over  the  sanatorium  to-morrow 
morning. 

Chesher.     Thank  you.     What  for? 

Felix.  Well,  as  you're  a  leading  London  physi- 
cian, he'll  be  flattered.  You  might  buck  him  up 
about  his  hot- water  treatment  —  he  may  be  having 
a  lawsuit  with  the  doctors 

Chesher.  In  that  case,  I  should  probably  be  on 
the  side  of  the  doctors. 

[9] 


MARY  GOES  FIRST 


Felix.  But  hot  water  must  be  a  cure  for  some 
diseases.     Isn't  it? 

Chesiier.  As  a  panacea  it's  about  equal  to  most 
other  cures. 

Felix.  Well,  there  you  are.  And  you  can  praise 
the  situation  —  the  salubrious  air  and  the  magnifi- 
cent view  -  -  miles  and  miles  of  heather  —  and  1  say, 
I've  put  you  next  to  Lady  Bodsworth^at  dinner  to- 
night --of  course  I  take  her  in    -  you  sit  next 

Chesher.  What  subject  of  conversation  would 
be  congenial  to  her? 

Felix.  Oh,  the  knighthood.  You  needn't  talk 
about  anything  else.  She  has  only  been  "my  lady" 
a  week.  I'm  giving  this  little  dinner  in  honor  of  the 
event.  I  got  that  bouquet  down  from  Covent  Gar- 
den to  present  to  her. 

Chesher  [Smelling].     Gorgeous! 

Felix.     Isn't  it? 

Chesher.     Looks  almost  equal  to  a  baronetcy. 

Felix  [Listening,  talcing  out  watch].  There's  a 
motor  just  driven  up.  You  haven't  congratulated 
me  about  Ella. 

Chesher.     I  do,  most  heartily. 

Fellx.  Wait  till  you  see  her.  I  wish  for  her  sake 
I'd  gone  in  for  politics  instead  of  the  law,  especially 

[10] 


MARY  GOES  FIRST 


now  there's  four  hundred  a  year  to  start  with.  My 
old  Charterhouse  chum,  Harvey  Betts,  has  just  been 
made  Junior  Whip  to  the  Liberal  Party. 

Chesher.     So  I  see  in  the  papers  this  morning. 

Felix.  When  Harvey  was  at  Oxford  he  was  the 
fiercest  young  Tory.  Russian  despotism  was  too 
mild  for  him. 

Chesher.  When  a  man  talks  that  kind  of  non- 
sense at  twenty,  you  know  he'll  talk  the  other  kind 
of  nonsense  before  he's  forty. 

Enter  Dakin. 

Dakin  [Announces].     Miss  Southwood. 

Ella  enters  in  evening  dress,  an  attractive  modern 
girl  of  nineteen.     Exit  Dakin. 

Felix.     How  d'ye  do?     [Shaking  hands.] 

Ella.     Oh,  Mr.  Galpin,  Mary  has  sent  me  on  to 

say  that  she  and  Dick  may  be  a  few  minutes  late. 

Will  you  excuse  them? 

Felix.     Certainly.    [Introducing.]    My  uncle,  Dr. 

Chesher,  Miss  Southwood. 

Chesher.     How  d'ye  do?     [Shaking  hands.] 
Ella.     How  d'ye  do?     Is  this  your  first  visit  to 

Warkinstall? 

[Hi 


MARY  GOES  FIRST 


Ciiesher.  Yes.  I've  not  been  able  to  get  away 
since  my  nephew  has  settled  here. 

Ella.     I   hope  you'll  come  again.     [To  Felix.] 

Mary  lias  given  me  a  message  for  you [Slightly 

glancing  <//  (  Ihesher.] 

Chesheb  I  Taking  the  hint].  Felix,  I've  got  a  tele- 
gram to  send.     Will  you  excuse  me? 

[Exit  Chesher.     Felix  watches  him  off,  then 
goes  quickly  to  Ella  and  snatches  a  kiss.] 

Felix  [Very  admiringly].     You  look  charming! 

Mil. a.  Do  I?  I've  been  so  rushed  —  I  had  to 
throw  my  things  on.     Mary's  terribly  upset. 

Felix.     What  about? 

Ella.     Lady  Bodsworth. 

Felix.     What's  the  matter? 

Ella.  The  woman  has  become  quite  insufferable. 
She  does  nothing  but  wallow  in  this  knighthood. 

Felix.  It  is  rather  a  dizzy  honor.  Give  me  an- 
other kiss  — -  [they  kiss]  —  and  tell  me  all  about  Lady 
Bodsworth's  wallowing. 

Ella.  Her  head's  turned.  She  insists  on  patron- 
izing Mary.  Fancy  any  one  patronizing  Mary! 
There  was  quite  a  flare-up  after  the  meeting  this 
afternoon. 

Fellx.     Meeting? 

[12] 


MARY  GOES  FIRST 


Ella.  This  "Working  Girls'  Protection  Society 
that  they  are  getting  up. 

Felix.  Oh,  yes  —  to  look  after  the  behavior  of 
the  factory  girls. 

Ella.  Well,  it  has  been  rather  shocking.  And 
last  month  the  wives  of  the  manufacturers  met,  and 
decided  to  form  a  Girls'  Protection  Society,  and  let 
all  the  factory  girls  know  that  they'd  be  expected  to 
join. 

Felix.  Kind  of  Mutual  Moral  Insurance  Com- 
pany. 

Ella.  Mary  took  a  lot  of  trouble,  and  naturally 
she  expected  to  be  made  president. 

Felix.     And  wasn't  she? 

Ella.  No.  Lady  Bodsworth  has  worked  the 
thing  and  this  afternoon  at  the  meeting  she  was 
elected  president.  And  she  positively  gloated  over 
Mary. 

Felix.  Did  she?  Give  me  another  kiss  — 
[snatching  a  kiss]  —  and  tell  me  what  Mary  did 
when  Bodsworth  gloated. 

Ella.     She  came  home  and  nearly  had  hysterics. 

Felix.  Nearly?  I  wonder  she  didn't  quite. 
However,  I  suppose  we  shall  have  to  let  Lady  Bods- 
worth gloat. 

[13] 


MARY  GOES  FIRST 


Ella.  No.  Mary  sent  me  on  to  say  that  as  the 
knighthood  has  only  been  announced,  and  Mr.  Bods- 
worth  hasn't  yet  got  the  title,  she  supposes  in  strict 
etiquette  you'll  take  her  in  to  dinner  to-night. 

Felix  [Aghast],     Take  her  in  to  dinner ? 

Ella.  Mary  wouldn't  have  raised  the  question 
with  any  one  but  you;  but  as  you  want  to  be  engaged 
to  me,  she  thinks  you  might  oblige  her. 

Felix.     But  how  can  I? 

Ella.  It's  very  hard  on  Mary.  She  has  always 
been  taken  in  first  at  every  dinner  party  in  Warkin- 
stall.  Now  Lady  Bodsworth  will  always  go  first,  so 
this  will  be  the  last  time  for  poor  Mary. 

Felix.     Is  she  very  keen  on  it? 

Ella.  Well,  she  says  she  doesn't  mind.  But  be- 
tween ourselves  she  is  simply  furious  at  Lady  Bods- 
worth's  rudeness  to  her  this  afternoon. 

Felix.     What  on  earth  am  I  to  do? 

Ella.  He  isn't  actually  knighted.  It  would  be 
strict  etiquette,  wouldn't  it? 

Felix.  I  don't  know  the  strict  etiquette  of  the 
thing,  but  I'm  giving  this  dinner  in  honor  of  the 
knighthood.  I've  told  Bodsworth  so.  And  I've  got 
that  bouquet  for  Lady  Bodswrorth. 

Ella.     Can't  you  explain  to  the  Bodsworths? 

[14] 


MARY  GOES  FIRST 


Felix.  Good  heavens,  no!  I  should  make  them 
enemies  for  life.  No,  I  must  take  in  the  old  Bods- 
worth  woman  now ! 

Enter  Dakin,  announcing  rather  loudly,  a  little  over- 
doing it. 

Dakin.     Sir  Thomas  and  Lady  Bodsworth. 

Enter  Sir  Thomas  and  Lady  Bodsworth.  Exit 
Dakin.  Lady  Bodsworth  is  about  forty-five. 
She  is  rather  stout  and  made  up  to  look  young.  Her 
•hair  is  obtrusively  golden,  very  plentiful,  and  puffed 
out.  Her  complexion  is  artificial,  and  her  cheeks 
bloom  with  a  magenta  tint.  She  is  handsomely  and 
showily  dressed,  with  a  good  deal  of  jewelry.  She  is 
patronizing,  fussy,  self-conscious,  self-satisfied,  and 
beaming  with  amiability.  Bodsworth  is  a  stolid, 
thick-set,  rather  pompous  man  about  fifty,  with  large, 
immobile  features;  thick,  coarse  black  hair  turning 
gray;  he  is  quite  destitute  of  humor.  Felix  ad- 
vances very  cordially  to  Lady  Bodsworth  as  Ella 
shakes  hands  with  Sir  Thomas. 

Felix  [Shaking  hands].  My  dear  Lady  Bods- 
worth, this  is  really  good  of  you. 

Lady  B.     We've  been  quite  overwhelmed  with  in- 

[15] 


MARY  GOES  FIRST 


vitations  since  Sir  Thomas  received  his  honor. 
Everybody  seems  so  pleased  that  we  have  been  rec- 
ognized. We  are  lunching  at  Petbury  Park  on 
Tuesday. 

Felix.     I'm  in  luck. 

Lady  B.  I  really  think  you  are.  We  had  three 
invitations  for  dinner  to-night.  But  as  we  had  ac- 
cepted yours,  we  thought  it  wouldnVbe  honorable 
to  put  you  off. 

Felix.     Noblesse  oblige! 

Lady  B.     Quite  so.     Ah,  Ella,  my  dear! 

[Goes  to  Ella  and  kisses  her  very  affection- 
ately, talks  ivith  her.] 

Felix.     Sir  Thomas,  how  are  you? 

Sir  T.  [Shaking  hands].  Run  off  my  legs.  My 
own  business  —  municipal  business  —  church  busi- 
ness —  political  business  —  and  now  this  honor  — 
really  if  people  knew  what  it  entailed  they  would 
scarcely  envy  me  the  distinction  which  it  has  pleased 
his  Majesty  to  confer  upon  me. 

Chesher  has  reentered. 

Felix  [Calling  off  Lady  Bodsworth].  Lady 
Bodsworth,  let  me  present  my  uncle,  Dr.  Chesher 
of  Ilarley  Street. 

[16] 


MARY  GOES  FIRST 


Lady  B.     I'm  very  pleased  to  meet  you. 

Chesher  [Shaking  hands].     Delighted! 

Lady  B.  Sir  Thomas  has  just  given  a  sanatorium 
to  Warkinstall.  From  first  to  last  it  won't  cost  less 
than 

Sir  T.  Shush,  my  dear.  Whether  it  costs 
thirty  thousand  or  forty  thousand,  what  does  it 
matter? 

Felix.  My  uncle  is  very  much  interested  in  hot 
water  treatment [With  a  little  wink  and  an  im- 
ploring look  at  Chesher.] 

Sir  T.  [Interested].  Indeed!  I'm  sorry  to  say 
my  present  staff  are  very  much  prejudiced  in  favor  of 
their  own  methods. 

Lady  B.  Sir  Thomas  has  derived  so  much  benefit 
himself  from  hot  water  that  he  wishes  all  the  patients 
to  be  given  a  chance. 

Felix  [Looking  anxiously  at  Chesher].  My  uncle 
says  that  in  certain  diseases  hot  water  —  eh,  Uncle? 
In  certain  diseases ? 

Chesher.  It  was  extensively  used  by  Gil  Bias  of 
Santillane  when  he  practised  in  Seville. 

Sir  T.     How  did  it  answer  in  his  case? 

Chesher.  Several  of  his  patients  died.  But  that 
may  have  been  a  natural  predisposition,  such  as  a 

[17] 


MARY  GOES  FIRST 


doctor  often  encounters  in  his  patients.  And  Gil 
Bias  stuck  to  his  treatment. 

Sir  T.     Quite  right.     Is  he  in  practice  now? 

Chesher.  I'm  afraid  not  —  but  his  reputation 
remains. 

Sir  T.  Because  that's  the  kind  of  doctor  I  want 
at  the  head  of  my  sanatorium. 

Enter  Dakin. 

Dakin  [Announcing].     Mr.  and  Mrs.  Tadman. 

Enter  Mr.  and  Mrs.  Tadman.  Exit  Dakin.  Mrs. 
Tadman  is  a  pleasant,  motherly,  middle-class  wo- 
man about  .sixty.  Tadman  is  about  seventy,  with 
straggling  white  hair  and  a  shiny,  rosy  complexion 
—  gouty  —  shaky  —  tremulous. 

Felix  [Shaking  hands].     How  d'ye  do? 

Mrs.  T.     How  d'ye  do? 

Felix.  So  kind  of  you  to  come.  [To  Tadman.] 
How  are  you?     [Shaking  hands.] 

Tadman.  First  rate  —  just  as  good  a  man  as  ever 
I  was. 

Felix.  Then  you'll  be  able  to  do  justice  to  a 
bottle  of  port. 

Tadman  [His  eyes  brighten,  and  he  briskly  rubs  his 

[18] 


MARY  GOES  FIRST 


decayed  hands].  I'll  try!  I'll  try!  There's  only 
one  wine  —  [with  a  little  anticipatory  smack  of  the  lips] 
—  port !  Sir  Thomas,  I  hope  you  won't  change  your 
principles  on  Tariff  Reform. 

Sir  T.     Change  my  principles  on  Tariff  Reform? 

Tadman.  Now  the  Liberal  Government  has  hon- 
ored you. 

Sir  T.  The  Liberal  Government  makes  a  very 
great  mistake  if  it  supposes  that  I  am  to  be  bought 
by  a  knighthood. 

Tadman  [Comes  closer  to  him,  glances  at  Ella,  ivho 
is  talking  to  Mrs.  Tadman].  I  hear  that  Whichello 
is  wobbling  over  the  food  taxes 

Sir  T.  Yes,  and  he's  siding  with  the  Radicals 
against  me  over  the  cemetery  and  the  tramways 
extension. 

Enter  Dakin. 

Dakin  [Announcing].     Mr.  and  Mrs.  Whichello. 

[Exit  Dakin. 

[Mrs.  Whichello  is  a  piquant,  attractive  little 
lady,  rather  under  thirty.  She  has  the  air  of 
one  accustomed  to  be  first  in  her  own  circle. 
She  is  clever  enough  to  get  her  own  way  by  fi- 
nesseand  per suasio?i  when  she cannot  command 
[19] 


MARY  GOES  FIRST 


it  by  authority  —  a  very  determined  little  crea- 
ture. She  is  charmingly  but  very  quietly 
dressed  in  a  well-made  gown.  Her  hair  is 
done  very  plainly  and  neatly.  She  wears 
one  very  handsome  pearl  and  diamond  neck- 
lace, and  no  other  jewelry,  except  a  wedding 
ring.  She  shows  suppressed  excitement  from 
the  afternoon  quarrel  with  Lai>y  Bodswortii. 
She  is  evidently  full  of  mischief,  ripe  for  an 
explosion,  and  is  preserving  her  self-control 
with  difficulty.  Dick  YYiiiciiello  is  a  good 
looking,  very  ordinary  Englishman  of  the 
better  classses;  rather  over  thirty-five,  getting 
stout  and  lazy;  something  of  the  sporting 
type;  very  casual,  amiable,  and  easy  going  as  a 
rule,  but  very  obstinate  and  hot-tempered  when 
he  is  provoked.] 

Felix  [Very  cordially  to  Mary].  Delightful  of 
you  to  spare  me  an  evening.  [Shaking  hands.]  How 
are  you?  No  need  to  ask.  [Turning  to  Dick,  shak- 
ing harids.]     How  are  you? 

Dick.     Splendid. 

Felix  [Introducing].     Dr.  Chesher,  Mrs.  Which- 

ello. 

[20] 


MARY  GOES  FIRST 


Mary  [Shaking  hands  with  Chesher].  How  d'ye 
do? 

Chesher.     Very  pleased  to  meet  you. 

Felix  [Introducing].  Mr.  Whichello — Dr.  Che- 
sher. 

[Dick  and  Chesher  shake  hands  and  talk. 
Mary  nods  and  smiles  to  Mrs.  Tadman, 
who  returns  the  nod  and  smile.] 

Mary  [To  Tadman].  How  d'ye  do?  [Shaking 
hands.] 

Tadman.     Growing  younger  every  day. 

Mary  [Bowing  to  Sir  Thomas].  Sir  Thomas,  I 
have  congratulated  you  on  your  honor,  haven't  I? 

Sir  T.  [Very  stiffly].  Thank  you,  you  have  con- 
gratulated me  three  times  during  the  past  week. 

Mary.  Have  I?  [Very  sweetly.]  Oh,  I  really 
must  give  myself  the  pleasure  of  congratulating  you 
once  more.     May  I? 

Sir  T.  [Shores  resentment].     If  you  wish,  but  — 

really  I 

[Turns  to  Lady  Bodsworth,  ivho  stands  look- 
ing at  Mary,  maliciously  triumphant.  There 
is  an  awkward  pause  as  the  two  women  look 
at  each  other.  Mary  bows  very  distantly  to 
Lady  Bodsworth.  Lady  Bodsworth 
[21] 


MARY  GOES  FIRST 


barely  inclines  her  head.  Felix  watches  ap- 
prehensively and  tries  to  smooth  the  unpleas- 
antness.] 

Felix  [To  Lady  Bodswortii].  Mrs.  Whichello, 
like  all  of  us,  feels  she  cannot  sufficiently  express  her 
congratulations  to  her  old  friends,  eh,  Mrs.  Which- 
ello? 

Mary.     Yes,  that's  it. 

Felix  [To  Mary].  And  I'm  sure  Lady  Bods- 
worth  is  equally  pleased  to  receive  your  congratula- 
tions. 

Lady  B.  Oh,  I've  no  wish  to  be  unfriendly.  I'm 
quite  ready  to  forget  our  little  tiff  this  afternoon  if 
she  is. 

Mary.     Oh,  quite. 

Lady  B.  [Patronizingly].  You  afid  Mr.  Whichello 
must  come  and  lunch  with  us  some  day. 

Mary.     We  shall  feel  honored.     Shan't  we,  Dick? 

Dick.     Yes,  delighted! 

Lady  B.  Shall  we  say  Tuesday?  No,  I  forgot. 
On  Tuesday  Sir  Thomas  and  I  are  lunching  at  Pet- 
bury  Park.  The  Countess  saw  me  yesterday  in  the 
High  Street.  She  stopped  her  motor  instantly,  and 
gave  me  the  most  pressing  invitation. 

Mary.     The  dear  Countess! 

[22] 


MARY  GOES  FIRST 


Lady  B.  She  was  so  hearty  in  her  congratulations. 
She  said,  "Come  on  Tuesday.  Petbury  and  I  shall 
be  quite  alone,  and  we  shall  have  you  all  to  our- 
selves." 

Mary.     How  delightful  for  you!     And  for  them' 

Lady  B.  So  it  can't  be  Tuesday.  Shall  we  say 
Wednesday? 

Mary.  May  I  look  at  my  book  when  I  get 
home? 

Lady  B.  Certainly.  Name  your  own  day,  and 
remember  that  for  the  future  I  shan't  bear  any  ill- 
feeling;  and  I  hope  you  won't. 

Mary.  Ill-feeling!  My  dear  Lady  Bodsworth, 
I'm  only  too  thankful  for  your  sake  that  this  dread- 
ful scandal  at  the  sanatorium  wasn't  made  public 
before  the  New  Year's  honors  were  announced. 

Sir  T.  Why?  What  difference  would  it  have 
made? 

Mary.  Well,  with  such  disgraceful  behavior 
going  on  in  your  beautiful  new  building  before  the 
walls  were  scarcely  dry,  it  would  have  made  it  very 
difficult  for  the  Government  to  reward  you  for  your 
noble  gift  to  the  town. 

Sir  T.  [Very  stiffly].  I  don't  see  that.  We  needn't 
discuss  the  matter. 

[23] 


MARY  GOES  FIRST 


Mary.  No,  no.  Better  keep  it  quiet.  I  hope 
there's  nothing  more  to  come  out 

Sir  T.  We  have  made  a  thorough  inquiry,  and 
the  affair  is  terminated. 

!\  I  art.  I'm  so  glad  you've  managed  to  hush  it  up. 
[To  Lady  Bodsworth.]  What  have  you  done  with 
the  nurse? 

Sir  T.  [Very  stiffly].     We  have  expelled  her. 

Mary.  Quite  right.  Quite  right.  I  hope  you 
made  her  feel  that  her  shocking  conduct  has  shed 
quite  a  blight  over  the  general  rejoicing. 

SirT.     Not  at  all!     Not  at  all! 

Mary.  It  has  shed  a  blight  on  my  rejoic- 
ing. I  can  never  go  by  your  beautiful  sanatorium 
now  without  dreading  that  the  nurses  and  doctors 
are 

Sir  T.  [Interrupting].  We  need  not  pursue  the 
subject. 

Mary.  No,  no.  The  less  said  the  better.  But  I 
always  distrusted  her  yellow  hair.  I've  invariably 
noticed  that  when  a  woman  has  that  peculiar  shade 
of  hair,  and  especially  when  she  dresses  it  in  that 
ridiculous  towzly  fashion [She  sees  the  expres- 
sion on  Sir  Thomas's  face  and  she  makes  a  feigned 
gesture  of  intense  vexation.]       Oh,  what  have  I  said? 

[24] 


MARY  GOES  FIRST 


What   have   I  said?     My  dear   Lady   Bodsworth! 

How  could  I  be  so  thoughtless!     How  could  I ? 

[Making  little  helpless  appealing  gestures  of 
apology  to  Lady  Bodsworth  and  to  all  the 
company.] 

Lady  B.  [Much  offended].  I  hope  you  don't  com- 
pare me  with  a  person  of  that  class 

Mary.  No  !  No !  A  thousand  apologies !  Now, 
do  say  you  forgive  me ! 

Lady  B.  [Curtly].     Oh,  certainly. 

Mary.  Thank  you.  I  can't  tell  you  how  much  I 
admire  your  hair,  no  matter  how  it's  done.  By  and 
by  I  shall  ask  you  to  tell  me  how  you  get  that  effect. 
Now  you  will  tell  me,  won't  you? 

Lady  B.  [Curtly].     Oh,  it's  quite  simple. 

Mary.     Ah,  it  may  be  easy  for  you 

Felix  [Who  has  been  very  anxiously  watching,  in- 
terposes]. You  mustn't  discuss  these  delicate  little 
feminine  secrets  before  us  men.  Mrs.  Whichello, 
you're  passionately  fond  of  flowers  —  what  do  you 
think  of  these  for  early  January?  [Draws  Mary  off 
to  the  bouquet.] 

Mary  [Goes  into  raptures].  Roses  and  carnations ! 
[Takes  up  the  bouquet,  smells  it,  admires  it.]  Aren't 
they  exquisite?     [To  Ella,  who  has  joined  them.] 

[25] 


MARY  GOES  FIRST 


Ella.     Perfectly  lovely! 

Mary  [Putting  down  the  flowers].     Did  you  give 
my  message  to  Mr.  Galpin? 
Ella.     Yes.     [Looking  at  Felix.] 

[They  draw  together  and  are  seen  to  be  talking 
eagerly.     Mary  is  excited,  and  is  urging  her 
point   of   etiquette.     Felix   is   deprecatory, 
apologetic,     explanatory,     ana     persuasive. 
Lady  Bodsworth  is  talking  to  Mrs.  Tad- 
man,  with  angry  glances  at  Mary.     Mrs. 
T adm an    is    trying    to    soothe     her.      Sir 
Thomas,   Tadman,    Chesher,    and   Dick 
are  grouped  together.} 
Dick.     You  must  join  our  golf  club,  Sir  Thomas. 
SirT.    [Shakes  his  head].      Too  busy  —  and  now 
I've  been  recognized  —  it's  a   great    burden  —  no 
time  for  golf. 

Dick.  He  must  make  time,  mustn't  he,  Doc- 
tor? 

Chesher.  As  a  serious  career  golf  is  an  excellent 
substitute  for  politics. 

Dick.  By  Jove,  yes.  [To  Sir  Thomas.]  I  shall 
put  you  up.  We  must  have  you.  The  fact  is  our 
present  course  is  rotten.  We  want  you  to  let  us  have 
that  corner  slope  below  the  sanatorium. 

[26] 


MARY  GOES  FIRST 


[Chesher  joins  Lady  Bodsworth  and  Mrs. 
Tadman.] 

Sir  T.  I  am  about  to  enclose  that  slope  in  the 
.sanatorium  grounds  for  the  benefit  of  my  patients. 

Dick.  Oh,  they  can  stroll  about  it.  We  really 
must  have  that  slope. 

Sir  T.  It's  quite  impossible.  I'm  a  little  sur- 
prised at  your  asking,  after  opposing  me  on  the  Town 
Council  with  regard  to  the  tramways  and  the  ceme- 
tery. 

Dick.  Oh,  we  must  give  the  new  town  a  decent 
cemetery. 

Sir  T.  There  is  plenty  of  room  in  our  venerable 
old  churchyard.  And  I  hope,  when  it  pleases  heaven 
to  call  me  to  itself,  that  what  is  mortal  of  me  will  re- 
pose in  the  shadow  of  our  ancient  parish  church. 

Dick.  You  don't  want  what  is  mortal  of  you  to 
drain  down  into  my  factory,  do  you? 

Sir  T.  [Offended].  I  consider  that  remark  as 
quite  uncalled  for  —  indeed,  profane.  I  intend  to 
oppose  the  cemetery  and  the  tramway  extension. 
Especially  as  both  proposals  emanate  from  the 
Radicals. 

Dick.  What  does  it  matter  where  they  emanate 
from,  if  they're  for  the  good  of  the  town? 

[27] 


MARY  GOES  FIRST 


Sir  T.  We  must  keep  the  control  and  administra- 
tion of  all  these  matters  in  our  own  hands.  And  I 
trust  that  as  Chairman  of  the  Conservative  Party  I 
may  rely  on  your  support. 

[Dick  utters  a  little  discontented  grumble.] 
TADMAN.     There's  another  thing,  Whichcllo.    We 
must   have   a   thorough,   complete,   well-considered 
measure  of  Tariff  Reform. 

Dick.  Oh,  I'm  a  convinced  Tariff  Reformer,  pro- 
viding the  leather  trade  is  considered.  But  I'm 
hanged  if  I  see  how  we're  going  to  carry  the  food 
taxes. 

Tadmax.  It's  absolutely  necessary.  It  all  hangs 
together.  I've  worked  out  a  complete  scheme.  I 
can  show  you  the  figures. 

Sir  T.  I  hope,  Whichcllo,  you  will  reconsider 
your  entire  attitude.  You  are  going  the  right  way 
to  split  up  the  Conservative  Party  in  Warkinstall. 

[Dick  utters  another  discontented  little  growl. 
They  go  on  discussing  the  matter.  Chesher 
has  joined  Lady  Bodsworth  and  Mrs. 
Tadmax.  Felix,  Mary,  and  Ella  have 
been  talking  among  themselves.] 
Mary.  I  merely  raised  it  as  a  point  of  strict 
etiquette. 

[28] 


MARY  GOES  FIRST 


Felix.  I  wish  I  could  —  but [Looks  help- 
lessly at  Ella.] 

Ella.     I  think  you  might  have  obliged  Mary. 

Mary  [Turning  to  the  bouquet].  It  really  doesn't 
matter.     Aren't  these  flowers  perfectly  exquisite? 

Felix.     I'm  glad  you  like  them. 

Mary.  I  dote  on  roses  and  carnations.  Now  I'm 
sure  you  must  have  got  them  especially  to  please  me, 
didn't  you? 

Felix.  Yes,  I  did.  [Glances  at  Lady  Bods- 
worth,  whose  back  is  turned  to  them.] 

Mary  [To  Ella].  Wasn't  it  kind  of  him?  He 
knew  how  fond  I  was  of  roses  and  carnations. 
[Smelling  them.] 

Felix  [Glances  again  at  Lady  Bodsworth's  back 
—  hesitates  —  makes  up  his  mind].  Will  you  accept 
them?  I  sent  up  to  Covent  Garden  especially  to  get 
them  for  you.     [Hands  them  to  her.] 

Mary.  How  good  of  you !  Dick !  Look  at  these 
flowers!  Mr.  Galpin  sent  up  to  Covent  Garden  to 
get  them  especially  for  me. 

[Goes  to  Mrs.  Tadman  and  displays  them  in 
front  of  Lady  Bodsworth,  who  holds  her- 
self enviously  aloof.] 

Tadman  [Who  has  been  arguing  with  Dick].     No! 

[29] 


MARY  GOES  FIRST 


No !  My  scheme  is  elastic.  It  tightens  over  bacon 
in  one  place,  and  relaxes  in  another.  The  same  with 
cheese!  That's  the  beauty  of  it!  It  gives  and 
takes. 

[Felix  has  been  talking  to  Ella,  looking  at 
his  watch,  and  glancing  anxiously  at  the 
door.] 

Felix.  Sir  Thomas,  will  you  take  in  Mrs. 
Whichello  ?  Whichello  —  Mrs.  Tadman.  [  To  Tad- 
man.]  You'll  look  after  Miss  Southwood,  won't 
you?  Uncle,  you'll  have  to  bring  up  the  rear. 
[Joining  Lady  Bodsworth.]  Lady  Bodsworth,  I 
am  to  have  the  privilege. 

[The  couples  sort  themselves  and  talk  apart.] 

Lady  B.  [Enviously].  What  a  lovely  bouquet  you 
presented  to  Mrs.  Whichello. 

Felix.  Urn!  Not  bad.  [Dropping  his  voice  and 
looking  cautiously  round  to  see  that  they  are  not  over- 
heard.]    I  don't  care  much  for  roses  and  carnations. 

Lady  B.     They  are  rather  vulgar. 

Felix.     One  orchid  is  worth  a  ton  of  them.     I 

wonder  if  you'd  do  me  the  honor  to  wear  this 

[Taking  the  orchid  from  his  buttonhole.] 

Lady  B.  I  shall  be  pleased.  ILooking  enviously  at 
Mary's  bouquet.] 

[30] 


MARY  GOES  FIRST 


Felix.     Can  you  fasten  it? 
Lady  B.     Yes,  I  think. 

Felix.     An  orchid  is  the  aristocrat  of  flowers. 
[She  places  it  in  the  neck  of  her  dress,  which 
is  rather  decollete.] 
Felix.     That's  a  very  rare  variety.     [With  a  little 
half-wink  at  Ella,  who  is  watching.]     It's  the  first 
specimen  to  come  to  Warkinstall.      [Admiring   it.] 
Ah,  now  it  shows  to  advantage! 

Enter  Dakin. 

Dakin.     Dinner  is  served,  sir.  [Exit. 

Mary  [Replacing  her  bouquet  in  the  vase].  I'll  put 
them  there  till  I  go  home. 

Lady  B.  [Going  off  arm-in-arm  with  Felix — speak- 
ing loudly  so  that  Mary  can  hear].     Yes,  an  orchid  is 
such  an  aristocratic  flower  —  so  very  aristocratic. 
[Exeunt  Felix  and  Lady  Bodsworth. 

Sir  T.  [Going  off  with  Mary].  And  he  is  also  op- 
posing me  on  the  cemetery  and  the  tramways. 

Mary.  Is  he?  [Turning  to  Dick,  who  is  just  be- 
hind her.]  Dick,  I'm  surprised  at  you  opposing  Sir 
Thomas.  [To  Sir  Thomas.]  I  must  talk  to  him 
very  seriously. 

[Exeunt  Sir  Thomas   and  Mary. 
[31] 


MARY  GOES  FIRST 


Mrs.  T.  [On  Dick's  arm].  I  don't  quite  under- 
stand Tariff  Reform,  but  Mr.  Tadman  has  worked  it 
all  out  most  carefully. 

Dick.     So  have  I,  and  I'm  convinced  that  if  we 

put  on  food  taxes 

[Exit  with  Mrs.  Tadman  on  his  arm. 
Ella  [On  Tadman's  arm,  turns  round  to  Chesiier]. 
I  wish  there  was  another  of  me  to  come  in  with  you, 
Dr.  Chesher.  [Going  off. 

Chesher.  Ah !  You'd  be  much  safer  with  medi- 
cine than  you  are  with  the  law. 

[He  follows  them  off.  The  curtain  falls  for  a 
few  seconds  to  signify  the  passing  of  the 
dinner-time.] 

Scene  II.  The  same,  after  dinner.  The  curtains  be- 
tween the  rooms  have  been  drawn  closely  together. 
Lady  Bodsworth  and  Mrs.  Tadman  are  seated 
near  to  each  other,  and  apart  from  Mary  and  Ella. 
Mary  has  her  bouquet  in  her  hand  and  is  admiring 
it.     Ella  is  turning  over  a  book  of  views. 

LadyB.  [Expansively].  We  don't  take  it  so  much 
as  an  honor  to  ourselves  as  to  the  town. 

Mrs.  T.  [Toadying].     That's  what  Mr.  Tadman 

and  I  feel. 

[32] 


MARY  GOES  FIRST 


Mary  [Solemnly].  That's  what  we  all  feel.  Don't 
we,  Ella? 

Ella.  Oh,  yes.  Couldn't  we  have  some  fire- 
works over  it? 

Mary.  Ella,  please  put  away  that  book,  and 
listen  to  Lady  Bodsworth. 

[Ella  does  so,  and  assumes  an  air  of  great  in- 
terest in  Lady  Bodsworth.] 

Mary.  You  were  saying,  dear  Lady  Bods- 
worth   

Lady  B.  [Ignoring  Mary,  speaks  to  Mrs.  Tad- 
man].  That  is  how  Sir  Thomas  and  I  wish  it  to  be 
regarded  —  as  an  honor  to  everybody  in  Warkin- 
stall. 

Mary.     Will  it  go  round? 

Lady  B.     Go  round? 

Mary.  There  are  forty  thousand  people  in  Wark- 
install.  It's  very  unselfish  of  you,  dear  Lady  Bods- 
worth, to  share  your  honor  amongst  us,  but  —  well, 
there  won't  be  much  for  each  of  us,  will  there? 

Lady  B.  [Getting  angry}.  Of  course  if  you're  an- 
noyed   

Mary.  Annoyed?  My  dear  Lady  Bodsworth! 
My  very  dear  Lady  Bodsworth! 

Lady  B.  [To  Mrs.  Tadman].    As  it  appears  to 

[33] 


MARY  GOES  FIRST 


upset  Mrs.  Whichello,  perhaps  we'd  better  change 
the  subject. 

Mary.  Oh,  I  love  it!  I  could  keep  on  all  the 
evening. 

Lady  B.  [To  Mrs.  Tadman].  We  shall  have  a 
house  in  town  for  the  season.     Of  course  we  shall 

have  to  go  up  when  Sir  Thomas  receives 

[Mary  touches  Ella's  arm  with  a  solemn  look 
of  reproof,  as  if  calling  her  to  pay  reverential 
attention  to  Lady  Bodswortii.  Lady  Bods- 
worth  stops,  upset.] 

Mary  [After  a  pause  of  mock  expectancy].  When 
does  Sir  Thomas  expect  to  be  commanded ? 

Lady  B.  I  should  really  be  obliged  if  you  would 
choose  some  other  topic  of  conversation. 

Mary.  Certainly,  dear  Lady  Bodsworth.  [Very 
sweetly.]  And  what  shall  we  talk  about  now?  Oh, 
yes!     So  you  are  lunching  at  Petbury  Park? 

Lady  B.     We  are  lunching  at  Petbury  Park. 

Mary.     On  Tuesday,  isn't  it? 

Lady  B.  I  believe  I  have  already  mentioned  that 
fact. 

Mary.  Yes,  but  why  not  mention  it  again,  dear 
Lady  Bodsworth? 

Lady  B.     Because  it  might  cause  you  pain. 

[34] 


MARY  GOES  FIRST 


Mary.  Pain?  My  dear  Lady  Bodsworth !  Why 
should  it  cause  me  pain? 

Lady  B.     You're  not  invited,  I  believe? 

Mary.  We  couldn't  expect  it,  as  we  dined  there 
on  Saturday. 

Lady  B.  [Upset].  Dined!  Oh!  [Nonplussed.] 
Indeed! 

Mary  [More  sweetly  than  ever].  And  what  shall 
we  talk  about  now? 

Ella.  I  do  think  somebody  ought  to  organize 
some  fireworks 

Mary  [Reprovingly].  My  dear  Ella,  it  is  not  for 
you  to  choose  a  topic  of  conversation.  We  are  wait- 
ing for  Lady   Bodsworth [Looking   at  Lady 

Bodsworth  with  an  air  of  reverent  expectancy.] 

Lady  B.  [Looks  at  Mary  with  withering  scorn,  then 
magnificently  ignores  her,  and  speaks  to  Mrs.  Tad- 
man].  Of  course  it's  only  natural  that  small  minds 
should  feel  jealous  when  they  see  others  selected  for 
honor,  when  they  themselves  are  left  out  in  the  cold. 
[Just  deigning  to  glance  at  Mary.] 

Mary.  My  dear  Lady  Bodsworth!  My  very 
dear  Lady  Bodsworth ! 

Lady  B.  There's  no  need  to  "Lady  Bodsworth" 
me  quite  so  often. 

[35] 


MARY  GOES  FIRST 


Mary.     No? 

[Lady  Bodsworth  rises,  draws  herself  up,  and 
again  looks  at  Mary  with  withering  scorn.] 

Lady  B.  [To  Mrs.  Tadman].  I  feel,  dear,  that 
you  would  be  more  comfortable  in  the  next  room. 

[Going  toward  curtains. 

Mrs.  T.  [Detaining  her].  Oh,  I  shouldn't  take 
any  notice.  I'm  sure  Mary  wishes  to  remain  friends, 
don't  you,  Mary? 

Mary.  Oh,  certainly.  But  if  Lady  Bodsworth 
doesn't  wish  me  to  call  her  Lady  Bodsworth,  what 
am  I  to  call  her? 

Mrs.  T.  You  used  always  to  call  each  other 
"Fanny"  and  "Mary." 

Lady  B.  It  was  quite  at  her  own  wish  that  I 
called  her  "Mary." 

Mary.  If  I  remember  rightly,  dear  Lady  Bods- 
worth, you  asked  me  to  call  you  "Fanny";  and  said 
might  you  call  me  "Mary."  And  I  replied,  "Oh, 
certainly!"  Everybody  in  Warkinstall  calls  me 
"Mary." 

Mrs.  T.  I  don't  suppose  she'd  mind  if  you  called 
her  "Fanny." 

Mary  [Looking  mischievously  at  Lady  Bods- 
worth].    I  don't  think  I  could  call  her  "Fanny" — 

[36] 


MARY  GOES  FIRST 


now!     Dear  Lady  Bodsworth,  would  you  think  it 
disrespectful  if  I  called  you  "Fanny"? 

Lady  B.  It's  quite  immaterial  to  me  what  you 
call  me.     Please  yourself. 

Mary  [Very  sweetly].  Thank  you  so  much.  [A  little 
pause.]   And  what  shall  we  talk  about  now  —  Fanny? 

Lady  B.  [Enraged,  is  about  to  explode;  controls  her- 
self; tries  to  think  of  something  very  satirical,  fails], 
I  should  much  prefer  that  you  didn't  address  any 
further  remarks  to  me. 

Mary.  Very  well,  Fanny  —  [checks  herself]  — 
Lady  Bodsworth. 

Lady  B.  [Seats  herself  with  dignity  and  turns  to 
Mrs.  Tadman  with  the  greatest  amiability,  speaks  at 
Mary].  How  very  nicely  the  meeting  for  the  Girls' 
Protection  Society  passed  off  this  afternoon ! 

Mrs.  T.     Yes  —  very. 

[Mary  admonishes  Ella  by  a  look  to  pay  rever- 
ential attention  to  Lady  Bodsworth.] 

Lady  B.  I  was  so  glad  that  they  elected  me  as 
president;  because  I  do  feel  that  in  my  new  position 
I  shall  be  able  to  do  so  much  to  keep  the  poor  girls 

out  of  temptation 

[Mary  utters  a  little  gaspy  shriek,  pulls  herself 
up,  and  looks  demurely  in  front  of  her,] 
[37] 


MARY  GOES  FIRST 


Lady  B.     Are  you  unwell,  Mrs.  Whichello? 

Mary.  Very  nearly.  Dear  Lady  Bodsworth, 
would  you  permit  me  to  address  one  single  remark  to 
you? 

Lady  B.  [Suspiciously].     Oh,  certainly. 

Mary  [Very  respectful].  Don't  you  think,  dear 
Lady  Bodsworth,  that  these  poor  factory  girls,  with 
their  love  of  finery,  and  making  the  most  of  them- 
selves —  don't  you  think,  if  they  are  allowed  to  see 
very  much  of  you,  they  may  be  tempted  to  imi- 
tate   

Lady  B.     Imitate  what? 

Mary  [Glancing  at  Lady  Bodsworth's  coiffure]. 
Those  tresses 

Lady  B.  [Gathers  herself  up  for  a  great  burst  of  in- 
dignation]. I  have  never  been  so  insulted  —  I  will 
not  endure  these  insinuations!  [Splutters  like  a 
damp  firework.]  Really  I  —  just  when  everybody  is 
so  pleased  that  we've  been  honored — really  I — [cry- 
ing a  little]  —  I  will  not [recovers  herself] .     But  I 

can  quite  understand  your  feeling  so  spiteful  at  not 
being  elected  president 

Mary.     Spiteful,  dear  Lady  Bodsworth? 

Lady  B.  But  I  wouldn't  show  it.  It's  so  small, 
so  very  small!     I  wouldn't  be  small  if  I  were  you! 

[38] 


MARY  GOES  FIRST 


Mary.  Oh,  if  it  comes  to  our  figures  —  [glancing 
at  her  own  and  Lady  Bodsworth's]  —  I'm  very  well 
satisfied. 

Lady  B.  [Magnificently  indignant}.  I  will  thank 
you  not  to  make  any  further  remarks  to  me  or  about 
me! 

Mary.     Very  well,  dear  Lady  Bodsworth ! 

Lady  B.  [To  Mrs.  Tadman].  I'm  sorry  you 
should  be  exposed  to  all  this  annoyance.  But  we 
needn't  put  up  with  it  any  longer.  [Beckons  to  Mrs. 
Tadman  to  follow  her  off  at  curtains;  then  turns  to 
Mary  very  spitefully.]  But  you  weren't  elected 
president,  were  you? 

[Exit  through  curtains.     Mrs.  Tadman  has 
risen,  a  little  embarrassed.] 

Mrs.  T.  [In  a  low  tone  to  Mary].  We  all  thought 
as  Sir  Thomas  had  just  been  knighted,  it  would  be 
a  pretty  compliment  to  elect  her  as  president.  I 
hope  you  don't  mind 

Mary.  Mind?  My  dear  Mrs.  Tadman!  But 
those  poor  factory  girls !  Keep  them  out  of  tempta- 
tion? Why,  with  her  powdered  cheeks  and  her  yel- 
low hair,  she  looks  like  an  impropriety  herself ! 

Lady  B.  [Comes  through  the  curtains,  overwhelmed]. 
Oh! oh! oh! 

[39] 


MARY  GOES  FIRST 


Sir  Thomas   otters,  followed   at   short   intervals   by 
Chesher,  Dick,  T adman  and  Felix. 


Sir  T.     What's  the  matter? 

Lady  B.     I  have  never  been  so  insulted 

Sir  T.     Insulted? 

Lady  B.     Mrs.  Whichello  called  me 

SikT.     What? 


Lady  B.  [Crying  a  little].  She  said  I  was  —  Mrs. 
Tadman,  you  heard 

Sir  T.     What  did  she  call  you? 

Lady  B.  I  couldn't  repeat  the  word.  We  had 
better  go  home  at  once.  [Going  toward  door. 

Felix  [Stopping  her].     No,  Lady  Bodsworth 

[Tries  to  soothe  her.] 

Dick.     Mary,  what's  this? 

Mary.  Nothing.  I  made  a  remark  to  Mrs. 
Tadman.  Lady  Bodsworth  was  in  the  next  room. 
I  didn't  know  she  was  listening.     I'm  sorry. 

Sir  T.  Sorry?  I  wish  to  know  what  term  you 
have  applied  to  Lady  Bodsworth.     [There  is  a  pause.] 

Felix.  Sir  Thomas,  Mrs.  Whichello  has  said  she 
was  sorry  —  I  trust 

Sir  T.  I  insist  on  knowing  the  exact  term  which 
has  been  applied  to  Lady  Bodsworth.     Fanny ! 

[40] 


MARY  GOES  FIRST 


[Calls  Lady  Bodsworth  aside,  questions  Iter, 
and  is  seen  to  be  shocked,  and  indignant. 
Dick  questions  Mary,  and  is  seen  to  show 
annoyance.     Tadman  questions  Mrs.  Tad- 
man.     Felix  waits    to    question  Tadman; 
when  Tadman  has  received  the  information, 
Felix  calls  him  aside,  and  questions  him. 
Chesher  joins  them.     Ella  slips  quietly 
between  the  curtains  into  the  next  room.] 
Dick    [Having  questioned  Mary,  in  a  tone  of  an- 
noyance].    You  oughtn't  to  have  said  it. 
Mary.     It  slipped  out. 
Dick.     Oh! 

Mary.     I  tell  you  it  slipped  out. 
Dick.     Bodsworth,  as  an  old  friend  I'm  sure  you 

won't  take  any  notice  of  this 

Sir  T.  Not  take  any  notice?  Do  I  understand, 
Whichello,  that  you  approve  of  your  wife  calling 
Lady  Bodsworth  an  impropriety? 

Dick.     Certainly  not,  but 

Sir  T.  Then  perhaps  you  will  ask  her  to  make 
a  full  and  ample  apology.  [Looks  threateningly  at 
Mary.] 

Dick.  [Prompting].     Mary! 

Mary.     I'm  extremely  sorry 

[41] 


MARY  GOES  FIRST 


Sir  T.  Sorry?  My  wife  an  impropriety!  The 
thing's  monstrous! 

Felix.  I'm  sure  Mrs.  Whichello  didn't  use  the 
word  in  any  objectionable  sense.  It  is  a  term  that 
is  often  used  in  playful  badinage  — which  I'm  quite 
sure  is  all  Mrs.  Whichello  intended. 

Sir  T.  I  don't  care  what  Mrs.  Whichello  in- 
tended. I  am  waiting  for  her  to  apologize.  [Looks 
threateningly  at  Mary.     A  longish  pause.] 

Mary  [Very  simply  and  sincerely].  I  am  ex- 
tremely sorry,  Lady  Bodsworth. 

Lady  B.     "Sorry"  isn't  an  apology,  is  it? 

Felix.  Oh,  yes,  it's  quite  equivalent,  especially  as 
Mrs.  Whichello  said  it  —  with  such  genuine  regret. 
Now  that's  passed  over.  Can  we  get  up  a  rubber  at 
bridge?     [Moving  toward  the  card-table.] 

Sir  T.  I  do  not  play  bridge,  and  I  do  not  consider 
that  it  has  passed  over.  [Looking  at  Lady  Bods- 
worth.] 

Lady  B.  It's  such  a  flagrant  offence.  I  couldn't 
pass  it  over  without  an  apology. 

Felix.     Mrs.  Whichello,  may  I  offer  your  sincere 
regrets,  shall  we  say  apologies,  to  Lady  Bodsworth? 
[Lady   Bodsworth   looks  very  triumphantly 
at  Mary  —  there  is  again  a  long  pause.] 
[42] 


MARY  GOES  FIRST 


Mary.     Certainly. 

Felix.  There,  Lady  Bodsworth!  That  is  very 
satisfactory,  and  we  can  all  be  friends  again.  Tad- 
man,    I    know    you're    longing    for    a    rubber 

[Again  moving  toward  card-table.] 

Lady  B.  [Keeping  her  position,  looking  mali- 
ciously triumphant  at  Mary].  It's  so  very  flagrant. 
I  should  prefer  an  apology  in  writing  —  in  case  it 
might  happen  again.     [Looking  at  Sir  Thomas.] 

SirT.  Certainly  —  you're  quite  right.  An  apol- 
ogy in  writing.  [Looking  at  Mary.]  Will  that  be 
forthcoming? 

Mary  [Very  decisively].     No! 

SirT.  Oh!  Then  do  I  understand  that  you  call 
Lady  Bodsworth  an  impropriety,  and  refuse  to 
apologize? 

Mary.  I  did  not  call  Lady  Bodsworth  an  impro- 
priety. I  said  she  looked  like  an  impropriety.  [Look- 
ing intently  at  Lady  Bodsworth,  speaking  very 
deliberately,  slowly  driving  each  word  home.]  She  does 
not  look  like  an  impropriety  —  [looking  Lady  Bods- 
worth up  and  down]  —  not  the  least  like  an  im- 
propriety. 

Lady  B.  Oh  —  oh  —  Sir  Thomas,  will  you  please 
have  our  motor  called? 

[43] 


MARY  GOES  FIRST 


Sir  T.  One  moment,  Fanny.  Tadman,  I  shall 
place  this  matter  in  your  hands.  You  will  please 
draw  up  a  form  of  apology;  make  it  very  stringent, 
and  submit  it  to  me. 

Tadman.  Yes  —  yes,  Sir  Thomas  —  but  as  I  am 
also  Whichello's  legal  adviser,  I  can  act  for  both  of 
you. 

Sir  T.  You  can  act  for  me  or  for  Mr.  Whiehello; 
but  in  this  instance  I  prefer  to  have  my  own  lawyer. 

Tadman.  You'd  better  let  me  arrange.  I  should 
advise  Mrs.  Whiehello  to  retract 

Mary.  Thank  you,  Mr.  Tadman,  we  prefer  to 
have  our  own  lawyer. 

Dick.  No,  no,  Mary.  [Is  seen  to  be  arguing  with 
her.] 

Sir  T.  You  will  oblige  me,  Tadman,  by  saying 
whether  you  intend  to  act  for  Mr.  Whiehello  or 
for  me. 

Tadman.  Oh,  for  you,  Sir  Thomas,  of  course  — 
but 

Sir  T.  Very  well.  If  Galpin  will  kindly  excuse 
you,  we  will  take  our  measures  at  once.  Mrs.  Tad- 
man had  better  come  with  us  while  the  exact  words 
that  Mrs.   Whiehello  used  are  fresh  in  her  mind. 

I'm  sorry  to  break  up  your  party,  Galpin 

[44] 


MARY  GOES  FIRST 


Felix.  I'm  sorry  for  the  reason,  Sir  Thomas. 
[To  Lady  Bodswortii.]  But  can't  I  persuade 
you 

Lady  B.     I  couldn't  think  of  remaining  in  the 

company  of [Looking  indignantly  at  Mary.] 

I'll  wait  downstairs,  please,  till  our  motor  is  ready. 

Felix  [Offers  his  arm].  Allow  me.  I'm  sure 
Mrs.  Whichello  didn't  intend [Going  off. 

Lady  B.     Oh,  please  don't  mention  her  name. 
[Felix    takes    off   Lady    Bodsworth.     The 
Tadmans  are  saying  good-night  and  shaking 
hands  with  Dick  and  Mary.] 

Sir  T.    [To     Ciiesher].      Good-night,     Doctor. 
[Shaking  hands.]     My  wife  an  impropriety!     What 
,  is  your  opinion  of  that? 

Chesher.  A  very  obvious  error  in  classifica- 
tion. 

Sir  T.  My  wife  an  impropriety!  [Getting  more 
angry.  The  more  I  think  of  it,  the  more  monstrous 
it  seems!  [Impatiently.]  Now,  Tadman.  if  you're 
ready [Exit. 

Mrs.  T.  [To  Chesher].     Good-night 

Chesher.  Let  me  see  you  to  the  motor.  [Takes 
off  Mrs.  Tadman.] 

Tadman  [Shaking  hands  with  Dick].     Very  sorry 

[45] 


MARY  GOES  FIRST 


—  but  as  Sir  Thomas  is  my  oldest  client  —  I'm  sure 
you'll  understand 

Mary.     Oh,  we  quite  understand.    [Exit  Tadman. 

Dick.  You've  let  me  in  for  a  pretty  thing 
now 

Mary.  You  surely  don't  want  me  to  apolo- 
gize  

Dick.     You'll  have  to  one  way  or  t*he  other. 

Mary.  Indeed  I  shall  not !  Sign  an  apology  for 
that  woman  to  take  about  Warkinstall  and  show  all 
my  friends! 

Dick.  I'm  not  going  to  have  a  lawsuit.  I  shall 
go  round  to  Tadman  in  the  morning  and  get  him  to 
settle  it. 

Mary.  Tadman?  He's  on  their  side.  You  can 
see  that.     I  shall  consult  Mr.  Galpin 

Felix  reenters. 

Oh,  Mr.  Galpin,  I'm  so  sorry  this  has  hap- 
pened, but  you'll  be  able  to  get  us  out  of  it,  won't 
you? 


Reenter  Chesher. 


Felix.     I'll  do  my  best,  as  a  friend 

Mary.     No,  we  want  you  to  act  for  us 

[46] 


MARY  GOES  FIRST 


Felix.     Mr.   Tadman   is   Mr.    Whichello's   law- 


yer  

Mary.     Then  you'll  have  to  be  mine. 

Felix.     If  Mr.  Whichello  wishes,  but 

Dick.     I'm  not  going  to  have  a  lawsuit. 

Felix.  I'll  take  very  good  care  you  don't,  if  I 
handle  the  case. 

Mary.  There,  Dick!  And  I'm  not  going  to 
apologize. 

Felix.  There'll  be  no  necessity,  if  I  handle  the  case. 

Mary.  There,  Dick!  [Dick  utters  a  low,  discon- 
tented growl.  Mary  goes  to  him.]  Now,  Dick,  don't 
be  unreasonable.  Mr.  Galpin  will  arrange  it  so  that 
I  don't  apologize,  and  that  you  don't  have  a  law- 
suit!    [Is  seen  to  be  arguing  with  him.] 

Chesher  [In  a  low  voice  to  Felix].  How  are  you 
going  to  manage  it? 

Felix.  I'm  hanged  if  I  know.  [To  Mary.]  It 
isn't  very  late.     Shall  we  have  just  one  rubber? 

Mary.     Oh,  do! 

[Felix  wheels  the  card-table  into  the  centre  of 
the  room.] 

Felix.  Uncle,  you'll  take  a  hand.  I'm  very 
sorry,  Mrs.  Whichello,  that  you  and  Whichello  have 
had  such  an  uncomfortable  evening. 

[47] 


MARY  GOES  FIRST 


Mary.  Oh,  I've  enjoyed  it  thoroughly.  Haven't 
you,  Dick?  [Dick  growls  very  discontentedly  in  his 
armchair.]  Dick,  come  up  to  the  table  and  behave 
yourself.  If  you  don't,  I  shall  have  to  go  and  stay 
with  Aunt  Henrietta  again.  You  won't  like  that.  She 
won't  have  you  near  the  place.     [Dick  growls  again.] 

Felix  [Spreading  out  a  pack].     Shall  we  cut? 

Mary  [Cuts].  Now,  Dick,  come  and  cut,  and 
think  of  something  that  will  make  you  look  happy! 

Dick  [Rises,  growls,  comes  to  the  table].     What? 

Mary.  Think  you've  got  to  take  me  home  in  your 
motor  car,  while  poor  Sir  Thomas  has  got  to  take 
Lady  Bodsworth !     [Chesher  has  cut.    Dick  has  cut.] 

Mary  [Cuts].     Two. 

Felix  [Cuts].  Four.  You  and  I,  Mrs.  Whichello. 
Where  will  you  sit?      [Shuffling  the  cards  vigorously.] 

Mary.     Here. 

[Felix  puts  the  cards  he  is  shuffling  before 
Dick,  who  cuts  to  Mary.     Mary  deals.] 

Dick.  You're  sure  you  can  keep  me  out  of  a  law- 
suit, Galpin? 

Felix  [Vigorously  shuffling  the  other  cards].  If  I 
handle  the  case.  "Never  go  to  law"  is  the  advice 
I  always  give  my  clients.  And  up  to  the  present  I've 
kept  them  out  of  it. 

[48] 


MARY  GOES  FIRST 


Mary.     And  I  shan't  have  to  apologize? 

Felix.     Never ! 

Chesher.     How  much  are  we  playing  for? 

Dick.     Five  shillings  a  hundred? 

Mary.  Oh,  say  ten.  I'm  thirsting  for  some- 
body's blood! 

Dick  [Groans].  You're  going  to  draw  mine  if  you 
don't  take  care! 

Mary.     Hold  your  tongue,  Dick. 

Ella  enters  from  curtains  and  comes  up  to  table. 

Dick.  You'd  better  come  round  and  see  me  in  the 
morning. 

Felix.     Right.     What  time? 

Dick.  Ten.  No,  I've  got  to  play  golf.  I'm  full 
up  all  day.  [To  Mary.]  Why  couldn't  you  keep 
your  mouth  shut? 

Mary.     Keep  your  cards  up. 

Ella.     What's  the  matter? 

Dick.  Mary  is  going  to  let  me  in  for  a  lawsuit 
with  the  Bods  worths. 

Ella.     What  fun! 

Mary.     No  trumps ! 


Quick  curtain. 
[49] 


ACT  II 

Six  weeks  pass  between  Acts  I  and  II. 


ACT  II 

Scene  :  The  same.  About  jour  o'clock  on  an  afternoon 
in  late  February.  The  curtains  are  closely  drawn, 
shutting  out  the  further  room.  A  bright  fire  is  burn- 
ing. 

Discover:  Felix  with  four  or  five  dictionaries  on  table 
in  front  of  him;  one  is  open,  and  he  is  bending  over 
it. 

Enter  Dakin,  showing  in  Ella  in  pretty  winter  outdoor 
dress.  Exit  Dakin.  Felix  rises,  takes  Ella's 
hand,  kisses  her  in  silence. 

Felix.  You're  a  little  late.  I  hope  Mrs.  Which- 
ello  won't  be  long.  I've  had  to  leave  the  office 
and  there's  only  the  boy. 

Ella.  Mary's  coming  on.  Dick  and  she  are 
having  another  row. 

Fellx.     Over  the  Bodsworth  business? 

Ella.     Naturally.     There    has    been    no    other 

[53] 


MARY  GOES  FIRST 


business  in  our  house  since  the  night  of  your  dinner. 
Dick  and  Mary  argue  and  argue  and  argue.  Felix, 
when  we're  married,  we  shan't  be  always  arguing 
like  that,  shall  we? 

Felix.     Certainly  not.     I'll  do  all  my  arguing  in 
Court. 

Ella.  It  would  be  so  dreadful,  if  we  got  quar- 
rolling,  just  like  ordinary  married  people. 

Felix.  How  can  they  do  it?  How  can  they  do 
it? 

Ella.     And  Mary  is  so  perfectly  right,  isn't  she? 

Felix.     Perfectly  right. 

Ella.     She  can't  give  a  written  apology? 

Felix.     Out  of  the  question. 

Ella.  If  the  Bodsworths  take  it  into  Court,  we 
shall  win,  shan't  we? 

Felix.  We've  got  to-  somehow.  This  is  my 
first  important  case,  and  I  can't  afford  to  lose  it. 
Especially  as  I've  just  got  the  chance  of  another. 

Ella.     Have  you? 

Felix.  Borrodaile  was  in  my  office  this  morning. 
He's  inclined  to  fight  the  Church  people  over  the 
new  cemetery  and  crematorium. 

Ella.     I    hope    he    will.     Did    you    encourage 

him? 

[54] 


MARY  GOES  FIRST 


Felix.  I  said,  "Never  go  to  law.  But,"  I  said, 
"in  this  instance,  I  don't  see  how  you  can  possibly 
lose." 

Ella.     Yes,  that's  the  way  to  put  it. 

Felix.  Oh,  by  the  way  —  [draiving  a  letter  from 
his  pocket  and  giving  it  to  Ella]  —  my  uncle  has 
promised  to  tide  me  over  another  year. 

Ella.  Isn't  he  a  brick !  [Reading.]  "I  am  per- 
suaded that  a  young  man  with  your  flexible  con- 
victions is  bound  to  succeed." 

Pelix.  He's  a  good  judge  of  character.  Read 
on.  He's  called  to  a  consultation  at  Barsfield,  so 
he's  dropping  in  on  his  way  back  to  town. 

Ella.  Oh,  yes.  [Reading.]  "So  I  shall  be  with 
you  a  little  after  three." 

Felix.     Things  are  looking  up  at  last 

Ella.  Yes,  if  you  get  the  cemetery  case  —  do 
you  think  you  will? 

Felix.  Well,  Borrodaile  is  a  stiff-necked  old  Rad- 
ical. He  hinted  pretty  strongly  that  he  couldn't 
employ  a  Tory  lawyer. 

Ella.  Couldn't  you  —  manage  to  drop  being  a 
Tory  —  just  for  the  time? 

Felix.  I've  a  jolly  good  mind  to  drop  being  a 
Tory  altogether.     Oh!  I  ought  to  have  gone  in  for 

[55] 


MARY  GOES  FIRST 


politics  at  the  start!     Look  at  my  old  chum,  Harvey 

Betts 

Ella.  Yes.  Mary  wants  to  talk  to  you  about 
him 

Enter  Dakix,  showing  in  Mary. 

Dakin  [Announces].     Mrs.  Whicheljo. 

[Exit  Dakin.     Mary  is  smartly  dressed  in 
winter  clothes.] 

Felix.     How  d'ye  do? 

Mary  [Curtly].  How  d'ye  do?  [Barely  shakes 
harids,  and  drops  into  a  chair.]  I  do  think  my  hus- 
band is  the  most  stupid,  obstinate  man  on  earth ! 

Felix.     Oh,  not  quite  so  bad  as  that,  is  he? 

Mary  [Decisively].  Now,  Mr.  Galpin,  this  affair 
of  the  Bodsworths  must  be  brought  to  a  head. 

Fellx.     Well,  it  seems  to  be  shaping  that  way. 

Mary.  The  question  is  whether  you  are  on  Dick's 
side  or  mine? 

Felix.     On  vours  —  certainly  on  yours. 

Mary.  Because  Dick  says  you  entirely  agree 
with  him  that  a  lawsuit  must  be  avoided. 

Felix.  Oh,  no,  oh,  no  My  advice  is,  "Never 
go  to  law  if  you  can  possibly  avoid  it."  But  there 
are  times  when  you  can't  possibly  avoid  it. 

[56] 


MARY  GOES  FIRST 


Mary.     Well,  Dick's  coming  on  here  directly 
Felix.     I  must  talk  to  him. 


Mary.  I  hope  you  will.  Because  I  may  tell  you 
plainly  that  if  you  wish  to  be  engaged  to  Ella,  you 
will  insist  to  my  husband  that  it  would  be  a  fatal 
step  for  me  to  apologize. 

Felix.     I'll  put  that  strongly  to  him. 

Mary.     You'd  better,  if  you  wish  to  marry  Ella. 

Ella.  Oh,  I  couldn't  think  of  giving  him  up! 
Could  I,  Felix? 

Mary.  My  dear  Ella,  you  couldn't  possibly 
marry  Mr.  Galpin  if  he  gets  your  sister  into  a  hor- 
rible mess,  and  makes  her  cave  in  to  that  dreadful 
old  impropriety. 

Ella.     But  Felix  won't,  will  you? 

Felix.  You  may  rely  I  shall  do  everything  in  my 
power  to  convince  Mr.  Whichello. 

Mary.  Very  well.  If  you  bring  Dick  round  to 
our  way  of  thinking,  I'll  take  care  he  gives  his  consent 
to  your  marriage  with  Ella  as  soon  as  this  has  all 
blown  over. 

Ella.  There,  Felix.  You  will  stick  to  Mary, 
won't  you? 

Felix.     I  will,  like  a  leech. 

Mary.     Then,  that's  settled.     Now,  Ella,  I  want 

[57] 


MARY  GOES  FIRST 


to  talk  to  Mr.  Galpin.  The  motor's  outside.  You 
go  on  to  Carrick  and  Green's,  and  get  your  dress 
tried  on.  I'll  be  there  to  try  on  mine  as  soon  as 
you've  finished.     Send  the  motor  back  for  me. 

Ella.  All  right.  [Going  to  door.  To  Felix.] 
Don't  come  down  —  no  surrender!  No  apology! 
Down  with  the  Bodsworths!  Down  ^  with  impro- 
priety! [Exit. 

Mary.     Have  you  seen  Mr.  Tadman? 

Felix.  Yes.  He  says  the  story  is  being  repeated 
all  over  the  town,  and  Lady  Bodsworth  is  obliged  to 
insist  on  the  apology. 

Mary.     You  told  him  I  wouldn't  sign? 

Felix.  I  said  I  would  submit  it  to  you,  but  I 
feared  it  would  be  useless.  [Draws  a  large  blue  en- 
velope out  of  his  pocket,  takes  out  a  blue  paper  and  gives 
it  to  Mary,  who  reads  it.]  Tadman  is  calling  on  Sir 
Thomas  this  afternoon  for  final  instructions.  He 
said  he'd  look  in  here  on  his  way  up. 

Mary  [Having  looked  at  the  paper,  gives  a  little 
shriek,  reads  a  little  further,  gives  a  louder  shriek]. 
Sign  this?  Why  doesn't  she  ask  me  to  sweep  her 
doorsteps?     [About  to  tear  it  up.] 

Felix.     No,  don't  tear  it.     I  must  show  it  to 

Whichello. 

[58] 


MARY  GOES  FIRST 


Mary.     No,  he  might  want  me  to  sign  it. 

Felix.  Well,  I  must  keep  it  for  reference.  [She 
gives  him  the  paper.] 

Mary.     "Undertake  not  to  repeat "!    When 

she's  going  about  telling  everybody  the  most  dread- 
ful —  there's  no  other  word  —  lies  about  it.  The 
account  she  gave  to  the  Petburys  when  they  lunched 
there !  Never  mind !  I  gave  Lady  Petbury  my  ver- 
sion.    I  kept  her  laughing  for  an  hour. 

Felix.  I  wouldn't  say  anything  about  it  while 
there's  a  lawsuit  pending. 

Mary.  Not  say  anything  about  it?  Oh,  yes,  I 
shall!     Every  day  I  think  of  something  fresh! 

Felix.  I  hope  you're  careful  to  say  nothing  that 
isn't  strictly  accurate. 

Mary.  Accurate?  You  don't  expect  me  to  be 
accurate  after  the  awful  things  she  is  saying  about 
me? 

Felix.  You  must  remember  it  will  all  be  taken 
back  to  her. 

Mary.  Yes!  That's  exactly  what  I  want.  I 
thought  of  two  perfectly  fiendish  additions  yester- 
day  

Felix.     You  haven't  used  them,  I  trust? 

Mary.     Yes,  I  went  round  to  Mrs.  Bratwick  and 

[59] 


MARY  GOES  FIRST 


told  her.     Mrs.  Bratwick  is  her  dearest  friend,  so  I 
knew  she'd  go  straight  and  tell  the  impropriety. 

Felix.     You  mustn't  use  that  word 

Mary.  Oh,  everybody  calls  her  that  now.  She'll 
never  be  known  as  anything  else.  Now,  how  soon 
shall  we  have  a  General  E'ection? 

Felix.  Within  a  few  months  —  certainly  within 
a  year.     What  has  that  got  to  do  with  it? 

Mary.  Mr.  Elkington's  majority  was  only  seven- 
teen.    They  say  he'll  lose  the  seat  next  time. 

Felix.     Most  likely,  I  should  say. 

Mary.  Dick  has  always  been  a  Tory,  but  they're 
having  dreadful  rows  on  the  Town  Council  about  the 
new  cemetery  and  the  tramways.  Dick  is  disgusted 
with  them.     I'm  persuading  him  to  turn  Liberal. 

Fellx.     That  wouldn't  win  us  our  lawsuit. 

Mary.  No,  but  —  Mr.  Harvey  Betts,  the  Junior 
Liberal  Whip,  is  a  great  friend  of  yours? 

Felix.  Yes,  we're  old  Carthusians.  Harvey  is  a 
big  man  now.     I  wish  I'd  gone  in  for  politics ! 

Mary.  Couldn't  you  invite  Mr.  Betts  down  for  a 
week-end? 

Felix.     Oh,  yes.     But  how  would  that  serve  us? 

Mary.     If  Dick  would  only  turn  Liberal,  and  win 

the  seat  for  them 

[CO] 


MARY  GOES  FIRST 


Felix.     What  then? 

Mary.  There  was  an  old  baronetcy  in  the  Which- 
ello  family.  It  has  been  extinct  for  over  a  hundred 
years 

Felix.  They'd  scarcely  give  Whichello  a  baro- 
netcy for  winning  the  Warkinstall  seat. 

Mary.  No,  not  for  merely  winning  the  seat. 
But  —  aren't  there  other  ways? 

Felix.     What  do  you  mean? 

Mary.  Don't  they  give  baronetcies  and  peer- 
ages to  people  who  subscribe  to  the  party  funds? 

Felix.  Yes  —  but  they  have  to  fork  out  pretty 
heavily. 

Mary.     How  much? 

Felix.  Heaven  only  knows  —  and  the  party 
leaders. 

Mary.  Couldn't  you  get  Mr.  Betts  down  and 
find  out  from  him  how  much? 

Felix.  Oh,  I  daresay  Harvey  would  come.  But 
to  get  a  title  you  have  to  be  deserving  in  other  ways. 

Mary.     How  deserving? 

Felix.  Well,  Bodsworth  happened  to  be  build- 
ing a  sanatorium,  and  it  came  in  just  handy  for  the 
Insurance  Act. 

Mary  [After  a  little  tJioughtful  pause],     Dick  shall 

[61] 


MARY  GOES  FIRST 


give  the  town  the  new  cemetery  and  crematorium! 
[Suddenly  bursts  into  laughter.}     Ha!  ha!  ha! 

Felix.     What's  the  matter? 

Mary.  Fancy  Lady  Bodsworth  having  to  be 
cremated  in  our  crematorium!  Ha!  ha!  Or  even 
only  buried! 

Felix.  At  the  rate  we're  going  on,  it  will  cost  us 
a  lot  before  we  do  get  rid  of  her. 

Mary.     Never  mind!     It  has  got  to  be  done! 

Felix.  I  don't  know  what  we're  going  to  let 
Whichcllo  in  for. 

Mary.     We're  going  to  let  him  in  for  a  baronetcy. 

Felix.     Yes,  but  will  he  stand  the  racket? 

Mary.  He'll  have  to  stand  the  racket.  You 
aren't  going  to  turn  on  his  side,  are  you? 

Felix.  No,  but  hadn't  we  better  tot  up  before 
we  go  any  further?  Now  this  lawsuit  —  suppose  it 
goes  against  us? 

Mary.     It  wouldn't  cost  very  much,  would  it? 

Felix.  Can't  say.  Some  hundreds  at  least.  A 
good  deal  would  depend  upon  the  impression  you 
make  on  the  jury. 

Mary.  Oh,  I  think  I  can  manage  that.  Lady 
Bodsworth  will  have  to  appear,  too? 

Felix.     Of  course. 

[62] 


MARY  GOES  FIRST 


Mary.     In  that  wig?     Oh,  we  shall  romp  in! 

Felix.  Yes,  but  the  other  side  will  want  to  know 
exactly  what  you  meant  by  "impropriety." 

Mary.     Well,  what  did  I? 

Felix.     Well,  what  did  you? 

Mary.     You  said  you'd  look  me  up  a  meaning. 

Felix  [Going  to  the  dictionaries].  I  asked  McClin- 
tock  to  lend  me  his  big  etymological  dictionary.  He 
sent  these  in  just  before  lunch. 

Enter  Dakin,  showing  in  Ciiesher. 

Ciiesiier.     How  are  you,  Felix? 

Felix.     How  are  you? 

Chesher.  Mrs.  Whichello  —  delighted  to  meet 
you  again!     [Shaking  hands.] 

Mary.     You're  paying  us  another  visit? 

Chesher.  I've  just  looked  in  for  an  hour  on  my 
way  back  to  town.  Everything  going  well?  I  hope 
that  little  affair  with  the  Bodsworths  has  quite 
blown   over? 

Fellx.  Not  quite.  Mrs.  Whichello  and  I  were 
just  talking  it  over. 

Chesher.     Then  I'm  in  the  way.     [Preparing  to 

go.] 

Mary.     No,  don't  go.    Perhaps  you  could  help  us. 

[63] 


MARY  GOES  FIRST 


Chesher.  Delighted.  But  how  can  I  be  of  any 
use? 

Mary.  If  you  were  on  the  jury,  would  you  think 
"impropriety"  a  very  dreadful  word? 

Chesher.  Well,  it  depends  upon  the  way  it  was 
used  —  and  who  used  it. 

Mary.  I  used  it.  You  remember  that  night  of 
Mr.  Galpin's  dinner  party,  and  you  remember  how 
Lady  Bodsworth  looked.  Now,  don't  you  think  I 
was  quite  justified?  [Chesher  does  not  answer.] 
Under  the  circumstances? 

Chesher.     Well,  I  shan't  be  on  the  jury. 

Mary.     No,  but  if  you  were?     Tell  me  candidly. 

Chesher.     What  was  the  exact  phrase? 

Felix  [Quoting].  "With  her  powdered  cheeks 
and  her  yellow  hair,  she  looks  like  an  impropriety." 

Mary.     Did  I  say  that? 

Felix.  Those  were  the  exact  words.  [Referring 
to  the  blue  paper.] 

Mary.  Are  you  quite  sure?  I  know  I  used  the 
word  "impropriety,"  but,  if  I  remember  rightly,  I 
didn't  use  it  in  any  derogatory  sense. 

Felix.  Sir  Thomas  had  the  words  taken  down 
that  night.  Mrs.  Tadman  will  swear  to  them,  and 
they  are  prepared  to  subpoena  Miss  Southwood. 

[64] 


MARY  GOES  FIRST 


Mary.  Ella?  Ella  doesn't  remember  exactly 
what  I  said,  but  she's  quite  sure  I  didn't  mean  any- 
thing horrid. 

Felix.  Unfortunately  Miss  Southwood  won't 
have  to  decide  what  you  meant.  The  other  side 
claim  that  "impropriety"  means  a  —  a  —  a  lady  of 
a  certain  class. 

Mary.     Oh,  no!     Oh,  no!     I  didn't  mean  that. 
•    Felix.     They  will  put  it  to  the  jury  that  you  did. 

Mary.  Dr.  Chesher,  if  you  were  on  the  jury,  you 
wouldn't  say  that  "  impropriety  "  means  —  a  —  a  — 
would  you? 

Chesher.     Isn't  it  a  useful  variant  for ? 

Mary.     For  what? 

Chesher.  You  know  our  English  way.  When 
we  want  to  escape  from  a  fact  we  escape  from  a 
word.  When  the  fact  turns  up  again,  we  escape  to 
another  word.  In  the  end,  we  find  we  haven't  abol- 
ished the  fact.  We  have  merely  corrupted  the 
English  language. 

Mary.  I  haven't  corrupted  the  English  language, 
have  I?  We  must  have  some  word  for  a  —  that  sort 
of  lady. 

Chesher.  We  had  a  good  Bible  and  Shakespear- 
ean word,  but  it  was  too  painfully  exact  to  be  applied, 

[65] 


MARY  GOES  FIRST 


so  we  escaped  to  more  pleasing  substitutes.  The 
early  Victorian  term  was  amiably  descriptive,  and 
carried  a  mild  reproof. 

Mary.     What  was  that? 

Chesiier.  About  cigh teen-forty  it  was  custom- 
ary to  speak  of  a  "Fie!  Fie!" 

Mary.     I  never  heard  the  word. 

Chesher.  "Fille  de  joie"  seems  to  be  growing 
daily  more  appropriate,  judging  from  the  appear- 
ances of  some  of  our  fashionable  restaurants.  There 
are  many  other  more  or  less  suitable  terms.  Those 
who  are  curious  in  such  lore  may  slake  their  thirst 
for  knowledge  in  Parmintcr's  "Dictionary  of  Polite 
Synonyms." 

Felix  [Has  been  busy  over  the  dictionaries].  We 
haven't  yet  decided  what  Mrs.  Whichello  meant  by 
impropriety. 

Mary.  I  meant  —  what  do  the  dictionaries  say  it 
means? 

Felix  [Reading from  a  dictionary].  "  Impropriety : 
the  quality  of  being  improper.  An  erroneous,  or  un- 
suitable expression,  act,"  etc.   [Mary  shakes  her  head.] 

Felix  [Turning  to  another  dictionary].  "Impro- 
priety: that  which  is  improper."  Quotation  from 
Jane  Austen. 

[66] 


MARY  GOES  FIRST 


Chesher.     Surely  not! 

Felix.  "Elizabeth  had  never  been  blind  to  tl«; 
improprieties  of  her  father's  behavior." 

Mary.  Well,  I  wpsn't  blind  to  the  impropriety  of 
Lady's  Bodsworth's  behavior.     What  else? 

Felix  [Reading  from  another  dictionary].  "Im- 
propriety:  indelicacy,  unseemliness " 

Mary  [Jumps  at  it].  "Unseemliness!"  That's 
what  I  meant!  No  jury  would  give  heavy  damages 
for  "unseemliness." 

Felix.     You  can  never  tell  what  a  jury  will  do. 

Mary.     Dr.  Chesher,  if  you  were  on  the  jury 

Chesher.     Ah,  but  I'm  not. 

Mary.  But  would  you  give  heavy  damages  merely 
because  I  said  that  Lady  Bodsworth's  way  of  dress- 
ing her  hair  was  unseemly? 

Chesher.  Pardon  me,  was  that  exactly  what  you 
said? 

Mary.  Never  mind  what  I  said.  That  was  what 
I  meant.  [Chesher  shows  surprise.]  Surely  I  must 
know  what  I  meant.  And  if  you  were  on  the  jury, 
and  I  told  you  that  all  I  meant  was  that  Lady  Bods- 
worth's hair  was  unseemly,  wouldn't  you  believe 
me? 

Chesher.     I'm  very  much  afraid  I  should. 

[67] 


MARY  GOES  FIRST 


Mary    [To    Felix].     We'll    stick    to    unseemli- 
ness! 

Enter  Dakin. 

Dakix.     Mr.  Tadman  is  below,  sir. 
Felix.     I'll  come  down  to  him. 
Mary.     Couldn't  he  come  up  here? 
Felix  [To  Dakix].     Show  Mr.  Tadman  up. 
Dakix.     Yes,  sir. 

Chesher.     Felix,  I  shall  be  going  up  by  the  five- 
thirty.     I'll  see  you  by  and  by.     [To  Mary.]     If  I 

can't  be  of  any  further  use 

Mary.     You  might  stay  and  tell  Mr.  Tadman 

that  if  you  were  on  the  jury 

Chesher  [Shakes  his  head  with  a  chuckle].     Ah, 
but  I'm  not  going  to  be.  [Pops  off. 

[Exit  Chesher,  leaving  door  open.    A  moment 
later  is  heard  to  say,  "How  d'ye  do?"    Tad- 
man's    voice    responds,    "How     d'ye     do, 
Doctor?"] 
Felix  [To  Mary].     Now,  you  will  be  careful  with 
Tadman  —  don't  repeat  "impropriety." 
Mary.     No  —  "unseemliness." 

Felix.     We  might  try  a  bit  of  bluff 

Mary.     Yes.     How? 

[68] 


MARY  GOES  FIRST 


Felix.     Shush! 

Enter  Dakin,  announcing  Tadman.     Enter  Tadman. 

Exit  Dakin. 

Tadman.     How  d'ye  do,  Mrs.  Whichello? 

Mary.     How  dye  do? 

Tadman.     How  do  again,  Galpin? 

Felix.     Take  a  seat,  won't  you  ? 

Tadman  [Sitting].  I  can't  stay.  Sir  Thomas  is 
expecting  me.  I  hope  Mrs.  Whichello  consents  to 
an  apology? 

Felix  [Firmly].  I  don't  think  so,  eh,  Mrs.  Which- 
ello? 

Mary.     Certainly  not. 

Tadman.     Then  we  must  take  it  into  Court? 

Fellx.  I  suppose  Sir  Thomas  and  Lady  Bods- 
worth  fully  realize  what  that  means? 

Tadman.     Pretty  heavy  damages,  I  should  say. 

Fellx.  What  for?  Mrs.  Whichello  inadvertently 
makes  a  playful  little  comment  on  Lady  Bods- 
worth  

Tadman.     Playful  little  comment ! 

Felix.  For  which  she  expresses  her  deep  regret- 
Lady  Bodsworth  refuses  to  accept  our  apologies,  and 
insists  on  bringing  it  before  a  jury.     Well,  now, 

[69] 


MARY  GOES  FIRST 


Tadman,  are  you  really  going  to  allow  Lady  Bods- 
worth  to  offer  her  hair  and  complexion  to  the  contem- 
plation of  a  jury?  [Mary  gives  a  little  chuckle.]  And 
so  justify  Mrs.  Whichello's  playful  little  comment? 

Tadman.  I  suppose  Mrs.  Whichello  knows  the 
implied  meaning  of  impropriety? 

Mary.     Yes,  it  means  "unseemliness." 
[Tadmax  gives  a  derisive  little  grunt.] 
It  says  so  in  the  dictionary. 

[Tadmax  again  gives  a  little  grant.] 

Felix.     Mrs.  Whichello  will  be  delighted  to  ex- 
plain to  the  jury  exactly  what  she  meant. 
[Tadmax  again  gives  a  little  grunt.] 

Mary.  I'm  longing  to  go  into  the  box  —  simply 
longing. 

Felix.  Our  counsel  will  be  instructed  to  treat  the 
whole  matter  as  a  farce.  He  may  perhaps  suggest 
to  Mrs.  Whichello  a  few  playful  variations  on  the 
original  theme. 

Tadmax.  That  will  increase  our  chance  of  getting 
heavy  damages. 

Felix.  Heavy  damages?  Why,  you  know,  Tad- 
man, this  is  just  the  sort  of  case  that  a  judge  and  jury 
look  upon  as  a  day's  outing.  Suppose  Sparling  gets 
hold  of  it!     Heavy  damages?     You'll  get  a  farthing! 

[70] 


MARY  GOES  FIRST 


And  the  next  day  all  the  papers  will  have  chaffing 
articles  on  Lady  Bodsworth's  complexion,  and  she'll 
be  known  all  over  the  country  as  an  impropriety  — 
whatever  that  may  mean.  Is  that  what  Sir  Thomas 
wants?  Just  as  he's  going  up  to  get  his  title!  You 
know  best. 

Tadman  [Rising].  Then  Mrs.  Whichello  declines 
to  sign  the  apology? 

Mary.     Positively ! 

Tadman.     I'll  tell  Sir  Thomas  your  decision. 

Enter  Dakin,  announcing  Mr.  Whichello.  Enter 
Dick.  Exit  Dakin.  Dick  is  evidently  in  a  ruffled 
temper. 

Dick  [Curtly].  How  d'ye  do,  Galpin?  Ah,  Tad- 
man, I'm  very  glad  to  find  you  here.  [Mary  makes 
signs  to  Dick  to  be  quiet.  He  takes  no  notice.}  Now, 
Tadman,  this  confounded  thing  has  gone  far  enough. 
Can't  we  get  it  settled? 

[Mary  gives  a  little  shriek  and  shows  intense 
annoyance.] 
Tadman.     Nothing   would   please   us   better.     I 
have  handed  Mr.  Galpin  a  form  of  apology. 
Mary  [Decisively].     Which  I  shall  not  sign. 
Dick  [Impatiently].     Tsh!     Tsh!    Tsh! 

[71] 


MARY  GOES  FIRST 


[Felix  takes  the  form  of  apology  from  his  pocket 
and  gives  it  to  Dick.     Mary  makes  signs  to 
Felix  while  Dick  reads  the  apology.] 
Dick  [Having  read  it].     Yes  —  well,  this  is  a  bit 

stiff 

Mary.  Stiff!  It's  an  insult,  isn't  it,  Mr.  Galpin? 
Dick  [Impatiently].  Tsh!  Tsh!  Tsh!  [To  Tad- 
man.]  I've  just  seen  Monkhouse,  and  he  tells 
me  that  as  an  old  friend  of  us  both,  he  has  got  Sir 
Thomas  to  promise  to  meet  me  and  talk  this  over 
amicably. 

Mary.     Mr.  Galpin  and  I  have  decided  upon  a 

course  of  action 

Dick.     Have  you?     Well,  I  have  decided  upon  a 
course  of  action. 

[Mary  in  despair  sits  down,  looks  very  obstinate, 

taps  the  ground  impatiently  with  her  feet, 

exchanges  glances  with  Felix,  and  makes 

contemptuous  gestures  as  Dick  proceeds.] 

Dick.  Now,  Tadman,  will  you  tell  Sir  Thomas  that 

I  shall  be  pleased  to  talk  this  over  in  a  friendly  way? 

Tadman.     Certainly.     When  and  where? 

Dick.     This  is  neutral  ground.      If  he  wouldn't 

mind  stepping  round 

Tadman.     I'll  suggest  that  to  Sir  Thomas. 

[72] 


MARY  GOES  FIRST 


Dick.  And  if  he'll  meet  me  over  the  apology,  I'll 
meet  him  over  the  tramways  and  the  cemetery. 

Mary.  We  must  have  a  cemetery.  And  a  cre- 
matorium. 

Dick.  Tsh!  Tsh!  Tsh!  Bring  him  along.  Gal- 
pin,  I  hope  I  may  rely  on  you  to  help  me  arrange 
this  with  Sir  Thomas. 

Felix.     Certainly.     [Rings  bell.] 

Tadman  [Takes  up  his  hat  and  is  going].  I've  no 
doubt  Sir  Thomas  will  be  ready  to  listen  to  any 
proposal 

Mary.  I  daresay  he  will!  Rather  than  allow 
Lady  Bodsworth  to  go  into  the  witness  box  with  that 
very  unseemly  hair  and  complexion! 

Dick  [Angrily].     Mary! 
[Dakin  appears  at  door.] 

Felix.     The  door,  Dakin. 

Tadman  [To  Dick].  I'll  take  your  message  to  Sir 
Thomas.  [Exit  Tadman,  followed  by  Dakin. 

Mary.  Well,  my  dear  Dick,  of  all  the  silly,  foot- 
ling, stupid,  absurd  things  you've  done  in  your  life, 
this  caps  everything! 

Dick.     How  so? 

Mary.  Just  as  Mr.  Galpin  and  I  had  planned  it 
all,  you  must  needs  come  in  and  spoil  everything! 

[73] 


MARY  GOES  FIRST 


Dick.     Spoil  what? 

Mary.  We'd  frightened  Mr.  Tadman  into  a  blue 
funk.  The  Bodsworths  wouldn't  have  dared  to 
come  into  Court !  You'd  have  gone  into  Parliament. 
The  old  baronetcy  would  have  been  revived  —  and 
then  you  blunder  in,  and  give  it  all  away!  [Throws 
up  her  arms  in  despair,  and  walks  about  desperately.] 

Dick.  Old  baronetcy?  Nonsense!  *  The  Kella- 
ton  Whichellos  were  no  connection  of  my  family. 

Mary.  They  must  have  been!  Mr.  Galpin, 
will  you  please  trace  out  my  husband's  relationship 
to  the  Kellaton  Whichellos? 

Dick  [Turns  round  on  Felix].  Galpin,  I  hope 
you're  no  party  to  this  silly  scheme  of  my  wife's? 

Mary.  Yes.  Mr.  Galpin  was  saying  ten  minutes 
ago,  "  if  Whichello  had  any  pluck  he'd  rouse  himself 
and  fight,  and  we  could  sweep  the  floor  with  the 
Bodsworths." 

Dick.     Galpin,  you  didn't  say  that? 

Felix.  Not  precisely  in  those  words.  But  I  do 
think  Mrs.  Whichello's  plan  is  worth  your  considera- 
tion. If  it  could  be  carried  out  —  mind  you,  I  don't 
say  that  it  could,  but  if  it  could,  —  it  would  place 
you  in  the  leading  position  in  Warkinstall. 

Mary.     Of  course  it  would,  and  what  are  you 

[74] 


MARY  GOES  FIRST 


now?  What  am  I?  You  say  yourself  that  Sir 
Thomas  is  sitting  on  you  on  the  Town  Council! 
He's  sitting  on  everybody !  If  you  don't  take  care, 
my  dear  Dick,  you'll  very  soon  be  a  cipher  in  Wark- 
install ! 

Dick.  That's  all  very  well  —  but  what  can 
I  do? 

Mary.  Rouse  yourself!  As  Mr.  Galpin  says, 
"  Fight  him ! "  Fight  him  over  the  tramways !  Fight 
him  over  the  cemetery !  Fight  him  over  everything ; 
Put  up  for  Parliament 

Dick.     Put  up  for  Parliament  —  as  a  Liberal? 

Mary.  Why  not?  You  don't  believe  in  food 
taxes. 

Dick.  No,  but  I'm  a  staunch  Tariff  Reformer. 
That  is,  if  the  leather  trade  is  properly  considered. 

Mary.  You  can't  be  a  Tariff  Reformer  if  you've 
read  that  little  pamphlet  I  gave  you.  It  proves  that 
under  Tariff  Reform  we  shall  all  be  starving  in  six 
months.     It  quite  convinced  me. 

Dick.  But  you  canvassed  for  Elkington  and 
Tariff  Reform  at  the  last  election ! 

Mary.  Well,  next  election  I'm  going  to  canvass 
for  you,  and  no  food  taxes.  You  surely  don't  mean 
to  let  the  Bodsworths  ride  roughshod  over  us  for  the 

[75] 


MARY  GOES  FIRST 


rest  of  our  lives?  Do  have  the  courage  of  your  con- 
victions! 

Dick.     But  I  can't  rat  from  the  party 

Mary.  It  isn't  ratting.  It's  getting  broader, 
more  enlightened  ideas,  isn't  it,  Mr.  Galpin? 

Felix.  After  all,  Whichello,  it's  only  looking  at 
things  from  a  Liberal  point  of  view  instead  of  a  Con- 
servative.    That's  all  it  amounts  to. 

Dick.  But  I  shall  have  to  give  up  my  Club,  and 
all  my  friends.  It's  the  only  place  in  the  town  where 
I  can  get  a  decent  game  of  billiards.  By  Jove,  yes, 
and  I  shall  have  to  hobnob  with  Borrodaile  and  all 
the  Dissenting  set. 

Mary.  Well,  they're  very  nice  —  when  you  get 
to  know  them.  And  you  needn't  know  them  very 
much. 

Dick.  And  what's  it  going  to  cost?  Lawsuit, 
baronetcy,  Parliament  —  I  should  have  to  be  in 
London  three  parts  of  my  time  —  I  should  never  get 
a  round  of  golf No,  I'm  hanged  if  I  do ! 

Mary.  Very  well,  my  dear  Dick.  Then  Warkin- 
stall  will  be  simply  impossible  for  me. 

Dick  [After  further  deep  reflection,  says  more  em- 
phatically]. No,  I'm  hanged  if  I  do!  No!  We 
haven't  long  to  live  in  this  world!     Do  let  us  be 

[76] 


MARY  GOES  FIRST 


happy,    do   let   us   be   comfortable   while   we    are 
here. 

Mary.  Comfortable!  Going  in  second  to  Lady 
Bodsworth  all  my  life!  You  don't  call  that  being 
comfortable? 

Enter  Dakin. 

Dakin  [To  Mary].  Please,  ma'am,  Carrick  and 
Green  have  rung  up  to  ask  if  you  wish  to  try  on  your 
dress  before  the  light  goes. 

Mary.  I'll  come  at  once.  [Exit  Dakin.]  So  if 
that's  your  decision,  Dick,  we  had  better  let  our 
house  here,  and  move  up  to  London. 

Dick.     What  for? 

Mary.  I  cannot  live  in  a  town  where  I  am  con- 
stantly trampled  under  foot  by  a  yellow-haired  — 
unseemliness. 

Dick.  Nonsense!  You  run  along  and  try  on 
your  dress. 

Mary.  Mr.  Galpin,  I  shan't  be  long.  Please  see 
that  nothing  is  settled  in  my  absence.  [He  is  accom- 
panying her.]  No  —  please  stay  and  try  to  rouse 
my  husband  to  a  sense  of  his  duty  to  himself.     [Exit. 

Dick  [Turns  round  on  Felix].  Now,  Galpin, 
what's  the  meaning  of  this? 

[77] 


MARY  GOES  FIRST 


Felix.     Meaning  of  what? 

Dick.     I  thought  you  were  on  my  side. 

Felix.     So  I  am!     So  I  am! 

Dick.  But  Mrs.  Whichello  says  you  are  advising 
her  it  will  have  to  go  into  Court. 

Felix.  No  !  No !  Not  if  we  can  possibly  keep  it 
out. 

Dick.     I'm  quite  determined  I'll  keep  it  out. 

Felix.  Quite  right!  "Never  go  to  law."  But 
there  are  times  in  every  man's  life  when  he  feels 
that 

Dick.  Yes.  Well,  this  is  one  of  the  times  in  my 
life  when  I  don't  feel  like  that  at  all. 

Felix.  "When  he  feels  that  he  owes  it  to  his  own 
dignity  to 

Dick.  I  don't  feel  I  owe  a  ha'penny  to  my  own 
dignity.  And  I'll  take  jolly  good  care  I  don't  owe  a 
thousand  pounds  or  two  to  you  lawyers  —  if  I  can 
help  it. 

Felix.  I'm  ready  to  carry  out  your  instructions. 
At  the  same  time,  I  may  point  out  to  you  one  or  two 
facts  — 

Dick.  Yes.  Well,  let  me  point  out  to  you  one  or 
two  facts.  The  first  fact  is,  I'm  Miss  Southwood's 
guardian.     The  second  fact  is,  I've  got  control  of  her 

[78] 


MARY  GOES  FIRST 


money  till  she's  twenty-five.  The  third  fact,  I've 
made  up  my  mind  I  won't  have  a  lawsuit  with  the 
Bodsworths.  [Emphasizing  his  words  by  bringing 
his  fist  on  the  table.] 

Felix.     Oh,  I'm  quite  with  you  —  quite. 

Dick.  Now  you  wish  to  be  engaged  to  Miss 
Southwood,  don't  you? 

Felix.     ^Yith  your  consent. 

Dick.  Very  well.  Then  I'll  give  you  a  very 
straight  tip.  You  get  me  out  of  this  mess  with  the 
Bodsworths,  and  persuade  my  wife  to  give  up  this 
silly  nonsense  of  going  into  Parliament,  and  getting  a 
baronetcy,  and  when  you  propose  for  Miss  Southwood 
I  shall  most  likely  say,  "Yes."     "What  do  you  say? 

Felix.     Oh,  certainly,  certainly. 

Dick.     I  may  rely  on  you? 

Felix.     Absolutely.     [Looks  very  uncomfortable.] 

Dick.  That's  all  right  then.  I  shall  leave  Mrs. 
Whichello  entirely  in  your  hands.  [Felix's  face 
drops  and  grows  longer  and  longer  as  Dick  proceeds.] 
My  wife  is  the  dearest  little  woman  in  the  world. 
But  when  once  she  gets  an  idea  in  her  head,  she  is 
the  most  aggravating,  unreasonable,  won't-let-you- 
have-any-peace-till-she-gets-it    creature    that    ever 

breathed. 

[79] 


MARY  GOES  FIRST 


Felix.     She  is  rather  persistent. 

Dick.  Good  Lord,  yes !  You've  no  idea  what  my 
life  has  been  the  last  six  weeks.  I  haven't  had  a 
moment's  peace.  That's  why  I  think  it  will  be  bet- 
ter for  you  to  take  her  in  hand. 

Felix  [Getting  more  uncomfortable].  I  very  much 
question  the  wisdom  of  my  interfering. 

Dick.  Oh,  there  won't  be  any  interfering.  I 
shall  simply  stand  aside,  and  give  you  carte  blanche 
to  bring  her  round  to  her  senses.  The  fact  is,  Galpin, 
I  know  jolly  well  that  if  she  keeps  on  at  me  I  shall 
find  myself  let  in  for  the  lawsuit,  and  the  baronetcy, 
and  all  the  rest  of  it,  before  I  know  where  I  am. 
That's  why  I  want  you  to  come  in  as  a  buffer. 

Felix.  It's  rather  a  ticklish  thing  to  come  in  be- 
tween man  and  wife 

Dick.  So  it  is,  as  a  rule.  But  this  is  just  one  of 
those  cases  where  a  third  party  can  step  in  and  ease 
off  the  friction. 

Felix.     Well,  I'll  do  my  best,  but 

Dick.  That's  a  dear,  good  chap.  I  knew  you 
would.  I'm  much  obliged  to  you.  You  pull  this  off, 
and  then  come  and  ask  me  for  Ella.  [Offers  his  hand, 
shakes  hands  with  Felix  cordially.]  I  feel  a  load  is  off 
my  mind.     [Looks  at  his  watch.]     She'll  be  an  hour 

[80] 


MARY  GOES  FIRST 


fiddling  over  her  dress.  Now  let's  look  alive  and  fix 
this  up  with  Bodsworth  and  Tadman  while  she's  out 
of  the  way. 


Mary  enters. 

Dick.  Hillo !  Hillo !  I  thought  you  were  trying 
on  your  dress 

Mary.  I  was  so  much  upset  I  couldn't  fix  my 
mind  on  it.  It  flashed  upon  me  that  if  I  wasn't 
here,  you  would  simply  lie  down  and  ask  Sir  Thomas 
to  walk  over  you. 

Dick  [Getting  angry].  I'm  not  going  to  let  Bods- 
worth or  any  other  man  walk  over  me. 

Mary.  Yes,  you  will,  my  dear  Dick,  if  I'm  not 
here. 

Dick.  You  toddle  back  again  to  Carrick  and 
Green's  and  try  on  your  dress. 

[Mary  replies  by  seating  herself  calmly.  Dick 
looks  in  despair  at  Felix,  and  makes  a  mute 
appeal  for  help.] 

Felix  [After  a  little  hesitation].  Perhaps  you  and 
I  might  run  round  to  Sir  Thomas. 

Dick.     Yes [Preparing  to  go.] 

Mary.  He's  here.  I  saw  his  motor  coming 
round  the  corner. 

[81] 


MARY  GOES  FIRST 


Enter  Dakin. 

Dakin.  Sir  Thomas  and  Mr.  Tadman  are  in  the 
morning-room,  sir.     Shall  I  show  them  up? 

Dick.     We'll    go    down    to    them,    Galpin 

[Moving  toward  door.] 

Mary  [Rising].     Yes.  » 

Dick.     No,  you'd  better  stay  here  —  eh,  Galpin? 

Felix  [To  Mary],  Perhaps  you'd  better  let  us 
open  up  the  question.  We'll  refer  everything  to  you 
as  we  go  along. 

Mary  [Firmly].  No,  Mr.  Galpin.  You  know 
Dick's  good  nature.  He's  no  match  for  a  strong, 
determined  man  like  Sir  Thomas. 

Dick.     I'm  no  match  for  Bodsworth? 

Mary.  No,  my  dear  Dick,  you  know  you  aren't. 
He'll  make  you  say  and  do  just  whatever  he  pleases. 

Dick.  Oh,  will  he?  We  shall  see.  [To  Dakin.] 
Please  show  Sir  Thomas  and  Mr.  Tadman  up. 

Dick.  No,  Dakin  — —  [Looks  appealingly  at 
Felix.] 

Felix  [To  Dakin,  who  is  going}.  One  moment, 
Dakin.  [To  Mary.]  Suppose  you  and  I  just  step 
into  the  next  room.  [With  a  sly,  persuading  look  and 
half-wink  at  her,  unseen  by  Dick.]     We  shall  then  be 

[82] 


MARY  GOES  FIRST 


able  to  follow  the  course  of  the  negotiations 


[With  another  sly,  persuading  look   and   half-wink, 
coaxing  her  off.] 

Mary  [Moving  a  reluctant  step  toward  curtains]. 
I  don't  like  listening. 

Felix.  No,  neither  do  I,  but  —  [another  look  and 
half-wink]  —  we  can  better  keep  an  eye  on  the  situa- 
tion. [With  another  look  and  wink.  Mary  goes  up 
to  curtains  and  passes  through  reluctantly .] 

Felix  [To  Dakin].  Show  Sir  Thomas  and  Mr. 
Tadman  up.  Don't  mention  that  Mrs.  Whichello  is 
here.  [Exit  Dakin. 

Dick  [In  a  whisper  to  Felix].     Keep  her  quiet! 
[Felix  throws  Dick  a  confident  glance  of  as- 
surance, and  a  half-wink,  goes  through  cur- 
tains.    Left   alone,   Dick   shakes   his  head 
dubiously,  as  if  dissatisfied  with  the  situation, 
goes  up  to  curtains,  calls  out  to  Mary.] 
Dick.     Now,  Mary,  please  let  me  have  a  quiet 
five  minutes  with  Bodsworth,  and  don't  interrupt. 

Mary  [Within].  All  right,  I'll  look  out  of  the 
window. 

Dick  [Suspicious].  Galpin,  just  see  that  we're 
not  disturbed,  there's  a  good  fellow.  [He  shakes  his 
head  again,  very  doubtfully.] 

.      [83] 


MARY  GOES  FIRST 


Enter  Dakin,  showing  in  Sir  Thomas  and 
Mr.  Tadman.     Exit  Dakin. 

Dick  [Goes  to  Sir  Thomas  very  cordially,  offers  his 
hand].      Ah,   Sir  Thomas,   I'm   delighted   to   meet 

you [Sir  Thomas,  stolid  and  rather  cold,  shakes 

hands.]    Our  old  friend  Monkhouse  wants  us  to  make 
this  up.     He  says  you  are  quite  willing. 

Sir  T.  I'm  ready  to  discuss  the  matter.  Mr.  Gal- 
pin  is  not  here? 

Dick  [Glancing  nervously  round  at  curtains].  I've 
asked  him  to  let  you  and  me  have  a  quiet  five  min- 
utes together.  [Drawing  Sir  Thomas  away  from  the 
curtains  and  speaking  in  a  low  voice.]  Now,  you  and 
I  are  sensible  men,  Bodsworth,  aren't  we? 

Sir  T.  I  have  always  prided  myself  upon  my 
good  sense,  and  the  clear  view  I  take  of  things. 

Dick.  And  I  hope  I'm  not  an  utter  ass.  Well, 
let  us  start  from  that  platform,  and  work  from  that. 

Tadman.  An  excellent  platform!  Two  sensible 
men!     Work  from  that! 

Dick  [Glancing  nervously  at  curtains;  drawing  Sir 
Thomas  further  away;  dropping  his  voice  still  lower]. 
Now,  between  ourselves,  old  friend,  if  our  wives 
choose  to  quarrel,  there's  no  reason  that  you  and  I 

[84] 


MARY  GOES  FIRST 


should  be  fools  enough  to  follow  suit,  and  make  our- 
selves the  laughing-stock  of  the  town. 

Sir  T.  I  am  not  accustomed  to  regard  myself  as  a 
laughing-stock. 

Dick.  No!  No!  [Dropping  his  voice  again,  al- 
tvays  with  a  nervous  eye  on  the  curtains.]  But  folks 
are  laughing  at  us,  aren't  they,  Tadman? 

Tadman.     They  are  taking  that  view  of  it. 

Dick.  I've  never  been  so  much  chaffed  in  my  life. 
And  they'll  laugh  more  if  we're  fools  enough  to  go 
to  law. 

Sir  T.     I  am  quite  prepared  to  arrange  it. 

Dick.  Very  well.  Then  —  [dropping  his  voice] — 
we  agree  to  settle  it  amicably. 

Sir  T.     On  a  satisfactory  basis. 

Dick.  Of  course,  on  a  satisfactory  basis.  [Whis- 
pering.] The  great  thing  is,  we  don't  go  to  law.  Let's 
shake  hands  on  that.  [Offering  hand;  they  shake 
hands,  Dick  very  cordially.] 

Tadman.  That's  what  I  advised  on  the  night  — 
arrange  it  amicably. 

Dick.  So  you  did,  Tadman.  Well,  we  have  ar- 
ranged it  amicably.  Now  —  [dropping  his  voice  to  a 
coaxing  whisper  and  drawing  them  toward  him]  — 
let's  all  meet  at  the  Club  in  an  hour's  time,  and  settle 

[85] 


MARY  GOES  FIRST 


the  details  over  a  bottle  of  champagne.     I'll  bring 
Galpin  on. 

Sir  T.  I  have  promised  Lady  Bodsworth  that  no 
step  shall  be  taken  without  her  knowledge. 

Dick  [Is  upset].  Oh!  [Dropping  his  voice.]  I 
don't  think  that's  wise !  [Coaxing.]  Hadn't  we  bet- 
ter fix  it  up  at  the  Club,  and  tell  our  wives  after- 
wards? You  can  send  Tadman  on  to  tell  Lady 
Bodsworth,  and  I'll  send  Galpin  on  to  tell  Mrs. 
Whichello.  And  you  and  I  can  stay  on  at  the  Club, 
and  have  a  little  friendly  dinner  together,  eh? 

Sir  T.  [Firmly],  I  have  given  my  pledge  to  Lady 
Bodsworth  to  settle  nothing  without  her.  She  is 
waiting  in  the  motor  outside.     I  had  better  bring 

her    up [Making    a   little    movement    toward 

door.] 

Dick.  I  don't  think  I  would!  [Coming  up  very 
cautiously  to  Sir  T.,  speaking  in  a  nervous  whisper.] 
Can't  we  all  pop  down  to  the  Club 

Sir  T.  [Getting  very  suspicious,  speaks  loudly].  Pop 
down  to  the  Club?  Why  should  we  pop  down  to  the 
Club?  We  are  doing  nothing  to  be  ashamed  of,  I 
hope? 

Dick.     No,  no 

Sir  T.    Then  why  do  you  speak  in  whispers? 

[86] 


MARY  GOES  FIRST 


Don't  you  wish  everything  to  be  open  and  above- 
board? 

Dick.     Oh,  yes,   oh,  yes 

Sir  T.  Then  as  Lady  Bodsworth  is  the  insulted 
party 


Dick.     Oh,  not  insulted 

Sir  T.  Not  insulted?  She  is  designated  as  an 
"impropriety,"  and  she  is  not  insulted? 

Dick.     Well,  we  needn't  go  into  that  just  now 

Sir  T.  But  that  is  precisely  what  we  must  go 
into.     And  if  you  wish  to  settle  it  amicably 

Dick.  I  do,  I  do.  But  I  do  think  that  Lady 
Bodsworth's  presence  —  eh,  Tadman? 

Tadman.  I  don't  see  how  we  can  arrive  at  any 
understanding  without  Lady  Bodsworth's  sanction. 

Sir  T.  Certainly  not.  Nor  shall  I  be  any  party 
to  "popping  into  the  Club,"  or  any  underhand  ne- 
gotiations whatever.  Lady  Bodsworth  and  I  are  will- 
ing to  discuss  the  matter  —  without  prejudice 

Tadman  [To  Dick].  You  won't  get  a  better 
chance  to  settle,  Whichello. 

Sir  T.  Then  with  Galpin's  permission  I  will 
bring  her  up.     Where  is  Galpin? 

Dick.  He'll  be  here  directly.  He  popped  into 
the  next  room  at  my  request. 

[87] 


MARY  GOES  FIRST 


Sir  T.  [Growing  more  suspicious].  "Popped  into 
the  next  room"  ?  I  don't  like  all  this  "popping" 
into  next  rooms,  and  "popping"  into  Clubs.  Galpin 
had  better  be  present  if  we  are  to  come  to  a  settle- 
ment.    I'll  fetch  Lady  Bodsworth.  [Exit. 

Dick  [Approaches  T adman  in  a  cautious  whisper]. 

I  got  Galpin  to  take  my  wife  into  the  next  room 

[Indicating  curtains.] 

Tadman.     There? 

Dick.  Yes.  She's  better  out  of  the  way.  Now, 
Tadman,  you're  an  old  friend 

Tadman.     Certainly. 

Dick  [Glancing  nervously  round  at  curtains].  Well, 
let's  look  alive  and  fix  this  up  amicably.  You'll  help 
me,  won't  you? 

Tadman.     Certainly. 

Dick.     Thanks.     And  if  Galpin  can  only  manage 

to  keep  her  quiet  for  ten  minutes 

[The  curtains  are  moved  aside,  and  Felix  is 
seen  to  be  restraining  Mary  from  coming  in.] 

Felix.  We  can  keep  an  eye  on  the  situation  in 
here. 

Mary  [Entering  in  spite  of  him].  I  prefer  to  keep 
an  eye  on  the  situation  in  here.  [Looks  at  Dick  for 
two  or  three  moments  with  an  air  of  benevolent  con- 

[88] 


MARY  GOES  FIRST 


tempt  and  a  little  shrug.]  Well,  my  dear  Dick,  so 
you've  bungled  it  again! 

Dick  [Getting  angry].  Bungled  it!  Oh,  no,  I 
haven't!  I'm  going  to  settle  this  amicably!  [Tap- 
ping the  table  emphatically  with  each  word.]  D'ye 
see?  Whether  you  like  it  or  whether  you  don't,  I'm 
going  to  settle  it  amicably!  [Again  tapping  the 
table.] 

Mary  [Serene].  Very  well,  my  dear  Dick,  settle 
it  amicably. 

Dick.  I'm  going  to!  [With  an  emphatic  nod  of 
the  head.] 

Lady  Bodsworth  enters,  followed  by  Sir  Thomas. 
She  has  discarded  her  light  wig,  and  her  hair  is  now 
plainly  brushed,  of  a  dark-brown  color,  with  a  sus- 
picion of  being  dyed.  Her  complexion  is  not  made 
up,  and  is  rather  pale  and  pasty.  The  result  is  a 
startling  change  in  her  appearance.  Dick  has  a 
little  shock,  and  turns  away  to  recover  himself. 
Felix  has  also  a  shock  which  he  conceals  as  quickly 
as  possible.  Mary  has  a  gaspy  little  chuckle,  and 
turns  to  Felix,  who  admonishes  her  into  silence  by  a 
warning  look.  Mary  immediately  controls  herself 
into  preternatural  gravity,  but  every  now  and  then 

[89] 


MARY  GOES  FIRST 


steals  a  sly  look  at  Felix  and  nudges  him  very 
slightly  with  her  elbow  to  look  at  Lady  Bodsworth. 

Felix  [Off ering  hand].  How  d'ye  do,  Lady  Bods- 
worth? [Lady  Bodsworth  takes  his  hand  coldly.] 
Do  please  be  seated. 

[Lady  Bodsworth  remains  standing.] 

Dick.     How  d'ye  do,  Lady  Bodsworth? 

Lady  B.  [Very  self-conscious,  preserving  a  stern 
dignity].     I  am  quite  well,  I  thank  you. 

Dick.  Sir  Thomas  and  I  have  made  up  our  minds 
as  old  friends  to  settle  this  amicably. 

Lady  B.  Of  course,  if  you  wish  to  apologize. 
[Looking  at  Mary.]  I  was  not  aware,  when  I  came 
up,  that  I  should  be  called  upon  to  meet 

Mary  [Looking  at  her,  nods  and  speaks  very  sweetly]. 
How  d'ye  do?  You'll  pardon  me  for  not  recognizing 
you  at  first,  now  that  you're  —  [looking  at  her]  — 
now  that  you're  not  —  not  so  blond  as  you  were. 

[Lady   Bodsworth   gathers   herself   up   with 
wrathful  dignity  and  looks  at  Sir  Thomas.] 

Sir  T.  Whichello,  if  you  wish  to  settle  this  ami- 
cably, you  had  better  request  Mrs.  Whichello  not  to 
make  any  further  remarks. 

Dick.     Ye-es.     [Looks  imploringly  at  Mary,  who 

[90] 


MARY  GOES  FIRST 


is  demure  and  determined  —  looks  at  Tadman  and 
Felix  for  support.]  Hadn't  we  better  pop  down  — 
adjourn  to  the  Club? 

Lady  B.  I  think  as  I  have  been  insulted,  I  have  a 
right  to  be  present.     [Looks  at  Sir  Thomas.] 

Sir  T.  Certainly.  Now,  Whichello,  Tadman 
and  I  are  ready  to  listen  to  what  you  propose. 

Mary.  One  moment,  Sir  Thomas.  Something 
has  just  occurred  to  me  —  I  should  like  to  consult 

Mr.   Galpin  —  please  excuse  me [She  draws 

Felix  aside,  and  is  seen  to  be  arguing  a  point;  he 
shakes  his  head  and  demurs;  she  urges  the  point  more 
strongly  —  he  still  endeavors  to  quiet  her.  Dick 
shows  great  irritation,  and  makes  signs  to  her  and 
Felix.] 

Mary  [To  Felix].  Yes!  Yes!  [To  Sir  T.] 
Please  excuse  us  a  moment.  It's  most  important. 
[  To  Felix.]    Mr.  Galpin,  please  ask  Sir  Thomas 

Felix.  We  needn't  raise  that  question  at  pres- 
ent   

Mary.  Yes.  Sir  Thomas  and  Lady  Bodsworth 
have  a  right  to  know 

Dick  [Very  much  irritated].  Galpin,  don't  let's 
mess  about  with  any  trumpery  details.  Let's  get  on 
to  the  main  point,  and  settle  it. 

[91] 


MARY  GOES  FIRST 


Mart.     My  dear  Dick,  this  is  the  main  point. 

Mr.  Galpin,  please  explain  to  Sir  Thomas 

[Felix  again  tries  to  dissuade  her  in  dumb 
show.] 

Sir  T.  Now,  Galpin,  my  time  is  precious.  What 
is  this  point  that  Mrs.  V>'hiehello  has  raised? 

Felix  [Doesn't  like  the  job].  Mrs.  Whichello  says 
that  if  this  case  should  unfortunately  come  into 
court  —  which  we  hope  may  be  avoided  —  would 
Lady  Bodsworth  appear  before  the  jury  as  she  is  now, 

or  as  she  appeared  on  the  night 

[Lady  Bodsworth   utters  an   indignant  ex- 
clamation and  looks  at  Sir  Thomas.] 

Mary.  It  wouldn't  be  fair  not  to  give  the  jury  an 
opportunity  of  judging 

Sir  T.  [Expands  and  explodes].  Really  —  upon 
my  word  —  I  have  never  —  Tadman,  it's  useless  for 
us  to  remain  any  longer.     Fanny!     [Prepares  to  go.] 

Dick  [Stopping  him].  No,  Bodsworth,  no! 
There's  no  need  to  get  in  a  temper!  You  and  I  are 
sensible  men!     Let's  talk  it  over  quietly,  as  sensible 

men!     Tadman,  explain  to  Sir  Thomas [He 

urges  Tadman  to  mollify  Sir  Thomas.  Tadman  goes 
to  Sir  Thomas  and  Lady  Bodsworth,  and  is  seen  to 
be  soothing  them.     Dick  goes  to  Felix  and  Mary,  and 

[92] 


-MARY  GOES  FIRST 


is  seen  to  be  arguing  with  Mary,  and  begging  her  to 
keep  quiet.  The  two  groups  hold  a  little  conference 
apart  from  each  other,  and  are  seen  to  be  talking  it  over.] 

Tadman.  Now,  Whichello,  Sir  Thomas  will  hear 
what  you  propose 

Sir  T.     Without  prejudice. 

Dick.  Well,  first  of  all,  I  should  be  disposed  to 
give  in  to  Sir  Thomas  over  the  tramways 

Sir  T.     A  very  sensible  determination. 

Dick  [Irritated  by  SirT.'s  tone].  You  think  so? 
Well,  I  don't.  Still,  to  avoid  a  row  here,  and  a  row 
on  the  Council 

Sir  T.  There  need  be  no  row  if  you  stick  to  your 
principles,  Whichello,  instead  of  playing  into  the 
hands  of  the  Liberal  Party. 

Dick  [Getting  a  little  angry].  Playing  into  the 
hands  of  the  Liberal  Party? 

Sir  T.  As  you  have  been  doing  for  the  last  six 
months. 

Dick.  Good  heavens !  The  town  wants  the  tram- 
ways badly  enough 

Tadman.  Better  leave  that  question,  Whichello. 
You  wish  to  settle  this  matter  amicably. 

Dick  [Grudgingly].  Well,  I'll  give  in  over  the 
tramways.     And  I'll  give  in  over  the  cemetery  and 

[93] 


MARY  GOES  FIRST 


the  crematorium.  And  I  call  that  a  very  handsome 
offer.  Especially  as  the  old  churchyard  is  only  a 
quarter  of  a  mile  above  my  factory,  and  a  precious 
damp  hole  into  the  bargain. 

Sir  T.  I  must  ask  you  not  to  speak  disrespect- 
fully of  the  hallowed  spot  where  I  intend  to  be 
buried.  * 

Mary.  Dick,  you  ought  not  to  object  to  Sir 
Thomas  getting  buried  where  he  likes. 

Dick  [Turns  round  on  her  savagely].  Will  you 
please  keep  quiet.  He  may  get  buried  whenever 
and  wherever  he  pleases  —  for  all  I  care.  It's  a 
mouldy,  unwholesome  bog,  and  it  ought  to  be  shut 
up.  But  rather  than  keep  on  having  these  perpetual 
rows  over  it,  I'm  willing  to  drop  the  new  cemetery. 

Mary.     May  I  ask  a  question? 

Dick  [Fiercely].  No!  For  heaven's  sake  be 
quiet  for  five  minutes,  and  let's  get  this  settled. 

Mary.  But,  my  dear  Dick,  if  we  don't  have  a 
new  cemetery,  where  are  all  the  patients  from  Sir 
Thomas's  sanatorium  to  be  buried? 

[Sir  Thomas   and  Lady  Bodsworth    show 
great  anger.     T adman  quiets  them  down.] 

Dick  [Has  turned  fiercely  on  Mary].  Will  you 
please  hold  your  tongue?     You've  got  me  into  this 

[94] 


MARY  GOES  FIRST 


confounded  muddle,  and  now  you  —  [sees  Felix, 
who  has  been  standing  quiet  and  impassive,  turns  sav- 
agely on  him]  —  Galpin,  are  you  acting  for  me  in  this 
matter,  or  are  you  not? 

Felix.     Yes 

Dick.  Well,  what  are  you  standing  there  for? 
Why  on  earth  don't  you  back  me  up,  and  help  me 
get  this  settled? 

Fellx.     If  you'll  give  me  your  instructions 

Dick.  I  have  given  you  my  instructions.  Good 
heavens!  If  you're  going  to  act  for  me,  act  for  me, 
and  don't  stand  there  with  your  hands  in  your  pock- 
ets!    Act  for  me! 

Felix.  Tadman,  Mr.  Whichello  has  made  very 
liberal  concessions  over  the  tramways  and  the  ceme- 
tery.   I  hope  Sir  Thomas  considers  them  satisfactory. 

Sir  T.     Quite  satisfactory,  so  far  as  they  go. 
[Dick  gives  an  unconciliatory  growl.] 

Felix.  In  return  for  these  concessions,  Mr. 
Whichello  expects  certain  concessions  on  your  side 
—  which  he  will  now  formulate.     [Looking  at  Dick.] 

Tadman.     Now,  Whichello 

Dick.  Well,  of  course  you'll  agree  to  drop  the 
lawsuit,  and  draw  in  over  the  apology;  and  I  think 
Sir  Thomas  might  let  us  have  the  slope  under  the 

[95] 


MARY  GOES  FIRST 


sanatorium  grounds  for  the  golf  club  —  at  a  valua- 
tion. 

Sir  T.  Quite  impossible.  I  consider  that  Eng- 
lishmen waste  far  too  much  time  on  golf 

Dick.  Oh,  you  do?  I  suppose  I'm  the  best  judge 
of  how  I  waste  my  time. 

SirT.  Certainly.  But  if  you  were  jnore  often  in 
your  place  on  the  Town  Council,  supporting  me 

Dick.     Supporting  you? 

Sir  T.  Instead  of  playing  into  the  hands  of  the 
Liberal  Party  when  you  do  come 

Dick   [Thoroughly  roused].     When  I  do  come  I'm 

going  to  vote  for  what  I  think  right  and  proper,  and 

I'm  going  to  support  just  whom  I  jolly  well  please! 

[Walking  about,  comes  toward  Mary. 

Mary  [In  a  low  tone  to  Dick].  He's  walking  over 
you! 

Dick.  Support  you?  Good  Lord,  you  walk 
about  like  a  little  tin  god,  and  you  think  you've  got 
the  town  in  your  pocket!  Support  you?  I'll  let 
you  see  that  you're  not  going  to  boss  everybody  and 
everything  any  longer!  Warkinstall  doesn't  belong 
to  you,  does  it?  Support  you?  I'm  going  to  sup- 
port the  tramways,  and  I'm  going  to  support  the  new 
cemetery;   so  if  you  mean  to  be  buried  in  that  hole 

[96] 


MARY  GOES  FIRST 


you'll  have  to  look  sharp  about  it,   or  we  shall  cre- 
mate you  before  you  know  you're  dead ! 

Sir  T.  Very  well.  At  the  next  meeting  of  the 
Conservative  Association,  I  shall  move  that  you  are 
called  upon  to  explain  your  action,  or  resign. 

Dick.  Resign?  I  do  resign!  I  have  resigned! 
Play  into  the  hands  of  the  Liberal  Party?  By  Jove, 
I  will!  Galpin,  will  you  see  Borrodaile  and  the  rest 
of  them  on  my  behalf,  and  say  that  if  they  consider 
me  a  suitable  candidate,  I  shall  be  pleased  to  fight 
the  town  at  the  next  election  on  Liberal  principles! 
And  a  jolly  stiff  fight  I  shall  put  up,  I  assure  you! 

Sir  T.  Tadman,  we  needn't  wait  any  longer  — 
Fanny ! 

Lady  B.  There's  nothing  been  said  about  the 
apology. 

Sir  T.  We  shall  not  accept  an  apology.  Tadman, 
you  will  issue  the  writ  at  once.  My  wife  an  impro- 
priety? We  will  see  what  a  British  jury  says  to 
that! 

Dick  [Fiercely].     We  will  see! 

Mary  [Serenely].     We  will  see! 

Sir  T.     Good  afternoon,  Galpin.    [Bows  to  Mary.] 

Felix.  Good  afternoon,  Sir  Thomas.  [Rings 
bell.] 

[97] 


MARY  GOES  FIRST 


Tadman.  Good  day,  Galpin.  Good  day,  Which- 
ello.  [Dick  nods  curtly.]  Good  afternoon,  Mrs. 
Whicliello. 

Mary.  Oh,  Mr.  Tadman,  one  moment.  [Appeals 
to  Felix.]     Mr.   Galpin,   we  shall   have  a  right  to 

demand  that  the  jury  see  the  original  coiffure 

[Glancing  at  Lady  Bodswortii,  who  utters  a  little 
shriek,  and  makes  a  hurried  exit.  Sir  Thomas  glares 
at  Mary,  and  exits  after  Lady  Bodsworth.] 

Felix.  Certainly;  I'm  afraid,  Tadman,  our  coun- 
sel will  have  to  press  Lady  Bodsworth  to  oblige  us 
on  that  point. 

Tadman.     Oh,  very  well.     Good  day.  [Exit. 

[Dick  has  seated  himself,  and  has  grown  much 
calmer.] 

Mary  [Enthusiastically].  Well,  my  dear  Dick,  I 
do  congratulate  you !  [Kissing  him  heartily.]  You've 
come  to  your  senses  at  last ! 

Dick.     Oh,  Fm  in  for  it  now. 

Mary.  Yes.  [Excitedly.]  Now,  we  mustn't 
waste  any  time.  Mr.  Galpin,  you'll  be  our  election 
agent  

Felix.     Delighted! 

Mary.  Write  to  Mr.  Harvey  Betts,  and  ask  him 
to  come  down  for  the  first  week-end  he  can  spare. 

[98] 


MARY  GOES  FIRST 


Felix.     Right. 

Mary.     Dick,  you  must  join  the  Liberal  Club 

Dick.     Yes,  of  course.     I'm  in  for  it  now. 
Mary.     You'd   better   give   them   some   weekly 

political  addresses 

Dick.     Good  Lord,  what  about? 


Don't  you  worry.     I'll  write  out  your  ad- 
Who's  the  best  counsel  we  can  get  for  the 


Felix 
dresses. 

Mary 
lawsuit? 

Felix.  Clapperton.  He'll  chaff  Lady  Bods- 
worth  into  a  fit,  and  chaff  the  whole  case  out  of 
Court. 

Mary.  Wire  and  retain  him.  [Felix  sits  down 
and  hurriedly  ivrites  a  telegram.]  Look  cheerful, 
Dick! 

Dick  [Getting  very  gloomy].  Oh,  I'm  in  for  it  now, 
and  I'm  going  to  see  it  through. 

Mary.  Of  course  you  are.  Ella  shall  drop  in  on 
Mrs.  Bratwick,  and  mention  that  we're  determined 
to  have  Lady  Bodsworth  in  full  fig  at  the  trial.  Mrs. 
Bratwick  will  take  it  to  the  impropriety,  and  then — 
What's  the  matter,  Dick? 

Dick.     Nothing — nothing.    I'm  thinking  it  over. 

Mary.     Well,  look  cheerful. 

[99] 


MARY  GOES  FIRST 


Felix  [Having  written  telegram].  Yes,  buck  up, 
Whichello  —  we'll  see  you  through. 

Dick.  Oh,  I'm  in  for  it  now  —  and  I'm  not  going 
to  draw  back. 

Mary.     Draw  back? 

Dick.     I  say  I  shan't. 

Mary.  I  should  think  not!  [Having  glanced  at 
telegram  which  Felix  has  held  out  before  her.]  Yes  — 
send  it  off  at  once.  [Felix  rings  bell.]  And  please 
hunt  up  all  about  Dick's  pedigree  and  his  claims  to 
the  Whichello  baronetcy. 

Dick.     Baronetcy? 

Mary.  Yes.  Look  cheerful!  Look  cheerful! 
Look  cheerful,  Sir  Richard! 


Curtain 


[100] 


ACT  III 

Three  weeks  pass  between  Acts  II  and  III 


ACT  III 

Scene:  The  Same.  About  ten  in  the  morning.  The 
room  much  as  in  the  last  act. 

Discover  Felix  and  Harvey  Betts,  each  with  a  local 
paper  in  his  hand.  Harvey  Betts  is  an  alert, 
smart,  youthful-looking  aristocrat  of  thirty-five,  with 
very  bright,  easy-going  manners,  and  dressed  in  the 
very  latest  fashion. 

Felix.  Hillo,  Harvey  —  they're  tickling  you  — 
[Reads  from  his  paper.]  "Great  interest  attaches  to 
the  visit  to  our  ancient  borough  of  Mr.  Harvey  Betts, 
the  brilliant  young  statesman,  who  has  recently  been 
appointed  one  of  the  whips  of  the  Liberal  Party. 
His  presence  amongst  us  sets  the  Government  seal 
of  approval  upon  our  esteemed  fellow-townsman, 
Mr.  Richard  Wichello,  as  Liberal  Candidate  at  the 
next  general  election."  What  does  the  Tory  rag 
say? 

Betts  [Reading].     " The  desperate  straits  to  which 

[103] 


MARY  GOES  FIRST 


the  Liberal  Party  is  reduced  in  Warkinstall  may  be 
inferred  from  the  fact  that  the  blustering  and  blun- 
dering ratters,  Whichello  and  Galpin  —  [digging 
Felix]  the  blustering  and  blundering  ratters  — 
have  been  obliged  to  summon  to  their  aid  the  pre- 
posterous dandy  who  has  recently  been  pichforked 
on  to  the  Treasury  Bench  as  Junior  Whip.  We  shall 
see  what  the  hard-headed,  sturdy,  common-sen-c 
workingmen  of  Warkinstall  have  to  say  to  this 
egregious  'nut'  without  any  kernel." 

Felix  [Reading],  'The  chairman,  Mr.  Bloxam 
Borrodaile,  opened  the  meeting  with  a  magnificent 
display  of  Boanerges  eloquence  which  somewhat 
overshadowed  the  cautious  and  modest  oratorical 
effort  made  by  Mr.  Whichello.  Mr.  Harvey  Betts 
then  followed  with  a  lively  attack  upon  the  whole 
Tory  position,  which  was  left  a  crumbled  mass  of 
ruins.  No  less  damaging  was  the  vigorous  onslaught 
made  by  Mr.  Felix  Galpin,  who  is  rapidly  becoming 
one  of  the  rising  hopes  of  the  Liberal  Party  in  War- 
kinstall. But  the  loudest  cheers  of  the  evening  were 
reserved  for  our  own  Mary,  as  all  true  Liberals  de- 
light to  call  her.  In  a  few7  terse  and  witty  remarks 
she  indicated  some  local  Tory  leaders,  who  would 
have  the  first  claim  to  be  accommodated  in  the  new 

[104] 


MARY  GOES  FIRST 


cemetery  and  crematorium  which  Mr.  Whichello  is 
presenting  to  Hie  town." 

Betts  [Reading].  "After  the  pitiable  exhibition 
of  his  muddle-headed  views  which  the  turncoat 
Whichello  made  last  evening,  every  self-respecting 
Conservative  must  rejoice  that  this  incapable  and 
incoherent  wobbler  has  left  the  honest  party. 
Straightforward,  clear-sighted  patriots  will  no  longer 
have  occasion  to  blush  for  this  maundering  rene- 
gade." I  say,  old  man,  you  wrote  me  Whichello  was 
a  jolly  good  candidate 

Felix.  So  he  is.  He  has  got  six  hundred  work- 
men.    What's  the  matter  with  him? 

Betts.  He's  the  rankest  duffer  of  a  mugwump  I 
ever  met.  He's  shaky  on  Free  Trade;  he's  shaky  on 
Home  Rule;  he's  shaky  on  Universal  Suffrage;  he's 
shaky  on  the  whole  bally  bag  of  tricks. 

Felix.  He  has  just  ratted  from  the  Tories,  you 
know. 

Betts.  Well,  when  a  man  rats,  let  him  rat,  and 
make  no  bones  about  it.  Now  I  call  you  a  good 
ratter. 

Feltx.  No  mistake  about  me,  eh?  Rising  hope 
of  the  Warkinstall  Liberals  —  eh?  [Pointing  en- 
thusiastically to  himself.] 

[105] 


MARY  GOES  FIRST 


Betts.  You're  all  right.  But  what  a  ghastly 
mess  Whichello  made  last  night. 

Felix.     He  was  pretty  awful. 

Betts.     I  thought  you  had  him  in  tow 

Felix.  I  wrote  out  his  speech  and  coached  him 
all  yesterday  afternoon.  Then  he  never  spoke  a 
word  of  it. 

Betts.  Tell  you  what,  old  man,  we  shall  have  to 
put  some  ginger  into  Whichello,  or  we  shall  come  a 
howling  cropper. 

Felix.  Oh,  he'll  be  right  enough.  You  let  Mrs. 
Whichello  know  where  you  want  to  find  Whichello, 
and  she'll  take  care  he's  on  the  spot. 

Betts.  I  wish  we  could  run  her.  I'm  in  love 
with  our  own  Mary.  If  it  weren't  for  our  own  Mary 
I  should  drop  Whichello  like  a  hot  potato.  [Drop- 
ping his  voice]  I  say,  old  man,  she  keeps  on  digging 
at  me  for  a  baronetcy. 

Felix.     You'll  be  able  to  manage  it? 

Betts  [Shakes  his  head].  It  rests  with  the 
Chief.  We've  been  chucking  about  a  lot  of 
peerages  and  baronetcies  lately.  What's  this 
old  Whichello  baronetcy  she  keeps  on  bringing 
up?  [Fellx  gives  a  shrug  and  grimace.]  Nothing 
in  it  —  eh? 

[106] 


MARY  GOES  FIRST 


Felix.  Oh,  there  was  one;  and  she  says  Which- 
ello  is  the  heir. 

Betts  [Cunningly.]  I  suppose  he'll  plank  clown  a 
pretty  big  lump  for  the  Party  war-chest? 

Felix.     Oh,  yes.     He's  pretty  warm. 

Betts.  The  question  is,  how  much  will  he  stand? 
I  must  have  a  chat  with  him. 

Felix.  I  wouldn't.  Take  my  tip.  Settle  the 
tariff  with  her,  and  leave  her  to  bring  Whichello  to 
the  scratch.     [With  a  little  wink  at  Betts.] 

Betts.  Right.  Whichello  will  be  here  di- 
rectly       [Taking  out  his  icatch.] 

Felix.  You're  taking  him  on  to  meet  Ben 
Chorley? 

Betts.  Yes,  the  Socialists  mean  to  be  nasty. 
Chorley  talks  about  running  himself. 

Felix.     He  stands  no  earthly  chance. 

Betts.  No,  but  he  can  queer  us.  You  may  as 
well  come  on  with  us  and  see  Chorley. 

Fellx.     Better  not. 

Betts.     Why  not? 

Fellx.  I've  been  going  about  saying  that  the 
Liberal  Party  is  the  only  bulwark  against  Socialism. 

Betts.     What  on  earth  made  you  say  a  damned 

silly  thing  like  that? 

[107] 


MARY  GOES  FIRST 


Felix.  I  had  to  say  it.  Socialism  is  a  red  rag  to 
Borrodaile.  You'd  better  not  get  in  too  deep  with 
Chorley. 

Betts.  My  boy,  we've  go1  to  win  the  seat, 
haven't  we?     You'll  have  to  hedge  over  Socialism. 

Felix.     We  must  keep  in  with  Borrodaile 

Betts.     We  must  muzzle  Chorley. 

Felix.  Very  well.  You  tackle  Chorley,  and  I'll 
butter  Borrodaile. 

Betts.  Right!  Borrodaile. yourpal— Chorley, mine. 

Enter  Darin,  showing  in  Mary.     Exit  Dakin. 

Mary  [To  Fi.i  ex,  shaking  hands].  Good  morn- 
ing.  [To  Betts.]  Good  morning,  Mr.  Betts. 
[Shaking  hands.] 

Betts.     Good  morning. 

Mary.  My  husband  will  be  here  in  a  moment.  I 
must  speak  to  you  before  he  comes  —  no,  don't  go, 
Mr.  Galpin  —  it's  about  the  baronetcy 

Betts.  Yes,  but  you  know  I'm  only  an  under- 
strapper. I'm  the  little  boy  who  blows  the  organ. 
The  Chief  plays  the  tune.  iVnd  the  Chief  is  very 
touchy  about  the  way  these  things  are  done.  We've 
got  to  put  on  our  moral  frock  coats  and  top  hats, 
and  avoid  scandals. 

[108] 


MARY  GOES  FIRST 


Maky.     But  couldn't  you  give  me  some  idea 
Betts.     Of  what? 


Mary.     Of  how  much  it  costs  —  for  a  baronetcy. 

Betts.  Costs?  The  Chief's  hair  would  turn 
white  at  the  bare  idea  of  any  traffic  in  honors.  There 
must  be  no  bargain.  But  if  Whichello  wins  the  seat 
for,us —  and  comes  down  handsomely  for  the  Party 
funds 

Mary.     Yes 


Betts.  The  Chief  is  too  good  a  chap  to  let  his 
patriotism  go  unrewarded. 

Maky.  But  you  must  remember  that  we  already 
have  a  baronetcy  in  the  Whichello  family. 

Betts.  Just  now  I  don't  fancy  that  would  appeal 
so  much  to  the  Chief  as  hard  cash.     And  if  I  could 

mention  a  tidy  good  round  figure [Watching 

her  closely.] 

Mary.  Oh.  that  will  be  all  right.  Quite  all  right. 
But  Dick  has  got  one  of  his  stingy  fits  on.  And  he's 
in  a  very  bad  temper  this  morning.  He's  going  to 
question  you  about  the  exact  amount.  You  will  give 
him  some  quite  low  estimate,  so  as  not  to  upset  him 
prematurely? 

Betts.     But  suppose  he  nails  me  to  it  afterwards? 

Mary.     Oh,  he  won't,  will  he,  Mr.  Galpin? 

[109] 


MARY  GOES  FIRST 


Felix.  I  don't  think  Whichello  is  going  to  have 
much  say  in  the  matter. 

Mary.     Not  when  it  comes  to  the  crisis.     You 

will  mention  quite  a  low  figure [Betts  demurs  y 

and  half  shakes  his  head.]  Dear  Mr.  Betts,  you  must 
allow  me  to  know  him  -  Dick's  the  best  husband  in 
the  world,  but  in  money  matters  he*  always  needs 
a  —  a  —  jumping  board,  before  he  takes  the 
plunge. 

Betts.  You're  sure  he'll  jump  when  the  time 
comes? 

Mart.     Oh,  yes;  won't  he,  Mr.  Galpin? 

Felix.  Like  an  antelope.  I've  seen  him  do 
it. 

Betts.  Well,  I'll  put  the  matter  before  the  Chief 
when  I  get  back.  I'm  afraid  a  baronetcy  may  be 
doubtful.  But  the  Chief  might  mention  Whichello 
for  a  knighthood 

Mary  [Offended].  Knighthood?  They  give  knight- 
hoods to  persons  like  the  Bodsworths,  and  railway 
directors,  and  actors,  and  all  sorts  of  people.  We 
couldn't  think  of  a  knighthood. 

Betts.  Well,  we've  got  to  win  the  seat  first. 
Then  we  can  talk  about  the  trimmings. 

Mary.     And  you  will  give  Dick  quite  a  low  tern- 

[110] 


MARY  GOES  FIRST 


porary  estimate  as  a  jumping  board?       [Betts  looks 
doubtful.]     He  will  jump  when  the  time  comes. 
Betts.     All  right.     Rely  on  me. 

Enter  Dakin,  showing   in  Dick  with  paper  in  his 
pocket.     Enter  Dick.     Exit  Dakin. 

Dick  [To  Betts].     Good  morning. 

Betts  [Shaking  hands].     Good  morning. 

Dick.     How  are  you,  Galpin? 

Felix.     First  rate. 

Dick  [In  a  state  oj  great  irritation,  pulling  ont 
paper].  I  say,  I  didn't  go  and  make  such  a  dodder- 
ing ass  of  myself  last  night,  did  I?  [They  are  silent.] 
Did  I,  Galpin? 

Felix.  Youweren'tquite  inyourbest  fighting  form. 

Dick.  No.  Your  speech  went  clean  out  of  my 
head.  But  I  got  on  very  well,  didn't  I?  [They  are 
silent.]  Anyway,  I  pulled  up  towards  the  end? 
Didn't  I?  Well,  at  any  rate,  I  didn't  make  such  a 
blathering  idiot  of  myself  as  all  this  —  [pointing  to 
paper]  —  did  I? 

IVLary  [Trying  to  take  the  paper  away  from  him]. 
You  got  on  very  well,  indeed.     I  felt  quite  proud  of 


you 


Dick  [Keeping  the  paper].     I   don't   want   your 

[111] 


MARY  GOES  FIRST 


opinion.  You've  done  nothing  but  egg  me  on  from 
the  first.  What  I  want  to  know  is  this  —  did  I 
make  a  silly  jackass  fool  of  myself  last  night,  or  did 
I  not?  I  know  jolly  well  I  didn't.  [Throwing  away 
the  paper  contemptuously.]  And  I  tell  you  this  — 
I'm  fed  up  with  the  whole  business  and  the  whole 
gang.  Now,  Mr.  Betts,  before  yon  go  any  further 
I  want  to  know  what  this  is  going  to  cost? 

Betts.     Hadn't  we  better  postpone  that? 

Dick.  No.  I'm  not  going  to  land  myself  in  deuce 
knows  what  expense  just  for  the  pleasure  of  seeing 
B-a-r-t.  stuck  after  my  name.  [To  Betts.]  So  if 
you  please,  you  and  I  will  have  two  minutes  in 
private.     Galpin,  can  we  step  in  there? 

Felix.     Certainly. 

Dick  [Turning  to  Mary].  And  you  kindly  keep 
out  of  this.     If  I  am  going  to  be  fleeced,  I'll  know 

how  much.     Now  Mr.  Betts 

[Betts  and  Mary  exchange  a  cheerful  look  of 
iniderstanding  as  Dick  goes  up  to  curtains. 
Exeunt  Betts  and  Dick  through  curtains.] 

Mary  [Watching  them  off].  That's  all  right.  I 
shall  have  all  the  summer  to  get  Dick  to  take  the 
plunge.  Is  there  anything  more  from  the  Herald's 
College? 

[112] 


MARY  GOES  FIRST 


Felix.  No.  They're  quite  positive  that  your 
husband's  family  has  no  connection  with  the  Kella- 
ton  Whichellos. 

Mary.     They  haven't  gone  far  enough  back. 

Felix.     They've  gone  back  to  the  Civil  War. 

Mary.  They  must  go  back  to  the  Conquest. 
I  think  I'll  go  up  to  London  and  see  them  my- 
self   

Felix.     Yes,  I  would. 

Mary.     Who's  the  right  man  to  get  hold  of? 

Felix.  There's  the  Earl  Marshal,  three  Kings  at 
Arms,  six  Heralds,  and  four  Pursuivants 

Mary.     What  do  the  Pursuivants  do? 

Felix.  Oh,  I  suppose  they  hang  about,  and  pur- 
sue anybody  who  sports  a  wrong  coat-of-arms. 

Mary.  1*11  get  to  know  them.  I  might  ask  the 
Garter  King  at  Arms  and  the  Heralds  to  dinner 

Felix  [Has  a  shock  of  surprise,  shrugs  his  shoulders 
dubiously].  Yes.  Well,  the  Garter  King  at  Arms  is 
your  pal.  But  before  you  tackle  him,  what  are  you 
going  to  do  about  the  Bodsworth  lawsuit? 

Mary.  Do?  Nothing.  Mr.  Tad  man  hasn't  served 
the  writ  yet? 

Fellx.     Not  on  me.     You've  heard  nothing? 

Mary.     No.     I  don't  believe  they'll  go  on  with  it. 

.[113] 


MARY  GOES  FIRST 


Ella  shall  call  on  Mrs.  Bratwick  and  find  out  what's 
going  on  at  the  Bodsworths'. 

Felix.  You're  sure  you  can  trust  Mrs.  Brat- 
wick? 

Mart.     Oh,  yes.     I'm  her  bosom  friend. 

Felix.  I  thought  Lady  Bodsworth  was  Mrs. 
Bratwick's  bosom  friend? 

Mary.  Yes,  so  she  is.  I'm  her  bosom  friend, 
too.  Ella  is  Mrs.  Bratwick's  extra  special  bosom 
friend.  She  tells  Ella  everything.  'The  impro- 
priety" is  raging  like  the  heathen  about  the  para- 
graphs in  the  Mercury.  Have  you  seen  it  this 
morning? 

Felix.  Not  that  column.  [Picks  up  the  Liberal 
paper.]  "Warkinstall  Society  and  Fashionable  Gos- 
sip. 

Mary.  What  a  dear  young  fellow  that  is  on  the 
Mercury  —  so  sympathetic. 

Felix  [Reading].  "We  understand  that  bright 
golden  hair  in  large  puffs  will  shortly  become  fashion- 
able again,  and  will  be  extensively  worn  at  the  forth- 
coming assizes " 

Mary  [Continuing].  "We  trust,  however,  that 
this  attractive  coiffure  will  not  be  carried  to  the 
point  of  impropriety"  —  Shush! 

[114] 


MARY  GOES  FIRST 


[The  curtains  are  pushed  aside,   and  Dick's 
voice  is  heard.] 
Dick  [Within    the    curtains}.     Very    well,    then; 
that's  clearly  understood  between  us. 

Mary.  Don't  show  it  to  Dick.  He's  got  enough 
to  bear  this  morning,  poor  dear! 

Dick  and  Betts  enter  through  curtains. 

Betts  [To  Dick].  Of  course  you've  got  to  win 
the  seat  first.  Then  I'll  talk  to  the  Chief,  and  tell 
him  you  are  anxious  lo  replenish  the  Party  war- 
chest  

Dick.  I'm  not  so  anxious  as  all  that.  I've  told 
you  my  figure,  and  —  [nodding  very  emphatically  at 
Mary]  —  I'm  not  going  to  be  rushed  for  a  penny  more. 

Mary  [Serenely].  I'm  so  glad  it's  all  arranged. 
You  shall  tell  me  all  about  it  when  we  get  home. 

Dick.  I  don't  know  that  I  shall.  For  once  in  a 
way  I'm  going  to  manage  my  own  affairs. 

Betts  [Taking  out  watch].  We  must  be  getting  on 
to  Chorley. 

Dick  [Plaintively].  I  haven't  got  to  kow-tow  to 
Ben  Chorley,  have  I? 

Betts.  We  shall  have  to  skip  gently  round  the 
minimum  wage. 

[115] 


MARY  GOES  FIRST 


Dick.  Well,  you  skip  gently  round  the  minimum 
wage,  and  I'll  skip  gently  round  to  the  Golf  Club. 
I've  promised  to  meet  Monkhouse  at  the  station  at 
eleven,  and  have  a  round  on  the  Dunningtree  course 
before  lunch.  I  shall  give  Mr.  Ben  Chorley  just  ten 
minutes,  no  more. 

Enter  Da  kin. 

Dakix  [To  Dick].  Mr.  Borrodaile  is  on  the  tele- 
phone, sir.  He  rang  up  at  your  house,  and  they  told 
him  you  were  here. 

Dick  [Disgusted].  What  the  nuisance  is  Boan- 
erges rampaging  about  now? 

Dakin.  He  says  he  must  see  you  this  morning, 
sir. 

Dick.     Tell  him  to [Bursts  out.]      I'm  not 

going  to  voice  any  more  burning  questions.  I've 
been  voicing  burning  questions  for  the  last  fort- 
night. 

Felix  [Looking  upfront  the  paper  which  he  has  been 
studying].  I  expect  it's  about  last  night's  meeting. 
He  rang  me  up  an  hour  ago. 

Dick.     What  did  he  say? 

Fellx.  He  said  you'd  have  to  buckle  on  your 
armor,  and  gird  up  your  loins. 

[116] 


MARY  GOES  FIRST 


Dick.  Gird  up  my  loins?  Tell  him  to  gird  up 
his  own  loins  ■ —  with  that  fat  stomach  of  his. 

Felix.  You'd  better  see  him.  He's  got  a  very 
sore  head. 

Dick.     Oh,  well,  you  poultice  it. 

Mary.  We'll  ask  him  and  Mrs.  Borrodaile  to 
dinner. 

Dick.  No,  we  will  not  ask  them  to  dinner.  Tea's 
their  meal  in  my  house.     And  I  shan't  be  at  home. 

Darin  [Listening  off].  I  fancy  Mr.  Borrodaile's 
ringing  up  again. 

Felix.  He  won't  be  happy  till  he  has  heckled 
you. 

Dick  [Taking  out  watch].  I  shall  give  Boanerges 
Bloxam  Borrodaile,  D.D.,  five  minutes;  and  I  shall 
take  it  out  of  Ben  Chorley's  ten.  Five  minutes  Chor- 
ley,  five  minutes  Borrodaile.  And  then  I'm  off  to 
golf.  Now,  Mr.  Betts.  [Comes  up  against  the  Tory 
paper,  snatches  it  up  angrily.]  And  there's  this 
blackguard   leading    article  —  I    know    jolly  well   I 

never  made  such  an  ass  of  myself  —  I 

[Goes  off  muttering.     Exit  Dick. 

Betts.  If  he  keeps  on  jibbing  at  everything  like 
this,  we're  dead  certain  to  lose  the  seat. 

[Exit  after  Dick. 
[117] 


MARY  GOES  FIRST 


Felix  [Has  been  looking  gravely  at  the  Mercury]. 
I  say,  don't  you  think  you'd  better  stop  this? 

Mary.  Stop  my  fashionable  gossip?  [Takes  out 
a  little  slip  of  paper  front  her  bag.]  Listen  to  what 
I've  got  for  to-morrow.  [Reads.]  "Ladies  of  a  cer- 
tain age  who  have  too  freely  indulged  in  cosmetics 
should  not  discontinue  the  practice  too  suddenly.  A 
magenta  complexion,  even  if  it  is  unseemly,  may  be 
less  painful  than  a  pasty  'au  naturel.' 

Felix.  Yes,  that's  very  good  fun  —  if  it  only 
frightens  Lady  Bodsworth  from  going  into  Court. 
Hut  suppose  it  doesn't?  And  suppose  we  get  the 
wrong  judge,  and  suppose  it  comes  out  that  you've 
inspired  these  paragraphs? 

Mart.     What  then? 

Felix.  Well,  then  it  won't  be  very  good  fun  at 
all. 

Enter  Dakin. 

Dakin.  Mr.  Tadman's  clerk  is  here,  sir,  and  he 
wishes  to  see  Mrs.  Whichello. 

Mary.     See  me?     What  for? 

Dakin.     He  didn't  mention  his  business,  ma'am. 

They  sent  him  on  from  your  house.     If  you're  busy 

he  says  he'll  wait. 

[118] 


MARY  GOES  FIRST 


Felix.     Send  him  up,  Dakin.  [Exit  Dakin. 

Mary.  Why  does  Mr.  Tadman  send  his  clerk  to 
me? 

Felix.     Looks  like  a  writ. 

Mary.  Then  they  are  going  on!  And  Mrs. 
Bratwick  told  Ella  that  Lady  Bodsworth  wanted  to 
throw  up  the  sponge  and  go  abroad. 

Dakin  shows  in  Tadman  's  clerk.     Exit  Dakin. 

Clerk  [Bows  to  Mary,  draivs  two  sheets  of  paper 
from  his  pocket,  goes  to  her,  hands  her  one}.  Mrs. 
AVhichello,  I  have  to  hand  you  this  document  which 
is  a  writ  for  slander  brought  on  behalf  of  Lady  Bods- 
worth. [Mary  looks  at  Felix  and  reluctantly  takes 
it.]  Here  is  the  original  if  you  wish  to  see  it? 
[Holding  it  out.} 

Felix.     That's  all  right,  Pollard. 

Clerk.     Good  morning,  ma'am. 

[Bows  to  Felix.     Exit. 

Mary  [Reading,  slurring  the  earlier  words].  "High 
Court  of  Justice  .  .  .  Grace  of  God,  United 
Kingdom  of  Great  Britain  and  Ireland.  British  Do- 
minions beyond  the  Seas  .  .  .  Defender  of  the 
Faith  ...  to  Mary  Sebright  Whichello  of  the 
Cedars,     St.     John's     Hill,     Warkinstall      . 

[119] 


MARY  GOES  FIRST 


County  of  We  command  you,  that  within 

eight  days  after  the  service  of  this  writ  on  you,  you 

do  cause  an  appearance  to  be  entered  for  you " 

[Looking  at  Felix.] 

Felix.  That  isn't  the  sort  of  command  you 
want. 

Mary.     "In   an   action   at   the   suit   of   Frances 

Louisa,  wife  of  Sir  Thomas  Bodsworth,  Knight " 

We  shall  have  to  go  on  now 

Felix.  If  you  do,  that  knocks  your  baronetcy  on 
the  head. 

Mary.     You  think  it  does? 

Felix.  If  you  want  to  get  a  baronetcy  you 
mustn't  be  the  defendant  in  a  risky  slander  suit. 
That's  pretty  plain,  isn't  it? 

Mary.     But  how  can  I  help  it? 

Felix.  There's  only  one  way.  We  shall  have  to 
back  out  and  apologize. 

Mary.     Apologize?     Never! 

Felix.     Then  bang  goes  the  baronetcy. 

Mary  [Takes  a  desperate  turn,  looks  again  at  the 
ivrit],  "And  take  notice  that  in  default  of  your  so 
doing,  the  Plaintiff  may  proceed  therein,  and  judg- 
ment may  be  given  in  your  absence.  Witness,  Rich- 
ard Burdon,  Viscount  Haldane  of  Cloan,  Lord  High 

[120] 


MARY  GOES  FIRST 


Chancellor  of  Great  Britain "     There  must  be 

some  way  out  of  it. 

Felix.     I  don't  see  any. 

Mary.  Give  up  the  baronetcy?  Go  in  after  that 
woman  all  my  life?     It's  impossible. 

Felix.  You  can  have  the  baronetcy,  or  you  can 
have  the  lawsuit;  but  you  can't  have  both.  We 
must  chuck  the  lawsuit.  If  we  lose  it,  where  are  we? 
We  shall  all  be  discredited  —  Whichello  for  the  seat, 
you  for  the  title,  and  I  get  a  bad  kick,  both  as  lawyer 
and  election  agent.     We  must  draw  out. 

Mary.     What  had  I  better  do? 

Felix.  I'll  run  up  against  Tadman,  and  find  out 
if  they'll  agree  to  a  mild  apology. 

Mary.  I  won't  apologize.  [Felix  shrugs  his 
shoulders.]     You  have  got  me  into  a  horrible  mess! 

Felix.     I've  got  you  into  a  horrible  mess? 

Mary.  Well,  haven't  you?  You've  been  advis- 
ing me  all  through 

Felix.     I've  been  trying  to  advise  you 


Mary.     Yes,  and  see  where  you've  landed  me. 

Enter  Dakin. 

Dakin.     Mr.  Tadman  is  below,  sir.     He'd  like  to 
speak  to  you  and  Mrs.  Whichello. 

[121] 


MARY  GOES  FIRST 


Felix  [After  a  glance  at  Mary].  Show  him  up. 
[Exit  Dakin.]  You'd  better  not  say  anything.  Let 
me  arrange  it  if  I  can. 

Mary.  I'm  not  going  to  apologize  —  at  least,  not 
till  the  last  moment. 

Felix.     We'll  hear  what  he  has  to  say.     Shush! 

Enter  Dakix,  showing  in  Tadman.   *Exit  Dakin. 

Felix.     Good  morning,  Tadman. 

Tadman  [Very  cordial].  Good  morning.  [Goes  to 
Mary.]     Good  morning,  dear  Mrs.  Wbichello. 

Mary.     Good  morning. 

Tadman.  I  must  apologize  for  intruding,  Galpin. 
I've  been  walking  up  and  down  outside  your  gate 
for  ten  minutes 

Felix.     Taking  exercise? 

Tadman.  No.  I  was  coming  down  from  Sir 
Thomas  when  my  clerk  Pollard  came  out  after  doing 
his  duty.  [Tapping  the  writ  in  Mary's  hand.]  He 
mentioned  you  were  here.  And  I  said  to  myself, 
"Now,  shall  I  do  a  rather  unprofessional  thing,  and 
make  one  last  attempt  to  keep  this  out  of  Court?" 
And  I  said,  "I  will,  just  for  the  sake  of  my  old  friend- 
ship with  Whichello." 

Felix.  That  was  kind  of  you.   Sit  down,  won't  you? 

[  122  ] 


MARY  GOES  FIRST 


Tadman.  No,  thanks.  Can't  stay.  Got  to  be 
back  at  my  office. 

Felix.     Sir  Thomas  doesn't  know  you're  here? 

Tadman.  Of  course  I  shall  tell  him.  And  I'm 
sure  he'll  see  I'm  not  acting  against  his  interest  in 
taking  this  upon  myself.  [A  pause.]  You've  looked 
through  that?     [Signifying  writ.] 

Mary.  Not  all  through.  I  don't  understand 
lawyers'  language. 

Felix.  It  was  a  long  time  coming,  Tadman.  We 
began  to  think  you'd  forgotten  all  about  it. 

Tadman.  I  held  it  back,  thinking  that  perhaps 
Mrs.  Whichello  might  be  inclined  to  —  a 

Mary.     I'm  not  going  to  apologize. 

Tadman.     If  you've  quite  made  up  your  mind  — 

I'm   sorry.     I    hoped    perhaps [Going    toward 

door.  Felix  makes  an  appeal  to  Mary  behind  his 
back.  Mary  responds  with  a  gesture  of  dissent.]  Good 
morning.  [Opens  door,  going. 

Felix.  Tadman,  if  I  were  to  advise  Mrs.  Which- 
ello  

Mary.     Oh,  I  couldn't!     Not  apologize! 

Tadman  [Coming  toward  her].  If  I  might  suggest 
—  we're  all  old  friends  —  we  don't  want  to  wash  our 
dirty  linen  in  public 


[123] 


MARY  GOES  FIRST 


Mary.  Oh,  it  isn't  my  dirty  linen.  And  I'm  not 
washing  it. 

Tadman.  No,  but  you'll  have  to  pay  the  laundry 
bill.  And  you  and  Whichello  will  get  thoroughly 
splashed.  He  wants  to  go  into  Parliament,  doesn't 
he? 

Mary.  Not  very  much.  But  I  think  I  shall  get 
him   there. 

Tadman  [Pointing  to  writ].  Won't  that  be  rather 
in  your  way? 

Mary.  Oh,  no!  I've  been  canvassing.  The 
voters  love  to  talk  about  yellow  hair  and  magenta 
cheeks.     They  like  it  better  than  politics. 

[Felix,  behind  Tadman's  back,  shakes  his  head 
severely  at  Mart  and  shows  despair.] 

Tadman.  Well,  I've  done  my  best.  It's  a  pity. 
[Going  toward  door.  Felix  makes  another  appeal  to 
Mary.]     Good  morning. 

Felix.     What  do  you  propose? 

Tadman.  Nothing.  But  whatever  you  propose 
I'll  ask  Sir  Thomas  to  consider  favorably. 

Felix.  Hadn't  you  better  get  Sir  Thomas's  au- 
thority? 

Tadman  [Shakes  his  head].  In  his  present  temper 
he  won't  listen  to  anything  but  a  definite  apology. 

[124] 


MARY  GOES  FIRST 


If  I  could  take  him  a  form  we  had  arranged  upon 
he  might  give  way  -  -  I  can't  tell  —  I'm  willing  to 
try  it. 

[Felix  looks  at  Mary.     Tadman  looks  from 
one  to  the  other.] 

Mary  [After  a  longish  pause].     I'll  think  it  over. 

T  \dm  \\  [Shakes  his  head].  I'm  on  my  way  to  en- 
gage counsel.  When  that  is  done  an  apology  will  be 
too  late. 

Mary  [Very  reluctantly,  after  a  pause].  I  don't 
mind  saying  I'm  sorry. 

Tadman.  I  daren't  approach  Sir  Thomas  with 
anything  but  a  formal  apology,  with  an  expression 
of  regret,  and  an  assurance  not  to  repeat. 

Felix.     For  publication? 

Tadman.  Except  in  case  of  necessity  I  should  ad- 
vise Sir  Thomas  not  to  publish. 

Mary.  No,  but  the  "impropriety"  —  [Felix 
shakes  his  head  at  Mary]  —  would  show  it  all  over 
the  town. 

Felix.     What  form  do  you  suggest? 

Tadman.  I  must  just  consider  that.  Let  me  run 
down  to  the  Club,  and  draw  up  the  easiest  terms  I 
can  advise  Sir  Thomas  to  accept.  Then  if  you  and 
Mrs.  Whichello  approve  I  can  go  straight  to  Sir 

[125] 


MARY  GOES  FIRST 


Thomas;    we  can  sign  it  to-day  and  the  matter's 
ended. 

Mary  [After  a  pause,  very  reluctantly].     Very  well. 

Tadman.  I've  done  you  and  Whichello  a  good 
turn.     I'll  be  back  soon. 

Mary  [As  Tadman  is  going  off  and  is  closing  door, 
calls  after  him].  It  must  be  very  mild,  not  like  your 
other  apology  —  just  a  tiny  wee  one. 

[Exit  Tadman. 

Mary.  There!    You  see  what  you've  let  me  in  for. 

Felix.     I've  let  you  in? 

Mary.     You  should  have  bluffed  Mr.  Tadman. 

Felix.  Yes,  and  bluffed  you  out  of  all  chance  of 
the  baronetcy.  Now  we've  got  to  put  some  stiffen- 
ing into  Whichello.  He's  going  the  right  way  to 
lose  this  election.  We  must  coax  him  to  swallow 
the  minimum  wage  from  Chorley.  And  above  all 
we've  got  to  keep  him  good  pals  with  Borrodaile. 

Dick  enters  in  a  towering  rage.     They  look  at  him. 

Mary.     Dick!     What's  the  matter? 

Dick.  I've  had  twenty  mortal  minutes  with 
Bloxam  Borrodaile. 

Mary  [Alarmed].  You  haven't  quarreled  with 
him? 

[126] 


MARY  GOES  FIRST 


Dick.  Not  outwardly  and  visibly.  But  in- 
wardly I  have  consigned  him  to  bottomless  perdition. 
And  if  he  crosses  my  path  within  the  next  three 

months [Moves  his  fist  slowly  up  and  down, 

threatening  the  absent  Borrodaile.  Mary  and 
Felix  look  at  each  other  in  despair.  Felix  shrugs  his 
shoulders  and  goes  aivay.] 

Mary.     What  did  he  do? 

Dick.  He  boanerged  all  over  his  drawing-room, 
like  a  bull  of  Basham;  lathered  me  for  my  speech 
last  night,  and  wants  me  to  take  the  chair  next  week 
for  some  black  chap  who's  going  to  voice  the  wrongs 
of  India. 

Mary.     You  said  you  would? 

Dick.  No,  I  did  not.  I  sloped  off  to  the  station 
and  left  him  boanerging  on  his  doorstep.  When  I 
got  to  the  station  the  Dunningtree  train  had  gone. 
So  he  has  done  me  out  of  my  round  with  Monk- 
house.  [Turns  solemnly  to 'Mary.]  Now,  don't  you 
ask  Bloxam  Borrodaile  to  my  house.  His  tea's 
off. 

Mary.     But  we  must  keep  in  with  Borrodaile 

[Appeals  to  Felix,  who  shrugs  his  shoulders  and 
grins.] 

Dick.     You  keep  in  with  him  if  you  like,  but 

[127] 


MARY  GOES  FIRST 


speaking  for  myself,  two  penn'orth  more  of  Borro- 
daile,  and  I  throw  up  the  whole  job. 

Mary  [In  despair].  Throw  up?  You  can't  throw 
up  your  Liberal  principles  now!  [Again  appeals  to 
Felix,  who  shrugs  his  shoulders  and  grins.] 

Dick.  Can't  I?  Two  penn'orth  more  of  Borro- 
daile  —  one  penn'orth  --a  hea'porthn 

Enter  Dakin. 

Dakin  [To  Dick].  Mr.  Borrodaile  wants  to 
speak  to  you  again  on  the  'phone,  sir. 

[Felix  bursts  into  laughter.     Dick  rises,  furi- 
ous; thinks  better  of  it,  and  calmly  sits  down.] 
Dick.     Tell  him  I'll  make  an  appointment  with 
him  in  the  sweet  by  and  by. 

Mary.  No  —  no —  you  must  go  and  see  what 
he  wants,  mustn't  he?  [Appeals  to  Fellx,  who 
merely  shrugs  his  shoulders  and  grins.] 

Dakin.  He  says  it's  most  important,  sir;  some- 
thing he  forgot  to  question  you  about 

Dick.  Tell  him  to  heckle  the  telephone.  I've 
had  enough  of  it. 

Mary  [To  Dakin].  Tell  him  Mr.  Whichello  will 
be  down  to  speak  to  him  in  a  moment. 

[Exit  Dakin. 
[128] 


MARY  GOES  FIRST 


Mary  [Trying  to  get  Dick  out  of  his  chair].  Now, 
Dick,  we  can't  win  the  election  without  Borrodaile. 

Dick.     Then  we'll  lose  it. 

Mary.  But  if  we  lose  the  election  we  shan't  get 
the  baronetcy.  We  can't  lose  it !  [Tries  again  to  get 
Dick  out  of  the  chair,  appeals  with  a  gesture  to  Felix.] 
Mr.,  Galpin,  won't  you Please! 

Felix.     I'll  go  and  see  what  Borrodaile  wants. 

Mary.  Tell  him  Dick  agrees  with  every  word  he 
says.  [Felix  goes  off.  She  calls  after  him.]  And 
tell  him  I'll  take  the  chair  for  his  black  man.  Now, 
Dick,  this  is  disgraceful !  You  knew  what  it  meant 
when  you  took  up  Liberal  principles 

Dick.  By  Jove,  I  didn't !  or  I'd  never  have  gone 
in  for  it. 

Mary.  But  you  have  gone  in  for  it.  You  said 
you'd  never  draw  back.  You  said  you  wouldn't  let 
Bodsworth  walk  over  you. 

Dick.     Well,  he  isn't  going  to  walk  over  me. 

Mary.  But  he  is  walking  over  you.  You  must 
go  on  now!     You  must  fight  it  to  the  end! 

Dick.  Very  well  then,  if  you  want  me  to  see  this 
through,  you  keep  Borrodaile  out  of  my  way,  be- 
cause if  he  dares  to  boanerge  over  me,  I  shall  gird 

up  my  loins  and  I  shall Good  heavens ! 

[  129] 


MARY  GOES  FIRST 


Mart.     What  is  the  matter? 

Dick.     Good  Lord! 

Mary.     What  is  it? 

Dick.  I've  lost  my  golf  clubs.  [Mary  holes  at 
liim  in  despair.]  Xow  that's  all  through  jawing  with 
Borrodaile  about  his  black  man!  Xow  where  did  I 
—  I  must  have  left  them  at  the  station. 

Reenter  Felix 

Mary.     What  does  Mr.  Borrodaile  want? 

Felix.  It  seems  two  members  of  his  congregation 
saw  Whichello  playing  golf  on  Sunday.  He  says  no 
man  is  fit  to  represent  Warkinstall  on  Liberal  prin- 
ciples who  plays  golf  on  Sundays.  And  unless  — 
[to  Dick]  —  you  give  a  distinct  pledge  to  abstain 
from  Sunday  golf,  he  must  request  you  to  resign 
your  candidature. 

Dick.     That's  all  right.     I  resign  my  candidature. 

Mary.  No!  [Glancing  nervously  at  Dick.]  Tell 
him  Mr.  Whichello  will  abstain 

Dick  [Jumps  up].     Eh? 

Mary.  Tell  him  it  will  be  all  right.  [Glancing 
nervously  at  Dick.]  Ask  him  to  bring  Mrs.  Borro- 
daile to  have  din  —  [Dick  looks  furious]  —  tea  with 

me 

[130] 


MARY  GOES  FIRST 


Dick.     Not  in  my  house. 

Mary.  Say  it  will  be  all  right,  and  ask  him  and 
Mrs.  Borrodaile  to  dinner  with  you  to-night. 

Felix.     Dinner  with  me? 

Mary.  Yes  —  I'll  come,  too.  Oh,  do  go  and 
pacify  him!  do!  [Getting  him  off  at  door,  looks  at 
Dick,  who  is  placidly  lighting  a  cigarette;  cant  quite 
maize  up  her  mind  how  to  tackle  him.]  Dick,  you  de- 
serve to  be  shaken!  [Rushes  furiously  at  him  and 
shakes  him.]  You  can't  really  mean  to  draw  back 
now? 

Dick.  Yes,  I  do.  I  wash  my  hands  of  the  whole 
crew. 

Mary.  No.  Not  till  you've  won  the  seat. 
[Wheedling.]  You  will  keep  in  with  Borrodaile  till 
after  the  election?  Yes  —  there's  a  dear,  good  boy! 
And  I'll  be  such  a  darling  to  you  for  a  long  while. 
I've  always  said  you  were  the  best  husband  in  the 
world 

Dick  [Has  picked  up  the  cigarette  she  has  knocked 
out  of  his  hand].     Well,  so  I  am. 

Mary.     Yes,  if  you'll  only  just  let  me,  eh?  — 
stroking  his  chin  and  kissing  him]  —  eh?  —  phone  to 
old  Boanerges  that  you'll  give  up  the  golf  —  eh? 
old  sonnie,  eh? 

[131] 


MARY  GOES  FIRST 


Dick.  Give  up  my  golf?  After  sticking  in  the 
House  all  the  week,  listening  to  their  jaw  half  the 
night,  and  voting  just  how  I'm  told  for  a  lot  of 
hangnation  things  I  don't  know  and  don't  care  a 
cuss  about !  No.  We're  in  this  world  for  a  very 
short  time.  Do  let  us  be  happy,  do  let  us  be  com- 
fortable while  we  are  here. 

Mary.     You'll  be  more  chaffed  than  ever!     You 

will  have  a  bad  time [Goes  to  him  again,  throics 

her  arms  round  his  neck.}     Dick,  old  man,  give  it  to 
me  for  a  birthday  present  next  month,  eh? 

Dick.     Give  you  what? 

Mart.  Let  me  see  Borrodaile  and  Ben  Chorley 
and  promise  them  everything  they  want.  I'll  do  it 
all  —  and  get  you  safely  into  the  House,  and  then  as 
soon  as  the  Government  have  rewarded  you,  you  can 
retire  from  politics,  and  go  round  the  world.  And 
when  you  come  back,  you  can  change  your  views  and 
be  a  nice  old  Tory  again,  and  join  your  club  —  eh? 

Dick  [Calm,  good-humored,  very  firm].  No.  No. 
No.     No.     No. 

M\ry.  You  mean  that?  You  aren't  going  to 
fight  the  seat  after  all? 

Dick  [Same  tone].     No.   No.   No.    No.    No.    No. 
[M\ry  bursts  suddenly  into  tears.] 
[  132  ] 


, 


MARY  GOES  FIRST 


Mary  [Sobbing].  And  after  all  I've  done  for  you. 
And  the  Duchess  of  Gloucester  is  coming  to  open  the 
maternity  wing  of  the  Sanatorium.  And  Lady 
Bodsworth  is  going  to  present  her  with  a  bouquet. 
[Peeping  at  him  through  her  tears.]  I  shall  go  and  stay 
with  Aunt  Henrietta!  You  won't  like  that!  Re- 
member how  you  begged  me  to  come  home  last  time. 
I'll  stay  away  for  a  month !  I  will!  [Peeping  at  him. 
He  remains  unmoved,  placidly  smoking.  She  rushes  at 
him.]     Dick,  you're  a  brute! 

Dick.  Now,  look  here,  old  girl.  I'm  not  going 
into  Parliament.  That's  settled.  But  next  month, 
when  your  birthday  comes,  we'll  go  to  the 
South 

Mary.     No,  we  won't. 

Dick.  Well,  where  shall  we  go?  Don't  you  re- 
member the  jolly  times  we  had  at 

M\ry.     No! 

Dick.  Well,  we  have  had  some  jolly  times  to- 
gether. [Mary  dissents.]  Oh  yes,  we  have.  [Try- 
ing to  fondle  her.]  And  I'll  give  you  that  new  Rolls 
Royce,  and  I'll  take  you  for  the  jolliest  trip  —  now 
where  shall  we  go? 

Mary.  I'm  going  to  Aunt  Henrietta  the  first 
thing  to-morrow  morning. 

[133] 


MARY  GOES  FIRST 


Felix  enters. 

Mary.     What  did  you  tell  Mr.  Borrodaile? 

Felix.  They'd  cut  us  off,  and  his  line's  engaged. 
What's  the  matter? 

Mary.  He  has  thrown  it  up!  The  maundering 
renegade!  The  turncoat!  The  incoherent  and  in- 
capable  wobbler!  The  blustering  and  blundering 
ratter!     Look  at  him! 

[Dick  sits  quietly  smoking.] 

Felix.     You  aren't  to  stand  for  Warkinstall? 

Dick  [Same  tone].  No.  No.  No.  No.  No. 
No. 

Felix.     What's  to  be  done? 

Mary.  They  ought  to  make  him  a  baronet  for 
the  cemetery. 

Felix.     Not  much  chance  of  that. 

Mary.  Then  he  must  give  the  town  something 
else  —  a  new  Town  Hall ! 

Felix.     We  don't  want  a  new  Town  Hall. 

Mary.  Well,  what  does  the  town  want?  A 
people's  park  with  zoological  gardens  and  tortoises 
and  kangaroos  and  a  monkey  house 

Dick.  With  land  all  round  at  two  thousand 
pounds  an  acre.     No,  thank  you ! 

[134] 


MARY  GOES  FIRST 


Mary.  Well  —  a  picture  gallery  —  a  museum  — 
an  aquarium?      The  town  must  want  something. 

Enter    Betts. 

Betts.  It's  all  right.  I've  nobbled  Chorley. 
[To  Dick.]  But  you'll  have  to  swallow  the  mini- 
mum wage  and  the  Osborne  judgment. 

Dick.     I'm  not  going  to  swallow  anything! 

Mary  [Calling  Betts  to  her].  Mr.  Betts,  my 
husband  thinks  that  perhaps  the  Liberal  cause  might 
not  be  quite  safe  in  his  hands,  so  he  has  decided  to 
become  a  philanthropist  to  the  town. 

Betts  [Looks  all  round,  puzzled].     Oh!     Has  he? 

Mary  [Drawing  Betts  aside].  Rather  than  the 
Liberal  cause  should  suffer  through  him,  he'll  sacri- 
fice himself [Goes  on  talking  to  Betts.] 

Dick.     I  say,  Galpin,  I've  lost  my  golf  clubs 

Felix.     Have  you? 

Dick.  I  can't  remember  where  I  left  them.  I 
know  I  had  them  in  the  cab  when  I  left  Borrodaile's. 
I  believe  I  took  them  into  the  booking  office.  Would 
you  let  your  man  ring  them  up  at  the  station,  and 
ask  them  to  look  round? 

Felix.     Certainly. 

Dick.     I  haven't  had  a  round  for  a  fortnight,  ever 

[135] 


MARY  GOES  FIRST 


since  this  ghastly  speeching  and  voicing  has  been 
going  on. 

Betts  [To  Mary].  Oh,  no,  I  couldn't  suggest  it. 
We  can't  go  chucking  about  titles  for  museums  and 
picture  galleries.  We're  out  to  win  the  seat  from 
the  Tories.     Seats  are  what  we  want  just  now! 

Mary.  Then  what's  to  be  done?  [Sees  Felix,  is 
struck  with  an  idea.]  Mr.  Galpin,  you  must  stand  for 
Warkinstall! 

Felix.     Stand  for  Warkingstall ! 

Betts  [Enthusiastically].  Good  business!  Good 
business! 

Mary.     What  do  you  say? 

Felix.  Oh,  I'm  on  the  job  —  emphatically  on  the 
job.     But  I've  got  no  money. 

Mary.     Dick  and  I  will  see  to  that. 

Dick.     What? 

Mary.  Of  course,  you  will,  Dick.  You  can't 
leave  the  Liberal  Party  in  the  lurch  now.  You're 
bound  to  see  them  through  this  election.  [Turns 
to  Betts.]  If  Mr.  Whichello  lends  his  influence  to 
Mr.  Galpin,  and  pays  the  election  expenses,  I  suppose 
the  Chief  would  recognize  his  self-sacrifice? 

Betts.  I  feel  sure  he  would.  I  should  explain 
Whichello's  self-denying  action,  and  if  he'll  —  [look- 

[136] 


MARY  GOES  FIRST 


ing  at  Dick]  —  send  a  tidy  cheque  to  the  war-chest, 
I'll  put  it  in  the  right  light  to  the  Chief. 

Mary.     Then  that's  settled. 

Dick.     I  don't  know  so  much  about  that. 

Mary.  Hold  your  tongue,  Dick.  [In  a  very  low 
pleading  voice  to  Betts.]  I  suppose  if  my  husband 
sent  in  quite  a  large  cheque  —  something  very  hand- 
some indeed  —  the  Government  would  consider 
him  for  —  a 

Betts.     For  what? 

Mary  [In  a  very  timid,  nervous  whisper].  For  a 
—  peerage? 

Betts.  Peerage?  [By  a  gesture  expresses  horror 
too  great  to  be  conveyed  in  ivords.] 

Mary.  I  said  of  course  they  wouldn't.  Of 
course  not.  We  shall  be  quite  satisfied  with  a  baron- 
etcy. 

Dick.  Mr.  Betts,  you  know  my  figure.  [To 
Mary.]  Not  a  penny  more.  Now  can  I  get  on  to 
the  station  about  my  golf  clubs? 

Mary  [In  a  low  tone  to  Betts].  It's  all  right.  He 
will  jump.  [To  Fellx.]  Will  Mr.  Borrodaile  ac- 
cept you  as  candidate? 

Felix.  Oh,  yes.  After  my  speech  last  night  he 
wrung  my  hand  and  said:   "Ah,  Mr.  Galpin,  you're 

[137] 


MARY  GOES  FIRST 


the  sort  of  man  we  want  to  blow  the  Liberal  trumpet 
in  Warkinstall  and  Westminster!" 

Betts.  I  say,  old  man,  you'll  have  to  play  a  tune 
or  two  on  the  Socialist  trumpet 

Felix.     Shall  I? 

Bett:s.     I've  promised  Chorley 

Felix.  That's  awkward.  I've  been  telling 
everybody  that  the  Liberal  Party  is  the  only  bulwark 
against  Socialism. 

Maky.     Well,  isn't  it? 

Felix.  I  dunnow.  That's  what  I've  been  say- 
ing. 

Mary.  Never  mind  what  you've  been  saying. 
You've  got  to  win  the  seat. 

Felix  [After  a  perplexed  gesture].  Well,  after  all 
it's  only  looking  at  things  from  a  Socialist  point  of 
view 

Dick  [Who  has  been  quietly  smoking  and  rumi- 
nating, has  just  taken  up  the  writ  and  glanced  at  it]. 
Hillo,  Galpin,  what's  this? 

Felix.     What  ? 

Dick.  You've  told  me  all  through  I  shouldn't 
have  a  lawsuit  with  Bodsworth. 

Fellx.     I  hope  I  shall  be  able  to  arrange 

Dick.     You'd  better,  because  if  this  comes  into 

[138] 


MARY  GOES  FIRST 


Court  I  button  up  my  pockets  for  the  election  ex- 
penses. 

[Felix  looks  appeal  ingly  at  Mary.] 

Dakin  shoivs  in  Ella,  and  exits. 

Ella  [Dancing  in].  She's  funked  it !  She's  funked 
it  I     She's  funked  it! 

Mary.     Who  has?     Funked  what? 

Ella.  The  "impropriety."  She  daren't  go  into 
Court !     She  simply  daren't ! 

Mary.     How  do  you  know? 

Ella.  Mrs.  Bratwick  has  just  called  with  the  joy- 
ful news,  so  I  came  on  with  it  at  once. 

Mary.     Yes  —  tell  me 

Ella.  It  seems  they  had  a  grand  council  of  war 
last  night 

Mary.     Who? 

Ella.  Sir  Thomas,  the  "impropriety,"  and  Mr.Tad- 
man.  Sir  Thomas  wanted  to  go  on,  but  she  daren't 
face  it,  so  they  decided  to  withdraw  from  the  lawsuit. 

Mary.     But  they've  sent  me  a  writ. 

Ella.  Yes.  The  "impropriety"  wants  an 
apology.  So  Tadman  suggested  he  should  serve  the 
writ,  and  then  call  upon  you,  as  an  old  friend,  and 
get  an  apology  out  of  you  if  he  could. 

[139] 


MARY  GOES  FIRST 


Mart.  The  old  fox!  We  might  have  known  he 
was  bluffing. 

Ella.  So  he's  coming  to  see  you  this  morning 
to  try  it  on. 

Mary.     Is  he?     Is  he? 

Ella.     Don't  you  let  him  get  round  you. 

Mary.     Oh,  I  won't. 

Ella.  The  "impropriety"  has  decided  to  have 
an  attack  of  rheumatism  and  be  ordered  to  Aix. 
That's  to  be  their  reason  for  not  going  on  with  the 
lawsuit. 

Enter  Dakin,  showing  in  Tadman.     Exit  Dakin. 

Tadman.     Morning,  Whichello. 

Dick.     Good  morning. 

Tadman.     Good  morning,  Miss  Southwood. 

Ella.     Good  morning. 

Tadman  [Drawing  out  a  sheet  of  paper].  I'm  de- 
lighted we're  going  to  settle  this  painful  little  affair. 

Mary.     So  are  we. 

Tadman  [Giving  Felix  the  paper].  I've  made  it 
quite  easy  for  Mrs.  Whichello.  I  think  that  will 
meet  the  case. 

Felix  [Glancing  at  paper].  I  don't  think  so, 
Tadman,  I  don't  think  so. 


MARY  GOES  FIRST 


Tadman  [Surprised].     Eh? 

Mary.     How  is  Lady  Bodsworth  this  morning? 

Tadman.     Very  well,  I  believe. 

Mary.  No  symptoms  of  her  old  enemy,  rheum- 
atism? 

Tadman.     No.     Won't  you  look  at  the  apology? 

Mary.     It  won't  be  necessary,  will  it,  Mr.  Galpin? 

Felix.  Not  at  all.  You  may  tell  Sir  Thomas 
we  accept  service  of  the  writ. 

Tadman  [Nonplussed].  Oh!  That  is  your  final 
decision? 

Felix.     Absolutely. 

Tadman.     I  may  warn  you 

Felix.  No,  don't,  Tadman.  [Putting  his  hand 
on  Tadman's  shoulder.]  You  go  to  Sir  Thomas  and 
Lady  Bodsworth,  as  an  old  friend,  and  say  we  shall 
fight  this  out  in  Court. 

Mary.     Wigs  on  the  green! 

Tadman.  Oh!  [Looks  round.]  I'll  tell  Sir  Thomas. 
Good  morning.  [Exit  Tadman. 

Mary  [To  Galpin].  Now,  you  must  get  out  your 
election  address. 

Felix.     Right. 

Mary.     Can  I  help  you? 

Fellx.     Rather.     We  must  pitch  it  strong. 

[141] 


MARY  GOES  FIRST 


Enter  Dakix  with  a  set  of  golf  sticks. 

Dakin  [To  Dick].  The  cabman  who  took  you 
to  the  station  found  these  in  the  cab,  sir. 

Dick  [Taking  his  golf  clubs  lovingly].  Give  him 
half-a-crown.  [Exit  Dakin. 

Mary.  Dick,  you  must  get  out  a  farewell  address 
to  the  electors,  recommending  Mr.  Galpin. 

Dick.     Eh? 

Felix.  Don't  worry  about  that.  I'll  write  it  for 
you. 

[Mary,  Ella,  and  Felix  have  had  a  hurried 
talk.  Felix  sits  down  to  write,  Mary  over 
him.] 

Dick  [Strapping  his  clubs  on  his  shoulder].  Now 
look  here,  Galpin.  I'm  not  going  to  be  landed  in 
goodness  knows  what  expenses  over  this  confounded 
election  of  yours 

Mary  [Waving  him  away].  Run  away,  you  dear 
thing!  Run  away,  and  play  golf  till  after  the  elec- 
tion. 

Fellx.     Fellow  citizens  of  ^Yarkinstall 

[Dick  is  going  off  with  his  clubs  on  his  shoulder.] 

Curtain. 
[142] 


EPILOGUE 

Nearly  two  years  and  a  half  pass  between  Act  HI  and 

the  Epilogue 


EPILOGUE 

Scene:  The  same.  The  room  has  been  brightened  by 
the  addition  of  feminine  belongings,  and  gives  evi- 
dence that  there  is  a  mistress  in  tJie  house. 

Time  :  Just  before  dinner  on  a  summer  evening.  The 
room  is  dimly  lighted.  The  blind  is  up  and  the  last 
rays  of  the  setting  sun  come  through  the  window. 

Discover  Felix  and  Chesher  in  evening  dress,  as 
if  waiting  for  guests.  Dakin  is  making  the  room 
tidy,  and  turns  up  additional  electric  lights. 

Felix.  So  Ella  and  I  thought  we'd  give  a  little 
dinner,  and  get  them  to  shake  hands  and  bury  the 
hatchet. 

Chesher.  Then  you're  friendly  with  the  Bods- 
worths? 

Felix.  My  dear  uncle,  I'm  member  for  Warkin- 
stall,  and  I  intend  to  remain  member  for  Warkinstall, 
so  Ella  and  I  are  friendly  with  everybody. 

[145] 


MARY  GOES  FIRST 


Dakin  [Going  off].  I  beg  pardon,  sir  —  shall  I 
throw  it  up  a  bit? 

Felix.     Throw  what  up? 

Dakin  [In  a  rather  loud  tone].  Sir  Richard  and 
Lady  Whichello. 

Felix.  No,  Dakin,  no.  Keep  that  tone  for 
knighthoods.  The  higher  the  title  >  the  less  it  needs 
throwing  up. 

Dakin.     Yes,  sir.  [Exit. 

Felix.  Yes,  Ella  and  I  had  been  trying  to  bring 
them  together  for  months. 

Ciiesiiek.  Should  have  thought  two  years  row- 
ing would  have  satisfied  any  reasonable  people. 

Felix.  It  wras  Lady  Bods  worth  who  held  off. 
Bodsworth  is  ready  to  make  it  up,  because  he  and 
Tadman  are  working  Tariff  Reform,  and  they  want 
Dick  to  join  them  in  getting  a  stiff  duty  on  leather 
goods  out  of  the  Tory  leaders. 

Chesher.  What  are  Whichello's  politics  just 
now? 

Felix.  Rather  northwest  southeast.  Well,  six 
weeks  ago,  Lady  Bodsworth  fortunately  had  a  motor 
accident  about  twenty  miles  out.  Dick  and  Mary 
fortunately  came  by  and  picked  her  up  and  carried 
her  to  the  nearest  inn.     Dick  and  Mary  had    just 

[146] 


MARY  GOES  FIRST 


got  a  note  from  the  Prime  Minister  to  say  they  were 
to  be  included  in  the  birthday  honors.  So  Mary 
was  very  kind;  stayed  with  Lady  Bodsworth  all 
night,  and  nursed  her  up  rather  more  than  she 
wanted  to  be  nursed.  Now  Mary  has  got  the  baro- 
netcy, she  feels  rather  friendly  toward  Lady  Bods- 
worth. 

Chesher.  There's  nobody  we  like  quite  so  much 
as  the  enemy  wre  have  thoroughly  downed. 

Felix.  Well,  that  paved  the  way  for  a  reconcilia- 
tion. But  Ella  had  no  end  of  a  job  to  persuade  Lady 
Bodsworth  to  come  to-night.  However,  she  is 
coming;  and  we  are  going  to  have  a  jolly  little 
family  dinner  party.  That's  why  I  invited  you 
down.     You'll  be  in  at  the  death. 

Chesher.     Doctor's  chief  function. 

Enter  Dakin,  announcing  Mr.  and  IVIrs.  Tadman. 
Enter  Tadman  and  Mrs.  Tadman.     Exit  Dakin. 

Felix  [To  Mrs.  Tadman].  How  d'ye  do?  [Shak- 
ing hands.] 

Mrs.  T.     How  d'ye  do? 

Felix.  My  wife  will  be  down  directly.  We  were 
late    in    getting   back    from    the    Petbury    garden 

party. 

[147] 


MARY  GOES  FIRST 


[Chesiier   and  Tadman   have  shaken   hands 
Mrs.  Tadman  shakes  hands  with  Chesher.] 

Felix.     Tadman,  how  are  you? 

Tadman  [Rosier,  more  shaky].     Never  felt  so  well 
in  my  life. 

Felix.     There's  a  bottle  of  your  own  port  for  you. 

Tadman.     Then  I  shall  feel  better  still. 

Felix.     And  you'll  find  a  cocktail  on  that  table. 
[Pointing  to  window.] 

Tadman.     Thanks.      [Helping  himself  to  cocktail.] 

Mrs.  T.     I'm  so  sorry  the  Bodsworths  aren't  com- 
ing. 

Felix  [Taken  aback].     Not  coming? 

Mrs.  T.     You  haven't  heard? 

Felix.     No,  we're  expecting  them. 

Mrs.  T.     Perhaps  I  oughtn't  to  have  spoken. 

Felix.     Yes  —  please  tell  me. 

Mrs.  T.     I  was  calling  on  Lady  Bodsworth  this 
afternoon.     She  was  very  much  upset. 

Felix.     What  about? 

Mrs.  T.     Sir  Thomas  and  she  were  not  invited  to 
the  garden  party  at  Petbury  Park  this  afternoon. 

Felix.     I  can't  help  that.     There  were  only  the 
county  people  there. 

Mrs.  T.     She  feels  it  was  a  great  slight,  and  she 

[148] 


MARY  GOES  FIRST 


couldn't  possibly  dine  with  you  under  the  circum- 
stances. 

Felix.  But  good  heavens !  I  can't  tell  Lady  Pet- 
bury  whom  to  invite 

Mrs.  T.  So  I  told  her,  but  she  wouldn't  be  per- 
suaded. I  left  her  writing  a  note  to  Mrs.  Galpin, 
asking  you  to  excuse  them. 

Felix.     Well,  of  all  —  it's  really  too  bad 

Tadman  [Over  his  cocktail].  Never  mind,  Galpin! 
If  the  dinner  is  up  to  your  usual  standard,  we  shall 
get. on  very  well  without  the  Bodsworths. 

Felix.  But  we're  giving  this  dinner  on  purpose 
to  bring  them  and  the  Whichellos  together  again. 

Chesher.  Felix,  my  boy,  you  don't  seem  quite 
to  hit  it  off  with  your  dinner  parties. 

Felix.  And  Lady  Bodsworth  fixed  the  day  her- 
self —  they  might  have  sent  us  word  to  say  they 
weren't  coming  —  it's  too  bad. 

Tadman  [Has  been  looking  out  of  the  window]. 
Isn't   that   the   Bodsworth   mo  or  just   driven   up? 

Yes 

[Mrs.    Tadman    and  Chesher  move  toward 
window.] 

Mrs.  T.     Sir  Thomas  is  getting  out. 

Fellx.     Is  he  alone? 

[149] 


MARY  GOES  FIRST 


Tadman.  No  —  there's  Lady  Bodsworth  —  he's 
helping  her  out 

Mrs.  T.     So  they're  coming  after  all. 

Tadman.     There's  something  the  matter. 

Mrs.  T.     Lady  Bodsworth  is  crying. 

Felix.     I  suppose  we  shall  have  a  scene  again. 

Mrs.  T.     She  is  getting  back  into  the  motor. 

Tadman.  No,  Sir  Thomas  won't  let  her.  He's 
arguing  with  her. 

Mas.  T.  Oh,  yes,  she  is  coming  in.  Let's  hope  it 
will  all  pass  off  pleasantly. 

[Mrs.  Tadman,  Chesher,  and  Felix  come 
away  from  the  window.] 

Felix.  Uncle,  I  think  Ella  has  arranged  for  you 
to  take  her  in. 

Chesher.     I  scarcely  feel  equal  to  it. 

Tadman  [Has  helped  himself  to  another  cocktail]. 
Oh,  give  her  a  glass  or  two  of  Galpin's  champagne  to 
start  with. 

Felix.  And  keep  off  the  Whichello  baronetcy. 
And  the  Petbury  garden  party. 

Mrs.  T.  Yes,  and  she's  very  touchy  about  —  but, 
perhaps  I  oughtn't  to  mention  it 

Feltx.  Oh,  yes!  Let's  make  her  happy  if  we 
can.     "What's  she  touchy  about? 

[150] 


MARY  GOES  FIRST 


Mrs.  T.  Well,  as  you  know,  the  last  two  years 
since  your  dinner  party  everybody  has  been  making 
remarks  about  the  way  she  does  her  hair,  and  it 
makes  her  very  sensitive.  She  had  got  a  new  trans- 
formation for  to-night,  but  Sir  Thomas  wouldn't  let 
her  wear  it.  He  insists  that  for  the  future  she  shall 
wear,  her  own  hair. 

Felix.  Good  Lord!  What  will  she  look  like 
now? 

Mrs.  T.  Well,  I  told  her  it  suited  her  beauti- 
fully. 

Felix.  Oh!  let's  all  tell  her  it  suits  her  beau- 
tifully. 

Mrs.  T.  No  !  She's  so  fidgety,  we'd  better  pre- 
,tend  to  take  no  notice. 

Felix.  Oh,  let  us  all  pretend  anything  —  if  it 
will  only  keep  her  quiet. 

Enter  Dakin,  announcing  Sir  Thomas  Bodsworth. 
Enter  Sir  Thomas.  Dakin  waits.  Felix  ad- 
vances to  shake  hands  with  Sir  Thomas. 

Fellx.  How  d'ye  do,  Sir  Thomas?  We  hope 
Lady  Bodsworth 

Sir  T.  [Shaking  hands].  Lady  Bodsworth  is  over- 
taken with  the  heat.     She  is  in  the  morning-room. 

[151] 


MARY  GOES  FIRST 


She  asked  me  to  come  up  and  leave  her  to  recover 
herself.     Please  don't  take  any  notice. 

Felix.     We  are  so  sorry 

Sir  T.  It's  nothing.  She'll  be  here  in  a  minute. 
[Goes  to  Tadman,  Mrs.  Tadman,  and  Chesher,  and 
shakes  hands  with  them.] 

Felix.  Dakin,  will  you  send  up,  to  Mrs.  Galpin 
and  say  our  guests  are  arriving. 

Dakin.  I  beg  pardon,  sir,  Mrs.  Galpin  was  com- 
ing downstairs,  when  she  heard  Lady  Bodsworth 
upsetting  herself.  She  is  now  in  the  morning-room 
pacifying  Lady  Bodsworth. 

Felix.     Oh,  all  right. 

[Much    perplexed,    looking    anxiously    at    his 
watch.     Exit  Dakin.] 

Tadman  [Has  been  talking  with  Sir  Thomas]. 
We'll  ask  Galpin.  [Comes  up,  cocktail  in  hand.] 
Galpin,  now  we're  all  tiled  in,  and  all  friends,  how 
much  did  Whichello  stump  up  for  his  baronetcy? 

Felix  [Wamingly].  Shush-sh-sh-sh.  Nobody 
can  say  that  he  didn't  richly  deserve  it. 

Sir  T.  Oh,  certainly.  We  are  all  delighted  at 
the  honor,  particularly  Lady  Bodsworth  and  myself. 
Nobody  who  knows  the  burden  of  a  title,  the  amount 
of  public  duty  it  entails  —  and  the  subscriptions  to 

[152] 


MARY  GOES  FIRST 


charities,  would  envy  those  whom  it  pleases  his 
Majesty  to  select  for  the  honor. 

Chesher.  My  old  fellow-student,  Sir  Robert 
Latimore,  got  a  baronetcy  last  year  to  please  his 
wife.  Bob  declares  that  if  he  hadn't  been  obliged  to 
work  so  hard  for  the  title,  he  might  have  known 
something  about  medicine. 

Tadman.  Now,  between  ourselves,  Galpin,  how 
much  did  Whichello 

Felix.  {Warninghj}.     Shush-sh-sh!      Shush-sh-sh! 

Tadman.  We  shall  get  him  again,  Galpin  —  we 
shall  get  him  again! 

Felix.     Who? 

Tadman.  He's  wobbling!  He's  wobbling!  Bet 
you  a  new  hat  we  shall  have  him  safe  in  the  Tory 
fold  before  he's  a  year  older. 

Lady  Bodsworth  enters,  accompanied  by  Ella. 
Lady  Bodswtorth  is  wearing  her  own  hair,  which 
is  gray-white  and  rather  scanty.  She  is  recovering 
from  a  fit  of  crying,  and  has  a  little  smudged  her 
complexion.  Ella  is  comforting  and  supporting 
her. 

Ella.  There!  There!  You're  better  now.  [Tak- 
ing her  to  sofa, —  and  seating  her.] 

[153] 


MARY  GOES  FIRST 


Lady  B.     I  do  hope  everybody  will  excuse  me 

[Weeping  a  little.] 

Ella.     Oh,  yes.     Sit  there  a  minute.     We'll  leave 
you  to  come  round. 

[Exchanges  a  look  of  comic  distress  ivith  Felix, 

who  goes  to  Lady  Bodsworth  and  shakes 

hands  with  her.     Ella  goes  to  Sir  Thomas 

and  the  Tadmans,  and  shakes  hands.    Lady 

Bodsworth  remains  on  sofa  weeping.] 

Ella.   How  are  you,  Sir  Thomas.    [Shaking  hands.] 

Dear  Mrs.  Tadman.   [Shaking  hands.]   Mr.  Tadman, 

how  are  you?     [Shaking  hands.]    Uncle,  so  glad  you 

could    run  down.     [Shaking  hands  ivith  Chesher.] 

You  must  please  forgive  me  being  late.     We  could 

not  get  away  from  the  Petbury  garden  party 

[A  little  choking  sob  from  Lady  Bodsworth, 
who  sits  on  sofa.  Tadman,  Mrs.  Tadman, 
and  Chesher  admonish  Ella  to  silence  by 
a  look.  Sir  Thomas  is  vexed  at  Lady  Bods- 
worth's  behavior,  and  frowns  at  her  to  be 
quiet.] 
Ella  [Cant  understand  the  meaning  of  the  look  the 
Tadmans  and  Chesher  have  given  her  —  goes  on].     It 

was  such  a  jolly  party 

[Lady  Bodsworth  has  another  rather  louder 
[154] 


MARY  GOES  FIRST 


choke.  The  Tadmans  again  admonish  Ella 
to  silence  by  a  look.  Ella  doesn't  under- 
stand. The  Tadmans  and  Chesher  draw 
her  a  little  aside  and  explain  in  dumb  shoio. 
Felix  has  tried  to  comfort  Lady  Bods- 
worth.] 
Lady  B.  [Between  her  sobs,  to  Felix].  You're  very 
kind,  but  I  really  think  I'd  better  go  home. 

Sir  T.  [Sternly],  Nonsense!  Nonsense!  We  have 
come  expressly  to  congratulate  Sir  Richard  and 
Lady  Whichello  upon  the  honor  which  it  has  pleased 
his  Majesty  to  confer  upon  them.  [Goes  to  her  and 
argues.     Felix  is  seen  to  be  comforting  her.] 

Ella  [To  Tadmans  and  Chesher].  I  see.  I 
won't  mention  the  garden  party.  And  there's  an- 
other thing.  Sir  Thomas  has  made  her  wear  her  own 
hair,  and  she's  fretting  because  she  thinks  it  isn't 
becoming. 

Tadman.     It's  a  good  deal  more  becoming  than — 
Mrs.    T.     Shush  —  don't    look    at    her  —  she'll 
guess  we're  talking  about  it. 
Tadman.     Mum !     Mum ! 

[He  goes  to  table,  puts  down  his  second  cock- 
tail empty,  hesitates  whether  he  shall  take  a 
third.     Sir    Thomas  has  frightened   Lady 
[155] 


MARY  GOES  FIRST 


Bodsworth  into  submission.      Felix  looks 
impatiently    at    his    watch    and    comes   to 
Ella.] 
Ella  [To  Felix].     The  dinner  will  be  spoilt. 
Lady  B.  [Plaintively,  from  sofa].     I  suppose  there 
were  a  great  many  people  at  the  garden  party? 

Felix.  No.  Just  a  few  stauncji  Liberals  like 
myself. 

Ella.     Mary  and  Dick  ought  to  be  here 

Enter  Dakix,  announcing  Sir  Richard  and  Lady 
Whichello.  Enter  Mary  and  Dick.  Exit  Da- 
kin. 

Mary.  My  dear  Ella,  we're  terribly  late.  Ah, 
my  dear  Sir  Thomas !  Now  this  is  really  good  of  you 
[Shaking  hands]. 

Sir  T.  We  are  delighted  to  congratulate  you  and 
Sir  Richard 

Mary.     I'm  sure  you  are [Stops  at  seeing 

Lady  Bodsworth,  who,  upon  her  entrance,  has  had  a 
renewed  little  fit  of  tears.] 

Sir  T.  [In  reply  to  an  inquiring  look  from  Mary]. 
It's  nothing  —  a  little  overtaken  by  the  heat  — 
please  take  no  notice. 

Mary.     You  really  must  excuse  us,  Ella  —  the 

[156] 


MARY  GOES  FIRST 


Petburys  would  keep  us  till  the  last  moment 


[Lady  Bodsworth  has  a  louder  choking  sob  —  Tad- 
man,  Ella,  Chesher,  and  Mrs.  Tadman  admonish 
Mary  by  a  look  to  keep  quiet.]  And  as  they  were 
giving  the  party  in  our  honor  —  [Another  look 
from  the  group,  which  Mary  doesn't  understand] 
—  we  felt  bound  to  stay  till  the  last  moment. 
[Another  look  from  the  group.  To  Ella.]  What's 
the  matter? 

[Ella  whispers  to  Mary.] 

Sir  T.  [Sternly  to  Lady  Bodsworth].  Now, 
Fanny,  my  dear,  rouse  yourself  —  and  offer  our  sin- 
cere congratulations  to  Sir  Richard  and  Lady  Which- 
ello  upon  the  honor  which  it  has  pleased  his  Maj- 
esty  

[Lady  Bodsworth  rises,  still  tearful,  tries  to 
speak,  bursts  into  tears.] 

Mary.  Oh,  never  mind  about  the  congratula- 
tions. Dick  and  I  are  tired  of  them.  [To  Lady 
Bodsworth.]  Now  this  is  very  dear  of  you  and  Sir 
Thomas.  We're  so  glad  to  meet  you  again  as  old 
friends [Shaking  hands.] 

Lady  B.  [Still  tearful,  nerving  herself  to  speak.] 

I'm  sure  we're  delighted  —  delighted [Has  a 

renewed  little  fit  of  tears.] 

[157] 


MARY  GOES  FIRST 


Mary.     Of  course  you  are.     And  we  shall  see  a 
great  deal  of  you,  I  hope.     Lady  Petbury  sent  you 
such  a  sweet  message. 
Lady  B.     Did  she? 

Mary.  Yes,  she  said:  "How  is  our  dear  Lady 
Bodsworth?  I  must  call  and  see  her  the  first  time 
I'm  in  Warkinstall." 

Lady  B.     I  think  she  might  have  invited 

[Sinking  on  the  sofa  in  renewed  sobs.]     I  do  feel  I've 
been  slighted. 

Mary.     No,  no,  no 

[Lady  Bodsworth  continues  sobbing.  Mary 
turns  round  with  a  gesture  of  helplessness  to 
the  company.] 

Lady  B.     I'm  sorry  to  upset  your  party 

Ella.  Oh,  don't  mention  it.  [To  Fellx.]  The 
dinner's  spoiling. 

Sir  T.  [Sternly].  Fanny,  this  is  unworthy  the 
dignity  of  our  position.  Even  if  we  are  not  invited 
to  Petbury,  we  have  still  our  rank  in  Warkinstall  to 
maintain.  Remember  that,  and  don't  let  me  have 
to  blush  for  you. 

[Mary  goes  to  Lady  Bodsworth,  and  is 
seen  to  be  fussing  over  her  and  comforting 
her.] 

[158] 


MARY  GOES  FIRST 


Tadman.  Oh,  before  I  forget,  Whichello,  just  put 
that  in  your  pocket  and  look  at  it  when  you  get 
home.     [Giving  paper.] 

Dick.     What  is  it? 

Tadman.  My  revised  scheme  of  Tariff  Reform. 
I've  eased  a  bit  on  bacon,  and  tightened  on  rubber 
and  mackintosh. 

Dick.  So  long  as  the  leather  trade  gets  a  look- 
in  

Tadman.  Oh,  it  does.  That's  a  water-tight 
scheme.     I've  sent  it  to  the  Party  leaders. 

Dick.     Good ! 

Tadman.  And  we  hope  you'll  attend  the  meeting 
and  say  a  few  words 

Dick.  No,  thank  you.  I've  chucked  politics. 
Let  everybody  have  everything  he  hollers  for.  Then 
we  shall  all  be  happy. 

[Mary  has  taken  Lady  Bodsworth  apart, 
and  is  comforting  her.] 

Lady  B.     You're  quite  sure  it  suits  me? 

Mary.  Perfectly,  perfectly.  I've  never  seen 
you  look  so  charming.  Don't  change  it  in  the 
least. 

[Ella  has  whispered  to  Sir  Thomas  and  Tad- 
man about  their  partners.] 
[159] 


MARY  GOES  FIRST 


Enter  Dakin. 

Dakin.     Dinner  is  served,  ma'am.      [Exit  Dakin. 

Mary  [To  Lady  Bodsworth].  There!  You  feel 
better  now. 

Lady    B.   [A    little   tearful    .still].     Yes,    but 

[Gulps.  Ella  comes  up  to  Lady  Bodsworth  and 
whispers  to  her.] 

Lady  B.  [Discontentedly].  Oh,  Mr.  Tadman  takes 
me  in 

Felix  [To  Ella].     I  thought  my  uncle 

Cm  -ii i;k.  Oh,  I  give  way  and  come  in  on  my 
own.     Mr.  Tadman 


[TADMAN,  after  m  uch  hesitation,  is  just  putting 
his  third  cocktail  to  his  lips,  hurriedly  puts 
glass  on  table,  and  goes  to  Lady  Bodsworth, 
offers  his  arm.] 
Tadman.     Delighted. 

[Lady  Bodsworth  shows  hesitation.] 
Ella.     You'd  prefer  Dr.  Chesher? 
Lady  B.     No  —  I  feel  rather  faint  again. 

[General  consternation.] 
Lady  B.  [Weeping  copiously].     And  I  have  been 
so  slighted.     But  sooner  than  make  things  unpleas- 
ant, I  feel  I'd  better  go  home. 

[160] 


MARY  GOES  FIRST 


Mary  [Dropping  Felix's  arm,  which  she  had 
taken].  You  take  her  in.  [Felix  demurs.]  Yes, 
do.  It  will  please  her.  Lady  Bodsworth,  Mr.  Gal- 
pin  will  take  you  in. 

Lady  B.     Oh,  no.     It  wouldn't  be  proper. 

Mary.     Oh,  there's  nothing  improper [Stops, 

remembering  the  word.]    I  insist.    Give  her  your  arm, 
Felix. 

[Felix  offers  his  arm  to  Lady  Bodsworth.] 
Lady  B.     Oh,  no,  it  would  be  a  breach  of  eti- 
quette. 

Mary.  Etiquette?  This  is  just  a  little  family 
dinnerparty.     [To  Felix.]     Take  her  in. 

Felix.     Now,  Lady  Bodsworth 

Lady  B.  No,  please.  I  couldn't  dream  of  going 
in  before  Lady  Whichello  —  especially  now  she  has 

been  created 

[The   thought   causes   a   renewed  fit   of  tears. 
Felix  turns  in  despair  to  Ella.] 
Ella.     Oh,  take  her,  take  her! 

[Tadman  manages  to  get  to  the  table  and  takes 

a  sly  sip  of  his  third  cocktail.     Felix  goes 

again  to  Lady  Bodsworth  and  offers  arm.] 

Lady  B.    Oh,  no  —  it's  very  kind  —  but  I  couldn't 

—  no,  really. 

[161] 


MARY  GOES  FIRST 


Felix.     Dear  Lady  Bodsworth,  whom  would  you 
like  to  take  you  in? 

Lady  B.     I'm  sure  I  don't  mind  —  don't  think  of 


me 

Mary.  What  does  it  matter?  We  shan't  get  any 
dinner.  I'll  take  you  in!  [Taking  Lady  Bods- 
worth's  arm.]     Come  along  —  Fanny! 

[Taking  her  to  door.  The  door  is  too  narrow 
for  them  to  go  out  together.  They  stand 
there,  each  of  them  making  way  for  the  other, 
and  motioning  each  other  to  go  first.  Mary 
resolutely  takes  Lady  Bodsworth's  arm  and 
drags  her  off.] 

CURTAIN. 


[162] 


NOTE 

[The  author  is  threatened  with  an  action 
for  libel  if  he  publishes  this  comedy  without 
revising  it  in  form  that  will  be  acceptable 
to  Mr.  George  Whichelow  of  Bermondsey. 
The  author  wishes  to  state  that  until  the 
production  of  the  play  he  was  unaware  of 
the  existence  of  Mr.  George  Whichelow. 
He  regrets  if  he  has  inadvertently  given  any 
annoyance  to  that  gentleman,  but  is  quite 
unable  to  understand  the  reason  for  that 
annoyance.  It  is  obvious  that  if  Mr.  George 
Whichelow's  claim  to  revise  this  play  is  not 
resisted,  every  author  of  a  novel  or  a  play 
will  in  future  be  liable  to  a  costly  legal  ac- 
tion from  any  person  who  happens  to  have 
a  similar  name  or  trade  to  any  one  of  the 
characters  in  his  work.] 

It  may  be  interesting  to  the  American  reader  to 
know  that  the  action  for  libel  was  never  brought 
against  Mr.  Henry  Arthur  Jones,  as  it  was  found  that 
the  plaintiff  had  no  case.  _  The  Publishers. 


[  103  ] 


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